Why Women Are Selfish Lovers

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Women want sex that's both meaningful and pleasurable. This is hardly an epiphany.

Another oh-so-obvious statement is that women frequently do not feel sexually satisfied by their partners. And while that's unfortunate (and not OK), their approach to dealing with this disappointment often results in some rather selfish (albeit, unintentional) behavior and habits.

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What exactly do I mean by "selfish"?

Well for example (hypothetically speaking) — if a woman isn't satisfied by her man but has yet to honestly communicate this to him.

Chances are, she feels that their emotional bond is enough for her to keep mum on the matter; she'd enjoy being physically satisfied but, in her mind, by addressing it she might risk weakening other aspects of the relationship that she values. Meanwhile, she may try the following to compensate for her lack of sexual satisfaction with her partner:

  • Fake an orgasm
  • Introduce toys and other pleasure-enhancers as a substitute
  • Shut down during sex and "go through the motions" until her partner has climaxed, only to self-pleasure herself to orgasm later (if at all)

In a broader sense, women are typically empathetic to the self-esteem issues that could arise if they shared their true feelings with their partner about their sex life. Thus, women say nothing and revert to faking orgasms, and the like.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are some ladies who wholly discard this type of empathy and hold men (and sex) to Harlequin romance standards. To them, sex is always a marathon act — one in which "real men" are always in tune. And, if the sex is not out of this world, she issues her partner an abrupt shaming.

Why such a direct approach? Simply put, to these women, life is short, incredible sex life is non-negotiable and sensitivity is for sissies. 

Still, other women see pleasuring their partner as a chore. They tend to overgeneralize men and their desires, as simple and pedestrian and approach "servicing" his needs accordingly. "You want what?! Why can't I just get you off and call it done?!" she thinks. In all fairness to her, some of this is a "get what you give" mentality, and if she isn't getting ... 

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Now before I get into the selfish side of all of this, let's see an actual definition of the word.

Selfish: Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself.

Are most women exclusively concerned with themselves? Nine years and 347 clients tell me — "no." Are most women excessively concerned with themselves? Uh, not exactly. There are different layers of selfishness and the distinctions come down to intent and awareness.

Yes! Even women who are concerned about wounding their man's ego.

How so?

Well. Simply avoiding the conversation, despite the consequences, represents a degree of selfishness since doing so could imply she's excessively concerned with herself. It's easier for women to let sleeping dogs lie because the anguish of talking about difficult and embarrassing things is just too much.

Through it all, she doesn't intend to come off as selfish, but that was a byproduct of her decisions. This is what distinguishes "selfish" from what some may deem merely "accommodating."

Women who take a more direct approach are likely very aware of the impact said directness has on their partner — however, her frustration and the subsequent need to react to it trumps their potential reaction or feelings on the matter. Is she concerned excessively with herself? Absolutely.

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Regardless of which qualities you share on the selfish spectrum, here are four alternative roads to take:

1. Mirror the problem.

Mirror the problem and ask yourself what you'd want to know and how you'd want to truthfully be told. In other words, put the shoe on the other foot.

2. Present the problem in the form of a presumptive comment.

Think, "I love that you're so open and I think there are things we could share about each other's preferences to really spice this up." He will want to please you and this is a gentle way of telling him how he can.

3. React playfully. 

React playfully but in an obvious manner when your partner is doing something you don't like or if they glossed over something you do like. Instead, consider, he lightly kisses your chest and you want him to bite. Say, "harder!" in a playful but firm way.

4. Find someone you're sexually compatible with.

There are fewer things more selfish than staying with someone when such a prevalent problem exists and you won't address it nor realize it's not fixable — and sometimes it's not! Different people will and do have different sexual appetites and tendencies.

If women don't take alternatives to handle their sexual dissatisfaction, the effect on men is, and will continuously be, devastating.

Keep in mind that talking down to or belittling men because of bedroom issues prompts them to further shrink back ... or lash out. Essentially, you keeping quiet isn't good for anyone involved ... you or him. 

And these effects are not complicated to understand. Men want to feel like the answer to the problems in your life ... and the bedroom is the worst possible place for them to learn that they're not. In this, communication is key (both what you say AND how you say it).  

Again, I don't think women, by and large, are exclusively about themselves BUT they do show some selfish tendencies, even when they're unaware of this fact.

Chris Armstrong is a Certified Relationship Coach and Women's Empowerment Executive.