Signs That Toxic Stress Is Affecting Your Love Life & Ruining Your Relationships

Do you know the signs that toxic stress is ruining your love life and relationships? Sometimes, it's not so easy to tell. 

Good relationships turn bad. Why is that? Is it something you said? Something you did?

Do you wonder why friends are starting to avoid you? Or why you're feeling negative about people you were once really close to?

When healthy relationships cease to be healthy, most of us want to know why.

And even more so, we want to know how to fix a relationship that seemed healthy when it starts breaking down.

Is dealing with stress in life affecting your behavior around people around you? 

Are you no longer attending social gatherings that used to give you life?

Have you lost the one friend who you could always open up to? How about your relationship with your significant other?

Are you having relationship problems and arguing more than ever for no apparent reason? 

When healthy relationships start to break down to the point of being in grave danger, there's always a reason. 

RELATED: 5 Toxic Ways Stress Affects Your Love Life (& How To Stop It From Ruining Your Relationship)

Your close relationships are the foundation for your physical and mental health.

So when your healthy relationships begin to break down, it may mean that you're breaking down.

A breakdown in our once healthy relationships is an important symptom that means something is happening inside of you — and that's something that you need to take care of now.

Great relationships are big contributors to a great life. No one wants to be stuck in unhealthy relationships, right?

There are many perspectives on how to save a relationship and handle the aftermath of a relationship breaking down. 

First, you need to take the blinders off and see the light.

While you may consider yourself healthy and believe you have healthy relationships, you may be surprised by what's really going on.

Let's just say you might have some blind spots.

Have people you care about stopped engaging? What about people in your life who you used to rely on? Have they stopped calling?

Or what about your involvement? Have you stopped reaching out to others?

If this rings true you'll want to dig in to understand what's happening and get back on track before there's irreparable damage.

When healthy relationships remain healthy over the long haul, it means there are no blind spots. So dive deeper with the blinders off.

Are you at risk?

People who often struggle with this blind spot are high performers who are used to achieving their goals. They often have a lot of energy.

So they find it easy to make relationships. Life often goes well for them through their 20’s.

During this period of time, they have the energy to do fun things and go out with people on the spur of the moment.

Then they hit their 30’s. And change happens. Positive and negative. Life becomes much more demanding and complex.

Exciting opportunities and decisions push and pull on you. Job promotions place greater demands on you.

Relationship challenges require you to transition from the freedom of peer bonding to the commitments of pair bonding.

You may have pair bonded with someone but it hasn’t worked out so well.

Or you may have pair bonded and now have the challenge of the infinitely more difficult task of raising a child.

Then there are all of the other things in life that you didn’t plan for like illness, getting fired, or having people you love get sick and die.

Good things can also be a challenge. Buying a house or finishing an advanced degree can be very positive changes. But, they come at a significant cost.

Now that you know if you're at risk or not, you've got this...or do you?

You tell yourself that you're more than ready and able to handle any one of these issues. Excitement and opportunity fill your atmosphere.

You start to believe that your childhood dreams really will materialize. It is happening. Now. Fast. And you've got this, right?

And there's the blind spot. You have no idea just how much stress these life events will cause you both by themselves and when they happen in combination.

You're probably thinking, "Nope, this isn't stressful to me. This is life. And I've got it." Convincing yourself may feel like telling an 18-year-old girl who's found her Romeo that the giddy feeling won't last forever. "Oh for us it will," she insists.

Trust me. Or humor me. Or just stay out of curiosity. But, you need to learn how to deal with stress and manage it.

Every successful person needs to understand the breaking point of their stress.

You cannot maintain success when stress gets the better of you. And assuredly, stress will destroy you and your most valuable relationships if not understood.

When healthy relationships, and individuals for that matter, remain healthy it's only because the blinders have come off.

So you're able to weigh the toll that stress takes on you and your relationship. And, equally as important, you'll know how to handle it when healthy relationships break down as a result of the damaging effects of stress.

RELATED: 5 Shocking Ways Stress Can Destroy Your Love Life

How does stress affect your relationships?

A lot of people minimize the effect that stress has on their physical and relationship health.

They go through major stressors thinking that they should easily bounce back and move on to the next thing. Not so!

Stress follows you into your personal relationships. And it absolutely will affect how close you feel toward others and how close they feel to you.

When you're under stress, you will likely become less present and affectionate.

You'll lose the motivation to enjoy the fun activities that you used to love. And this will cause relationship conflict. If not today, then in the future.

Stress can cause you to be more irritable, anxious, and less communicative.

You will become a less enjoyable person to be with — a grouch. We all know those people, right?

Friends may gradually stop calling you because you're just no fun to hang out with.

Your physical and mental energy will drop as a result of stress. And that will greatly impact your relationships.

Going to parties and events where friends hang out may seem nearly impossible. Frankly, you just don't have the energy.

RELATED: How To Keep Stress From Ruining Your Relationships

Stressed out people are often busy people. Doing too much is a catalyst for driving your stress levels up.

A busy stressful schedule gives you little margin for spontaneous or even planned outings with friends or your partner.

Stress will cause you to look at the world through a lens of negativity. Over time, you will blame your overwhelm on others and life, in general.

You'll become less patient with and more judgmental of the people that you care about. You will be unable to overlook small issues, becoming irritable when they happen.

This will cause conflict that could have been avoided if you weren't so stressed.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're walking a dangerous path. All of this will take a toll on love relationships.

Your beloved wants all of you. Giving him or her your depleted stressed-out self will make them feel uncared for.

They'll feel like they're getting your leftovers, which may not taste all that great.

Over time, this can cause an injury to a relationship that — had it not been over-stressed — could have been perfectly happy.

How does stress affect your physical health?

Not taking the time for yourself to unwind, especially when you have a lot of stressful life events, is damaging not only to your relationships but also to your physical health.

But, stress management is vital. Your body can only handle so much stress before your chemistry begins to change and you develop problems with your physical health.

When you're breaking down physically due to stress overload, it's difficult to connect with people. 

If you're curious about your stress level and want to know if you're cool and calm or a stressed out accident waiting to happen, a great way to understand how stress affects physical health is by looking at and taking the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory.

Based on extensive research, they ranked 43 stressful life events from most to least stressful. You'll be surprised by some of these.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Index score is determined by getting the total value for stressful life events experienced over a 12-month period.

People who have a score of 150 have a 30 percent chance of suffering from stress.

They have a 50 percent chance of suffering from stress if their score is between 150 and 299.

If their score is over 300 they have an 80 percent chance of suffering from a stress-related illness. 

What would you guess is your most stressful life event? If you would say a major medical illness, the death of a child, a car accident or even going to prison, well you would be wrong.

The Holmes and Rahe research found that the death of a spouse is the most stressful life event, earning a stress score of 100.

Divorce came in second with a stress score of 73, followed by marital separation scoring 65, imprisonment and death of a close family member at 63, and personal injury or illness 53. Marriage got a score of 50.

You probably never thought that finding and getting married to the love of your life would be the 7th most stressful life event.

And that losing your spouse to death or divorce would top the stress charts.

Losing a spouse causes deep attachment loss and grief. It rips away, what John Bowbly, called your secure base of emotional grounding.

It often results in a major relationship and financial losses and deep fear about the future.

How do you handle it when healthy relationships — and you — start breaking down?

The first thing to ask your self is this: "Do I have a stress immunity blind spot? Have I been plowing ahead at breakneck speed telling myself that I can take on whatever life hands me?"

It's time to get real with yourself and admit that you are not super-human. With a stress overload, you will eventually break, just like anybody or anything else.

Take some time to reflect on how many stressful events you have been through in the past year by taking the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory.

And if your stress score is at a dangerous level, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Can I slow down and allow my body and emotions to recover from the stress?
2. Do I need to reach out to my partner in a failing relationship and let them know that I value them and need them in my life?
3. Am I already experiencing stress-related medical problems that I need to seek medical attention?
4. Do I have overwhelming emotions that I need the help of a therapist to process?

Seeking the help of a therapist is always a good idea if making the correction on your own isn’t an easy fix.

Being humble enough to ask your partner or family members for help is also important.

Your courage in doing so could save a relationship and, potentially, a life.

You are stressed and losing relationships for one simple reason: the pressure of life is greater than your capacity to lift it.

This does not make you bad or weak. It does make you a human that from time to time needs a little help from your friends.

What if you are losing a healthy relationship but you're not suffering from the effects of stress?

There are other common problems — clinical depression, anxiety, and trauma to name a few — that you may want to sort through with the help of a health care professional.

Chances are, if you have any of these you will also have a high-stress index score.

No article will alleviate stress from your life. The words on the page will not fix disconnected relationships.

And many physical health issues will require professional help.

But, this discussion is imperative to have a whole and healthy life and relationships.

So now that you know how to handle it when healthy relationships — and you — start to break down, you won't ignore the warning signs.

RELATED: 8 Things All Couples Can Do To Fix Their 'Broken' Relationships

Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. is a highly trained and experienced clinical psychologist and Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist in Visalia and San Luis Obispo, CA, who helps individuals and couples when relationships break down. He and his wife Paula, co-authored Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love.

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This article was originally published at michaelregier.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.