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By Amy Schoen — Written on May 28, 2019
When something’s not quite right in your relationship, it’s natural to wonder, “Should I break up with my boyfriend or girlfriend?” Yet when you are in love with your partner, having a thought like this can be incredibly confusing.
How can you love someone and want to break up with them at the same time?
Actually, it’s pretty easy to love someone who simply isn’t the one for you no matter how wonderful they are. On some level, you know they’re not your Mr./Ms. Right Forever.
There are lots of different reasons why they’re not exactly right for you. Maybe your relationship is off because:
1. The chemistry is off
Chemistry is one of those very personal and subjective things. If the chemistry is off in your relationship, you might not be as attracted to your partner as you’d want. Alternatively, you might not be able to reach the level of intimacy you really desire.
If the chemistry is off in your relationship, it’s worth seriously considering a break up. You deserve to be with a person that you have crazy chemistry with.
2. One of your core values isn’t being honored
When you continually suppress or ignore your core values, you cannot be happy. It’s impossible.
If you know the cost of staying in your relationship would be ignoring your needs, then it becomes clearer that you may need to make a change. Maybe you can start honoring yourself more fully, your goals and your values in your relationship. Maybe you need to start thinking seriously about when and how to break up.
3. There’s some aspect of your boyfriend or girlfriend you just know you cannot tolerate on a long-term basis
Your lover might be incredible when they’re on their best behavior. But, when they’re off, it’s a nightmare to be around them. The problem is that you never know who’s going to show up. And you’re exhausted trying to be supportive and understanding while trying to protect yourself from their poor habits.
For instance, you may need to live in a home that is neat and organized and he lives like a total slob. Do you really want to continue living like this? If not, it’s time for you to seriously begin thinking about how to break up with someone you love because, in reality, your partner isn’t going to magically change.
4. You don’t feel like a priority in your partner’s life
You deserve to feel that you’re your partner’s special someone. If they consistently have a hard time prioritizing your relationship, it’s time to ask yourself a couple of questions.
Are you happy with feeling that you’re always an afterthought?
How long are you willing to accept being at the bottom of their “to do” list?
5. Your life goals are very different
Even if you have chemistry, similar values and interests, that doesn’t mean your relationship is working for you. You also need to have similar goals for your life and want the same things.
For example, if you want children and your boy/girlfriend doesn’t, you’ll need to decide how important having children are for you. And this was a very hard decision for me as well. When I found out my boyfriend of three months did not want any more children. I agonized over my desire to have my own child. In the end, I decided to move on and seek what I truly wanted.
Making decisions like this is really tough. And you’re on your own making it because you’re the one that will have to live with the consequences of whatever you decide. Nonetheless, the last thing you want is for your partner to feel your resentment because you didn’t get what you yearned for in life.
6. Your love language isn’t being spoken
This is a biggie. Everyone has their own way of feeling loved. In his book The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman declared there are basically 5 ways in which people can feel loved: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, physical touch.
If your sweetheart isn’t capable of showing you love in the ways you expect, then you’ll never feel loved by your partner. Can you imagine living the rest of your life never feeling fully loved by your partner?
If you resonate with even one of these six reasons that your relationship may be missing the mark and going nowhere, or at least not where you want it to go, it may make sense to consider ending things.
Yet does that really mean that you need to break up with them?
It might. The things that bother you won’t just disappear with time and it’s unlikely that you’ll dismiss these misalignments either. In fact, they’re likely to become more pronounced and painful.
It might be possible to fix things. But, getting over any of these challenges takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment – by you and your partner.
When should you break up with someone you love?
I recommend that you break up with someone you love when you know it doesn’t work for you, when you’re not willing to continue to live in a relationship that’s just OK and not great. And know that it’s not fair to this person that you are staying in an “almost” relationship when your heart is not in it.
To help you prepare for ending things, here are three tips for how to break up with someone:
1. Be compassionate
You love this person and presumably they love you too. They deserve to hear the news from you in as kind and private a manner as possible. This should be done in person and not by text!
2. Be direct
You can’t beat around the bush with your desire to end things. If you do, you’re setting your girl/boyfriend up for being confused and thinking there’s still hope for things to work out. That just causes unnecessary hurt – for both of you. People truly want you to be honest with them.
3. Be firm
It won’t be easy breaking up with someone you care about. Yet you need to be firm in your resolve to do so. If you waver during the conversation with your boy/girlfriend, you’ll come across as being open to continuing the relationship. They will try to convince you that they can change, and things will be different if you’ll just give them another chance.
If you’re ready to break up with him/her, then you need to break up. Otherwise, things can get messy and cause needless additional pain by dragging it out.
When you reach the point in your relationship when you’re wondering, “should I break up with my boyfriend or girlfriend,” you’re ready for some serious self-examination. If you discover that you are in love with someone who’s just not the right one for you, you and your significant other deserves to know the truth.
When you’re honest with yourself and your partner, you’ll both be free to find the person that could be Ms./Mr. Right.
Amy Schoen is a national expert in dating and relationship coaching who is passionate about helping marriage-minded singles find their true love and create fulfilling, life-long relationships. For more information on how she can help you find and create a blissful relationship with your soulmate, visit her website.