3 Key Lessons You Must Learn In Order To Find Lasting Love (& REAL Chemistry)

It's about a lot more than just pheromones!

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By Joanna Shatki 

The first seconds of a connection set the stage for all your future passion — and it has much less to do with your pheromones than you might imagine.

An unseen, yet totally-felt energy speaks volumes between lovers or potential lovers. The Taoists call it yin and yang. Others call it masculine-feminine energy. Whatever you call it, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, the presence and polarity (or lack thereof) defines how hot your future lovemaking will be.


It tells a future story of how happy and in love you’ll stay as the days and years go by. And, yes, the stage is set for that in the initial seconds of interaction.

Some dating coaches will say that the energy dynamic of the relationship forms based on who speaks the first word. In my experience, it happens before you have a chance to speak the first word. It has everything to do with who winks, writes, approaches, and speaks. From there, it has everything to do with who asks whom out, who touches whom first, who calls, who kisses, and so on.


Let me explain. Yin and yang, masculine and feminine, are energies that express themselves in every human body. It doesn’t matter the gender or the orientation of the body, these two energies exist in cooperation with each other.

Then, simply, when you put two bodies together, these energies interact and sparks will fly... or they won’t.

These energies act just like magnets. When you bring the positive side of one magnet together with the negative side of another magnet (the opposite sides), they come together and they stick.

And, it actually takes a little force to pull them apart once they are connected. Yet, if you flip one of those magnets so that the same sides are near each other, you can’t even get them to connect. They repel each other, quickly and powerfully. The same thing happens with masculine and feminine energy in how we date and relate with one another!


So, what is masculine and what is feminine?

Masculine energy is focused, directed, erect, penetrating, assertive, results-oriented. Masculine energy comes off the body with a forward momentum. In contrast, feminine energy is soft, flowing, creative, receptive, surrendered and expressive. Feminine energy is expansive and embracing while being concave in a receptive way.


Here’s the biggest problem with masculine and feminine energy:

Although most of us understand the terms, we really have no conscious idea how these energies work in practical reality. Worse yet, when we think we know how they work, we often have it completely backward.

Over the last 50+ years, intimate relationships moved into a space of independence and equality — a space of sameness — a space of “I can be just like you.” Sadly, although this might have seemed enlightening and progressive to “conscious” men and women, it was anything but that. We did discover more of ourselves. Yet, as we realized women can lead and men can change diapers and care for kids, many of us landed in an unhappy and unfulfilling territory, especially when it comes to love, romance, and passion.

Through the women’s movement and the new age spiritual movements, men and women alike have been conditioned and rewarded for abandoning their authentic nature. Many got so used to the shifts that they have no idea they’re not being genuine.


These energies have been neutralized over and over and over again, leaving a bunch of nice girls and nice guys, hanging out together with no spark.

It means new-age, sensitive guys are meeting strong, independent women, and they’re hanging out in the friend or roommate zone.

So, now that you understand the problem, there are 3 things you have to know to ignite that spark of attraction:

1. You need to identify your authentic sexual essence.

Is it masculine, feminine, or neutral?

Here’s the thing about neutral: there are actually very few people who have a neutral sexual essence. I share a quiz below that will help you identify your true sexual essence, and you just might be surprised! Actually, I can’t tell you how many men and women feel shocked by what they discover!


2. Once you know your sexual essence, you have to live it.

For the masculine, that means direct, decisive, assertive, erect. For the feminine, that means soft, flowing, radiant, receptive, and even a little bit wild.

3. You need to let go of all the unsupportive, limiting beliefs that stop you from being you.

Remember, we’ve been conditioned to neutralize our sexual energy. That conditioning impacts who you attract into your life, whether a relationship can last happily in love, and how good the sex is.

Here’s an example of that conditioning:

Guys, maybe you’ve had the thought while reading, “I’m a good guy! I’m not going to be disrespectful or assertive. I’m not going to be one of those jerk men.”


Or women, maybe you’ve thought, “I’m not going to be a passive doormat. No one is going to think I’m weak!”

The feminine is not weak. The masculine is not a jerk.

It’s these limiting beliefs that zap the sexual chemistry between you and put you in friend-zone territory. Together, the masculine and feminine spark hot kisses, conversation and lovemaking!



Before we jump right into the quiz questions, I’d like you to imagine:

You are completely safe. (You cannot get hurt.)

You cannot be judged or rejected. (You’ll be completely accepted no matter your desires.)

You get to have it absolutely YOUR way! (It’s your story to write exactly how you want it!)

OK, with those conditions in mind, answer these four questions for yourself.

Sexual Essence Quiz:

1. Would you prefer your perfectly chosen lover to be physically smaller than you, physically larger than you, or would you both be exactly the same size?

2. Would your perfectly chosen lover be stronger than you, in other words, they can pick you up and move you across the bed? Or, would you be physically stronger than your lover so that you could pick your lover up, and move him or her across the bed? Or, are you equally turned on in bed, by picking up your partner or by being picked up and moved by your partner?


3. Would you prefer to court, which means you would prefer to ask out, pick up, and take someone to dinner? Or, would you prefer to be courted, which means you would be asked out, picked up, and taken to dinner? Or, does it equally turn you on to court and be courted?

4. If you and a lover were in a hot steamy kiss up against a wall, knowing that you can always switch spots, would you prefer most of the time to be the one facing the wall, giving the kiss? Or, most of the time would you prefer to be the one against the wall being kissed? Or, are you on equally turned on in either position?

What do the answers to my Sexual Essence Quiz mean?


Reflecting on your answers, here’s how they indicate your authentic sexual essence.

  • A feminine sexual essence person prefers a physically larger and stronger lover. A feminine essence person wants to be courted and put up against the wall in that kiss.
  • A masculine sexual essence person will prefer to be physically larger and stronger than their ideal lover. A masculine essence person will want to court and put their partner up against the wall in that kiss.
  • With a neutral essence, you desire equal size, equal strength, both courting and being courted, and equal opportunities to be up against that wall. 

If you picked neutral, I’d like to invite you to notice whether you might have conditioning or rules that make it challenging for you to recognize your masculine-feminine nature. Check to see: did you answer what you think you should believe and feel, or did you allow yourself to answer with what really turns you on?

Plain and simple. Opposites attract.

Now that you’ve taken the Sexual Essence Quiz and you know your sexual essence, your job is to go live it! Find a way to let go of any beliefs, rules, and even heartaches that have blocked your sexual essence from expressing itself.


If you’re masculine, give yourself permission to be and express your masculinity. If you are feminine, give yourself permission to embrace and feel your femininity. 

Masculine attracts feminine… feminine attracts masculine… and sparks fly!

If sparks aren’t flying, if you’re not attracting the one you want, then your sexual essence has likely gone into hiding. You’ve probably been trying to be the good girl or good guy… and you too often find yourself in the friend or roommate zone. If that sounds like you, I’d say it’s definitely time for a change.

The masculine-feminine polarity is HOT!

Written in partnership with Radical Dating. Learn more about Radical Dating, and watch Episode 4 above!