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How To Accept Your Parents For Who They Really Are — Now That You Know

How To Accept Your Parents For Who They Really Are — Now That You Know
Love

Reconcile the love you would’ve liked to receive with the way your parents actually loved you.

We have zero control over another person so when it comes to intimate relationship it's all too easy to hold on to past hurts as armor, and harbor resentments that close off your heart.

Being able to literally - Put The Past Behind You - is a skill that you can learn.

When you were young you learned strategies in your family of origin. The majority of these strategies are with you today as a grown-up.

All of these strategies were developed so you can feel loved, and feel safe. That doesn't make them True.

If you want to create soul-satisfying, long-lasting love it’s imperative that you make peace with the past, including your parents. Accepting them as imperfect human beings, rather than holding them responsible is the path to creating more love in your life.

Here Are 5 Ways To Accept Your Parents And Open The Door To More Love In Your Life:

1. Your Parents Did The Best They Could

Being a parent is the toughest role in life. All parents do their best, however, some have limited capacity. You were raised by flawed people, who were raised by flawed people, who were raised by flawed people, and on back through the ages.

Accepting that your parents made best efforts is a great start to accepting their humanity and healing your childhood wounds.

Most parents attempt to do better for their children than what they experienced growing up, however most of their strategies are ingrained in their subconscious from when they were little kids.

Our client, Beth, once shared with us how she pointed and shook her index finger at her kids the way her mother did to her. This wasn’t a conscious decision but rather something that just happened as if on autopilot.

You learned most of your behaviors through experiences – they become a program that simply runs through habit without the ability to make a new choice, and your parents behavior was learned in the same way.

This is how behaviors are passed down from one generation to the next until someone in the family does the inner work to break the chain.

Reverting to old patterns and strategies under duress is incredibly common. You are not as resourceful under stress, and raising children can be one of the most stressful situations in life.

2. See Your Parents’ Strategies As A Reflection Of Their Love For You

When it comes to human behavior, all of our behavior has positive intent, however the result may not be positive at all.

No one tries to raise their children badly. Your parents had good intentions and identifying their intent will give you peace of mind regardless of the results. The strategies they had may not have been great, but their love for you lies in their intent.

You may not have been loved the way you would like to have been loved by your parents. Instead, you were loved in the way that they were capable of loving you.

Some parents are overprotective and show love by micromanaging their child’s life.

We had a client several years ago named Saima who was raised by Pakistani parents in upstate New York. Saima’s mother had been trying to arrange a marriage for her for over a decade and she felt a lot of frustration over her mother’s determination to select a husband for her.

When Saima accepted that her mother’s persistence was driven by her love for her, their relationship changed forever. Instead of feeling annoyed by her mother’s actions, she chose to see these meetings with other Pakistani families as an act of love.

She also continued to express to her mother her desire for a “Love Marriage” rather than one that is arranged.

3. Stop Expecting That Your Parents Will Change

You certainly had an effect on your parents, however your parents were fully formed human beings with well-developed strategies and habits long before you were born.

Whereas your mom and dad’s fingerprints are all over you – they shaped who you are from the moment you popped out of the womb. Therefore it is an unbalanced relationship – you did not have any input on your parents’ habitual strategies.

The way your parents respond to events is part of their inherent makeup. They’ve had their strategies for decades, so for your own peace of mind stop expecting that they will change.

Accepting them for who they are also honors what they are capable of. They can only love you the way they know how. As difficult as it can be, see your parents for who they are, and accept them as is.

Our client, Myra, felt hurt by her parents’ response to the news of her engagement. As woman in 50s who had never been married she expected they would’ve been thrilled for her. Instead they were suspect of her fiancé’s intentions and initially refused to give her their blessing.

As Myra consistently shared stories of her relationship over time with her parents, they softened their position. She accepted their limited view of love and marriage and knew she was cutting a new path for herself and her Beloved.

4. Take Responsibility For Your Part In The Equation

Your parents behavior is up to them, however, the meaning you assigned to their behavior is 100% your responsibility.

Nothing has meaning except the meaning you give it. This is even true for the choices and decisions you made as a child in your family of origin.

Take responsibility for the meaning you gave to your parents’ strategies and behaviors. You may never change them or their behavior, but you can make a shift in the meaning you assigned to the events of the past.

Every single child must feel loved and safe and will take on any limiting belief to fit into the family unit. The beauty of being a grown-up is that you can release those limiting beliefs and make a new choice – one that is in alignment with your desires.

Our client, Jim was in an abusive relationship with his fiancé. She would yell, scream, and hit him. He was torn because his father left when he was a little boy. His mother raised him to believe that only “Bad Men” leave. Jim found himself stuck with either staying in an abusive relationship and be a “Good Man,” or to leave and become a “Bad Man.”

In our work together, we reconciled this double-bind Jim was stuck in and released him of the subconscious contract he had made with his mother. This allowed him to make a new choice one that was in his best interest – he was able to leave his abusive partner while also being a good person.

5. Love Them (And Yourself) Despite Faults And Shortcomings

Every person on the planet is doing their best; some simply have limited capacity and resources. This includes you and your parents!

People are “imperfectly perfect.” We love someone for their imperfections – their silly laugh, or crooked smile, are the uniqueness of that person that makes them different from everyone else.

When we accept our own imperfections and release the unrealistic expectation that we could ever be “perfect” we open the door to love.

Accepting your parents “As Is” and loving them anyway allows us to open the door to compassion and that compassion allows us to love them no matter what.

Being a flawed person is part of the human condition.

Years ago, Orna was taught to knit by a friend who was taught to knit by a Master Knitress who was Native American. She had taught Orna’s friend that at the end of the project that you purposefully miss stitch. She had said, “Only machines are perfect. When you knit you make a mistake on purpose to show the item was made by hand.”

Accepting your parents’ shortcomings allows you to be free from the past events where they disappointed or even hurt you. Their behavior is not personal it is a reflection of who they are, just as your behavior is about you.

Releasing the negative emotions from the past frees you to create anew in the present. This allows you to be open to love yourself which is how you attract an ideal partner into your life.

Ultimately the love you seek is inside of you and reflected back to you through the eyes of your Beloved.

~Orna and Matthew Walters are the co-founders of Creating Love On Purpose® where their mission is to bust the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident.