Heartbreak

If You're Experiencing Any Of These 10 Signs, Yes, It's Emotional Abuse

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man yelling at woman

If you’ve never been involved with a cunning, pathological lying, narcissistic, abusive partner, you may not know what you’re dealing with. 

When you date an emotionally abusive personality, you may buy into his charm, braggadocio, and phony façade while downplaying his inconsiderate and questionable behavior. Or you mistrust your instincts that your boyfriend or husband is lying to you, demeaning and controlling you. Worse yet, you may think you are overreacting and crazy — as he claims you are.

NOTE: You can be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, male or female friend, family member, boss, or co-worker.

RELATED: I Was In A Horrifyingly Abusive Marriage — And Didn't Even Know It

An abuser’s goal is to affect and control the emotions, objective reasoning, and behavior of his victim. Covert abuse is disguised by actions that appear normal, but it is clearly insidious and underhanded.

The abuser methodically chips away at your confidence, perception, and self-worth with his subtle hints, unnecessary lying, blaming, accusing, and denial.

The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, and unpredictability. He steadily pushes you to the edge with his deception, sarcasm, and battering until you erupt in anger and then you become the “bad guy” giving him the ammunition he needs to justify his hurtful actions.

If you are experiencing any of the following things, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

If you're experiencing any of these 10 things, yes, it's emotional abuse:

1. Accusing and blaming

He shifts the responsibility and the emphasis onto you for the problems in your relationship. He says things, like: “It’s your fault.” What’s wrong with you?” "You didn’t remind me.” “Nothing I do is ever enough.”

2. Punishment by withholding

He refuses to listen, he ignores your questions, he withholds eye contact and he gives you the “silent treatment.” He's punishing you! He may refuse to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources and bill payments. He withholds approval, appreciation, affection, information, thoughts, and feelings to diminish and control you.

   

   

RELATED: Why Abuse Is Not A 'Relationship Problem'

3. Blocking and diverting

He steers the conversation by refusing to discuss an issue or he inappropriately interrupts the conversation. He twists your words, he watches TV, or he walks out of the room while you're talking. He criticizes you in a way that causes you to defend yourself and lose sight of the original conversation. 

4. Contradicting

He disapproves and opposes your thoughts, perceptions, or your experience of life itself. No matter what you say, he uses contradicting arguments to frustrate you and wear you down. If you say, “It’s a beautiful day,” he’ll say, “What’s great about it, the weather’s bad.” If you say you like sushi, he’ll say, “Are you kidding, it'll give you parasites.”

5. Discounting

He denies your experience of his abuse. He tells you that you’re hypersensitive or that you’re imagining things or that you can never be happy. He disfigures the truth, causing you to mistrust your perception and the reality of his abuse.

   

   

6. Disparaging humor

Verbal abuse is often disguised as jokes. The abuser teases, ridicules, and humiliates you with sarcastic remarks about your appearance, personality, abilities, and values. He makes fun of you in front of your friends and family because he knows you will avoid a public confrontation. If you tell him to stop, he tells you that you are too sensitive or you can’t take a joke.

RELATED: When Cheating Is A Form Of Emotional Abuse

7. General crazy-making

He uses a combination of distortion, blaming, forgetting, stonewalling and denial to confuse, frustrate, and drive you to the brink of insanity. He denies the truth and twists your words, putting you on the defense. He wants you to second-guess yourself, and doubt your reality and your ability to reason.

8. Judging and criticizing

He harshly and unfairly criticizes you and then he passes it off as “constructive” criticism. If you object, he tells you he is only trying to help in an effort to make you feel unreasonable and guilty. 

9. Undermining

He breaks his promises and he fails to follow through on agreements. He minimizes your efforts, interests, hobbies, achievements, and concerns. He trivializes your thoughts and suggestions. If you suggest a restaurant or a vacation destination, he says, “The food is awful at that place!” and “Why would you want to go to Florida; it’s nothing but a tourist trap!”

   

   

10. Forgetting

He "accidentally"  forgets the things that are important to you. He forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, make a household repair, or buy tickets to the movies. By doing this, he's saying, “I’m in control of your time and reality."

Abusive behavior is not always verbal. Your partner may use body language or gestures to control and diminish you. For example:

  • Refusing to talk or make eye contact
  • Sulking, strutting, posturing, and stomping out of the room
  • Boredom-crossed arms, showing disgust, rolled eyes, and frowning
  • Inappropriate sounds, deep sighs, words like, “Soooo!”
  • Hitting or kicking something or driving recklessly to scare you
  • Withdrawing or withholding affection to punish you
  • Patronizing, laughing at your opinion, mimicking or smirking
  • Interrupting, ignoring, not listening, refusing to respond
  • Distorting what you say, provoking guilt, or playing the victim
  • Yelling, out-shouting, or swearing to shut you down
  • Starting a sentence with, “Forget it”

Now that you know the conniving, covert signs of emotional abuse, what are you going to do about it?

If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.

If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

RELATED: Yes, You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Nancy Nichols is a best-selling self-help, dating, and relationship author, empowerment speaker, notorious blogger, and TV and radio talk show personality. She's a woman's advocate who uses her self-help books to impart self-esteem building, the power of positive thought, relationship understanding, and personal healing.