What To Do When He Disappears: 10 Steps To Moving On

Here's how to handle the all-too-common disappearing act.

Breakup Advice: 10 Steps To Moving On

When a guy disappears, we often find ourselves confused and hurt. We don't know why it happened or what to do. Instead of getting angry and crazy, follow these ten steps:

1. Be patient. It is possible that something serious has come up for him. Instead of assuming he's ditched you, give him the benefit of the doubt and wait it out. Be patient and don't contact him. It could be a family emergency, or he could just need a little time to think about his feelings for you. Whatever the reason, it is best to be patient.


2. Distract yourself. The best way to be patient is to distract yourself with something else. Make plans. Fill your calendar. Get all your chores done. Watch movies. Do whatever you need to do to keep your mind from going crazy with wonder and to keep yourself from contacting him.

3. Don't stalk him. Resist every urge to check his Facebook page, his dating profile, his twitter, his website, etc. Don't try contacting his friends. Keep reminding yourself that he is choosing not to pay you any attention, so you should not pay him any attention. Checking up on him will only give you more information to think about, which will make it more difficult to get over him.


4. Don't worry about why. If you haven't heard from him for a few days, you'll probably start wondering why. You'll replay all of your recent conversations, you'll reread your texts and you'll make things up in your head. None of this is productive. If he doesn't have the courtesy to let you know what's going on, you shouldn't concern yourself with it. If something serious has come up, he obviously doesn't want you involved. And if he doesn't want to date you anymore and doesn't want to tell you why, you shouldn't care about the reason.

5. Accept that you've been dumped — by someone who is selfish and rude. If you haven't heard from him in a week, it is probably safe to say you've been dumped. But instead of remembering all that was good about him, remind yourself that it was quite rude of him to disappear. If he didn't feel chemistry, he should have said it. If things seemed to be moving too fast, he should have said it. If he was looking for something different, he should have said it. It is very selfish of him not to consider your feelings. Instead of missing him and wanting him back, recognize that you have now seen a different, very real side of him that is unattractive. Communication is key in relationships. If he can't say what is on his mind, be glad you didn't try to move forward with the relationship. Keep reading...

More breakup advice from YourTango:

6. Allow yourself one afternoon to be sad. Sometimes, a girl just needs to cry it out! Give yourself an afternoon to feel the emotions and let them go. Have your little pity party, but keep it short! Then put your big girl pants on and carry on.


7. Respect that he isn't perfect. As upsetting as it is to be on the receiving end, try to understand that he is probably doing the best he can. Not all men have the confidence or communication skills to express what's on their minds. I'm not trying to say this is acceptable behavior; it is definitely not! But it helps to put yourself in his shoes and recognize that he has some growing to do.

8. Get closure, if you need to. Once you are sure it's over and you've both had some time to think about things, it would be reasonable to send a short text or email to get closure and wish him well. But be sure to keep it short, one or two lines only. Don't write too much, as he clearly isn't interested in engaging with you. And don't tell him off, as it isn't necessary. He knows what he did. He knows it was rude and he knows you probably feel pretty bad about it. But he doesn't care enough to address it. If you focus on the negative, you'll only create unnecessary drama. Wish him well and be done.

9. Take a break. If you find yourself hoping to run into him in the neighborhood, take a break from the local hangout. If you're hoping he'll see your latest status updates and want you back, take a social media break. Getting him out of your thoughts is integral to moving on, so step away from whatever keeps him in your mind.

10. Learn from it. Look back and see if there were signs that he wasn't happy, signs that there wasn't enough chemistry or signs that he was looking for more. The best thing you can do as you move forward is to fine tune your intuition.


Because the disappearing act is so common, it does get easier to deal with as you gain more dating experience. In time, you'll just roll your eyes and keep moving!

@RebeccaAMarquis is the author of How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 34 ways to keep her from getting annoying, jealous or crazy, and offers dating humor and advice on her new Facebook page: facebook.com/RebeccaAMarquis.