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Bow chicka bow wow ...
By Robyn Wahlgast — Written on Aug 17, 2018
As unlikely a pairing as it may seem, singer-songwriter Andy Grammer and renowned sex therapist Esther Perel share an important message for men and women searching for ways to maintain a passionate, toe-curling, and erotic sex life filled with true intimacy within marriages and long-term romantic relationships.
There is perhaps no skill more important for ensuring the longevity of marriage than the ability to maintain an intense sensual bond.
Most married couples begin their journey deeply in love and sexually in sync. Decades into a marriage, however, many spouses complain of increasing dissatisfaction in the bedroom, saying the intensity has fizzled, and that they miss deeply miss the feeling of being desired.
At the core of it all, however, it's not that the pair has fallen out of love — often love and tenderness are still very much present in the relationship — but that they haven't learned how to shake off their daily domestic roles and expectations when they enter the bedroom as lovers.
In his song "Fresh Eyes", Grammer's lyrics capture the perspective Perel wisely advises couples to explore.
"I got these fresh eyes, never seen you before like this
It’s like the first time when we open the door
Before we got used to usual
So suddenly I’m in love with a stranger,
I can’t believe that she’s mine."
In her best-selling book, Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Perel offers strategies for men and women to develop what she calls "erotic intelligence", ensuring that domestic comforts don’t smother the sensual blaze that fuels commitment — and in doing so, save their marriages and prevent the looming specter of divorce.
If you value the many fine qualities that your spouse brings to domestic life, but miss the intense passion you shared in the earlier stages of your love for each other, I highly recommend studying the work of Ms. Perel. And to get you started, I’ve chosen three of her transformative ideas for you to try out for yourself.
Here are 3 ways to re-learn how to have hot sex with your husband or wife and make your married sex life more erotic than ever.
1. Take a break from cuddling and PDA.
That "can’t keep your hands off each other" phenomenon that leads to constant touching and canoodling feels soothing, and it might signal that a couple is in the newlywed phase of a healthy relationship.but it's also the erotic equivalent of white noise in long-term marriages.
When hand-holding and stroking become a habit — a reflexive or possessive gesture with little or no sensual intent — you may inadvertently desensitize your partner to marital touching.
Instead, tease a little and tempt him with your gaze, rather than automatically going for your guy’s hand. Imagine you are strangers on a first date. Savor the delicious shock of an unexpected brush of bare skin.
2. Resist the urge to merge with your mate.
Whether you’ve been together for three months or 30 years, continue to maintain your own separate interests, friends, and activities. When you continue to honor your individual priorities and values, you will remain the mysterious creature he just had to approach years ago.
Smoothing away differences helps create a cozy connection, but distance and tension allow you to see your partner with fresh eyes like they're a stranger — independent and full of promise and uncertainty — which can help save your marriage when it starts feeling dull.
3. Let your body do the talking.
Women love to express their needs verbally, which is why "having a talk" about something intuitively feels like the right way to get what they want in relationships.
Verbal sharing may help a woman feel closer and more emotionally intimate with her man, but the benefit is often one-sided. Her husband may feel left out of the party without the follow-through of physical intimacy.
As Perel notes, "The body is our original mother tongue ... Through sex, men can recapture the pure pleasure of connection without having to compress their hard-to-articulate needs into the prison of words."
Here's an additional tip: Your partner may need to be opened through physical connection first before he can communicate with you in a truly vulnerable way.
Erotic intelligence and its impact on relationships is a broad topic, but Perel’s central idea is even within a monogamous, committed relationship, humans need intense sexual expressiveness.
There is no shame in seeking sexual fulfillment.
If you’ve experienced a decline of physical intimacy in your own marriage, try to view it as a shared responsibility — an area you’re willing to take risks to explore in order to learn how to save your marriage. Move out of your own comfort zone before expecting your spouse to do so.
So talk less and play more.
Create distance and a hint of uncertainty. And don't forget to be stubbornly and uniquely you.
Give your man a reason to look at you with fresh eyes — joyful, alive, and unpredictable.
Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach, and a happily married mother of three. Subscribe to her free newsletter at New Direction Dating.
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This article was originally published at The Wellness Universe. Reprinted with permission from the author.