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Letting go can be hard — and sometimes the most loving thing you can do.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Mar 15, 2020
Are you in a complicated or toxic relationship, wondering if you'll ever be in a healthy one? Are you thinking that maybe a breakup is the right way to go, for your own good and theirs?
I get it. Letting go of someone you love is not easy. This is a complicated question worth serious consideration before taking action.
What is a toxic relationship?
When you're constantly asking yourself, "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" something is wrong.
Unhealthy relationships don't just happen without a reason. Knowing when to stay and when to break up is vital for your health and happiness, as well as for your partner, even though it hurts.
Here are 3 unmistakable signs you're in a toxic relationship and need let go so you can move on to find a healthy relationship.
1. Their baggage is hurting the relationship (and you).
Are you madly in love with a person who is very damaged? Someone who has baggage from past relationships, struggles with family issues, has anger or insecurity issues, or is dealing with substance abuse?
Your partner's baggage can make it difficult to be with them.
You can't fix their problems.
Many of us stay with these people — even if they aren’t making us happy or are making us miserable — because they have issues that we believe we can fix.
We believe that they can’t possibly get better if we don’t stand by their side.
And those are admirable thoughts. I understand they come from a place of love, but if you really love them, you should consider letting them go for their own good.
Stop enabling unhealthy behavior.
Many of us who stick around because we think we can fix our person — or that they need us — are, in fact, enabling the damaging behavior.
We tend to overcompensate for our partner's damage — perhaps justifying their drinking or molding ourselves to be someone different from who we are so as not to trigger them about lost loves.
We tiptoe around them to prevent an angry outburst.
These things are understandable and you probably feel supportive, but they aren’t helping your person get any better. In fact, they could be making them worse.
Help them get better by letting go.
If you can find the strength to let your damaged person go, if you can tell them that you love them and that you want to help and support them, but that all you are seeing is them getting worse and your relationship getting more unhealthy, you're actually give your person a chance to get better.
If you let your partner go and they find that not only are they alone, but also not in a relationship where someone is overcompensating for their issues, they will be way more likely to get help.
Yes, you may be worried that if you let them go, they will "get fixed" and find someone else to live happily ever after with. And that might happen.
But if you hold onto them hoping they will get better so you can live happily ever after, you won’t. You will just be miserable.
So, if your person is struggling in a way that is hurting your relationship, consider letting them go for their own good. They have a better chance to be healthy and happy and so do you.
2. You don’t love them the way you should.
I remember when I was married and I was unhappy, I used to think about letting go of my husband so that he could find someone who made him truly happy.
But I still loved him, even if we were struggling, and the thought of him being with someone else made me sick to my stomach.
So, for selfish reasons I held on, and we were both miserable.
Give them the opportunity to be happy.
If you love someone but know that you don’t love them enough, let them go. Let them have the opportunity to be happy, to find true love, and to not live a life that isn’t as full as they deserve.
I know that it’s scary and you're worried that if you let go of this person, you might never find love again. And I get it.
But if you don’t let go of a person who you just don’t love the way you should, then you are doomed to years of misery.
And I promise that if you do let them go, you will find someone else to love.
So, if you look at the person you are with and feel love for them, but not enough, let them go. Give both of you a chance to find happiness and the healthy relationships you both deserve.
After we divorced, both my ex and I were lucky enough to find our soulmates and we are both living happy lives now. I still remember that feeling in my gut, but I am glad things turned out the way they did.
3. You are yo-yoing.
Are you in a relationship with someone you love but aren’t sure you want to be with?
Perhaps you aren’t happy with how they treat you, are feeling restless, or find yourself wanting to spend more time with your friends.
Perhaps because of this you tell your person that you need some time. You move out of the house, stop calling, or ghost them. You put an end to the relationship.
And then a day, a week, or a month later, you go back to them. Perhaps because you are hoping things can be different, you are feeling lonely, or perhaps because hanging with your friends got boring.
Whatever the reason, you go back.
And then after a period of time, you realize that nothing has changed and that you still don’t love this person the way you want to. So you leave again.
This is called yo-yoing and it can be devastating for the person being left behind. I have many clients who are subjected to yo-yoing and I can tell you that, without exception, the yo-yoing destroys their self-esteem.
Wishy-washy behavior is cruel and destroys their self-esteem.
They are left feeling like they aren’t good enough, wondering why you can’t love them in the same way they love you. They try to change who they are, hoping that things will be different this time.
They are tormented by what their partner does after breaking up with them.
If you find yourself coming and going with your person ... stop!
Try looking outside of your own selfish needs and let them go. Let them find themselves again, to know that they are enough, and to stop their torment about what you are going to do next.
If you can do this, both of you will have the chance to be happy and find love — and not be stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to make something that is broken work.
Considering letting go of someone you love for their own good is a big deal.
When we first meet and fall in love, we have so many hopes and dreams for the future. Letting go of those hopes and dreams can be devastating.
And learning how to know when to break up can be difficult.
But, ultimately, letting go of someone you love for their own good, and for yours, is the best course of action.
The goal in life is to be happy. Letting go of someone you love will make that a possibility for both of you.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or send her an email.
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.