Photo: Kraken Images / shutterstock
You're closing yourself off to new love and new opportunities and you don't even realize it.
By Maura Matarese — Last updated on Jun 26, 2023
If you've been hurt by a relationship before or have just felt unlucky in love, you've probably wondered, "Will I ever find love?"
Audrey Hepburn once said, "Nothing is impossible. The word itself says 'I’m Possible'."
Pretty good dating advice, right? Yet, if you are healing from a devastating heartbreak, it’s easy to feel like the opposite is true.
To find love again, shift your way of thinking
It’s tough putting yourself out there. Even the excitement of meeting new people and online dating can get really old really quickly.
It’s easy to feel discouraged and hopeless about ever meeting — and falling in love with — someone new.
But people do find love and end up in relationships they want and deserve. And so can you.
You just need to be a little open to redefining what it means to find love again, especially if you are recovering from a divorce or any kind of major breakup.
There’s probably a big part of you that doesn't actually feel hopeful about finding love at all — and that is totally normal.
Why does it feel like you may never find love again? Once you get to the heart of the matter, you can unleash the hope.
Understanding and unburdening your pain over the loss of your ex, along with some false beliefs you may have about yourself, is key here. Then, the rekindling of hope will happen organically, in its own time and own way.
Here are five false narratives to change so you can open up and find love again
1. You can’t get over your ex and believe you never will
Trying to get over your ex is hard, especially if you didn’t want things to end. It’s especially difficult if you felt like your ex was your soulmate. To make matters worse, when the common anecdote "time heals all wounds" doesn’t seem to be working, it’s easy to begin to feel hopeless.
You can get over your ex, you just need to know how to do so.
It takes more than just time to get over the past. There are strategies that you can practice to help you be proactive in your healing. One way is by getting into your body by engaging in mind and body practices such as yoga or Qi Gong. The saying, "Your issues are in your tissues," applies here.
Learn how to twist out your built-up tension and release stress with your breath with these practices. They will help you feel lighter and more positive, all the way around.
2. No one will ever be as good as your ex
Nothing will ever compare to your ex. The part of you that keeps comparing is a clue that you still haven’t fully grieved your loss.
You'll love someone new in a different way.
While it’s true that no one will ever compare to what you loved about your ex, you can love someone else in an entirely new and different way.
Take some time to write down what you love and miss about your ex — as well as what didn’t really work for you. Then, take what you didn’t like and turn that into what you need in your next relationship.
For example, if your ex was naive or easily influenced by others, perhaps next time you need someone savvier with a strong sense of self. Or if your ex was dishonest, then integrity will be something that is a must-have.
3. All your past relationships ended in disaster
Many people do have repetitive relational patterns. They find themselves attracting the same "not so good for them" partner.
This is often tied into some early childhood attachment wounding that usually requires psychotherapy to heal.
You can always improve your relationship skills.
You can change your repetitive relational patterns to improve your relationship skill set.
Investing time with a good therapist can help you improve your relationship skills.
4. You were deeply betrayed and don’t think you can ever trust again
Betrayal trauma such as infidelity or being left for someone else can cause deep scars.
Healing your attachment style will help you to feel more confident attracting a healthy relationship that won’t be filled with drama.
When you heal your attachment style and learn to trust yourself, in time you will learn how to trust others, too.
This goal can also be tackled with therapy.
5. You don’t think finding love again is written in the stars for you
No one — other than a good astrologer — really knows what’s written in the stars.
Everyone has their karmic lessons, but they are seldom life sentences.
Now that the unspoken doom and gloom about ever finding love again has been named and validated, it’s time to counter those reasons with some practical hope.
More for You:
Maura Matarese is a licensed psychotherapist and author of Finding Hope In The Crisis: A Therapist's Perspective On Love, Loss, And Courage.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.