Photo: Maples Images / Shutterstock
Miscommunication is the root of unhappiness in relationships.
By Dan Kolubinski
Last updated on Mar 02, 2024
There is nothing more human that wanting to love and be loved. But why do you really want to be married or in a relationship?
Simply put, most of us want a partner to help us shoulder life's burdens. We want to feel supported. And support can mean many things to many people, but it's one of the most important aspects of healthy relationships.
It's important to understand communication for all the potential misunderstandings that can occur when what one partner said was not what the other heard. Clear, effective communication is absolutely necessary for a happy marriage, and it all comes down to the ways in which couples talk to each other.
Here are 2 very different ways to improve communication in marriage
1. Focus on problem-solving
One of the secrets to life is to control what you can and let go of what you can't. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Unfortunately, we're not really good at this when things go wrong, particularly in relationships we've considered solid.
One way partners can support each other is to try to help them to live up to this maxim. When we care, we want to help our partners deal with difficult situations. We might offer suggestions on how to change things, or we can remind them to "let it go" when nothing can be done.
Generally, these suggestions are well-intentioned. It's our way of saying, "I can see how hard this is for you; I don't like seeing you like this. Let me help you so that you don't have to go through that again."
While sometimes, your partner may just want you to lend an ear while they vent, the point of improving communication is helping both partners open up.
2. Practice active listening
Another way of offering support and improving communication in a marriage is by practicing active listening.
Active listening involves listening with all your senses and giving full attention to the person speaking. It means avoiding distractions like your phone or television, or preoccupation with another task.
To practice active listening, convey interest to your partner when they are speaking, through both verbal and nonverbal communication, like eye contact, nodding your head, or saying "yes" or "mhm" to encourage them to continue.
Photo: August de Richelieu / Pexels
Hold off on the suggestions and just listen to your partner. Forget about what you think should be done and just allow your spouse to let it all out.
Saying, "That must have really sucked," can have a great impact because it signals to your partner that you understand how they're feeling. You connect with their experience of the situation and remind them that they are not alone in this world.
Rather than dealing with the situation, we can just explore the feelings, which is particularly useful when the problem doesn't have an easy solution.
Many relationship problems come down to the fact that couples don't naturally have conversations about how support is defined and what it looks like for each partner.
So, the secret to being a better husband or wife lies in communicating your support.
Happy couples in healthy relationships and marriages communicate effectively with each other. They show their support to their partner by focusing on problem-solving and practicing active listening.
As such, it's important to remember the "Golden Rule." Treat others the way they want to be treated, even if it means acting against our own default setting — this is what real support is about.
So, the next time your partner could use some extra support, ask yourself how you can help without assuming they want what you would want. Because the intent is to make our partners' lives more bearable.
More for You:
Dan Kolubinski, Ph.D., is marriage and couples counselor, a BACP and BABCP Accredited Cognitive-Behavioural Therapist, and Senior Lecturer in the Division of Psychology at the School of Applied Sciences, specializing in the field of mental health.