Help! My Husband Won't Go To Couples Therapy

I hate divorce. It's a fact I have to live with though, because I am a relationship psychotherapist and some marriages have to end. I think divorce is a lot like marriage in that you don't really know what you're getting into until you're midway in and then it's too late to turn back. So, you just keep going, feeling, and living.

I have a dear friend going through a divorce she didn't want. It's painful to watch, to listen to, and for my friend, I am sure it is the most painful to experience. I'm going to be seeing my friend soon, and this was the short note I received about the status of the divorce. How To Deal With Living With Your In-Laws

Dear Mary Jo,

Our divorce might be final by then. We communicate through our lawyers right now. I'm just completely speechless by the way my spouse (ex) manages to turn around and live life as if I had never been part of it! It's this rejection which hurts most ...

Love, 

ML

I keep thinking there is a better way, but for the life of me, how does one turn things around to make the pain stop? An annulment is not the answer any more than pretending something which existed didn't. Mediation comes closest to helping a divorce end with some sort of workable relationship still intact, and I think it is the best idea for children involved to be able to love both their parents without being quizzed or made to feel guilty.

It's the prevention of divorce I would like to offer ... but we have very few tools to work with. The one tool we have that actually has the biggest impact toward helping marriages survive is premarital counseling, but most couples prefer the huge wedding and expensive celebration in lieu of money better spent on making sure they will be compatible for more than three years. How Laughter Can Save Your Marriage

It's frustrating for those of us in the field and for those involved with a divorce they didn't want. More and more research is coming out in the marital area. Something most of us in the field would never have promoted is making an impact on marriage survival. In the past, if one of the partners were against marital therapy, the other who wanted to go would suffer in silence.

Now, we have good evidence that if one of the partners goes to therapy and shares the homework and talks about the therapy with their partner, the marriage actually begins improving. Below are the new rules for marriage therapy on your own. It may not be as ideal as the couple going ... but as long as the couple wants to save the marriage, and both are willing to work at the marriage by completing homework assignments, it can be a positive step in the right direction. How To Spice Up Your Married Sex Life (& Keep It That Way)

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Before you invest, make sure you do your homework up front. Here are suggestions to consider according to Dr. Howard Markman, a Psychologist and the study's lead researcher:

1. Find a therapist who will engage with you, but understands you are trying to improve your marriage. The therapist must be willing to see you alone, but work on the relationship.

2. Talk to your partner about why he doesn't want to go. Does he feel the marriage is hopeless, or is he uncomfortable with therapy? Does your partner still believe the marriage will work? If you go alone, the marriage problems must be transparent. If your spouse is still lying, cheating or abusive, this method will most likely fail.

3. Understand your goal is not to change your partner, but rather to gain insight into the dysfunctional pattern established and your role in it.

4. Invite your partner to come with you, but don't nag him. It is better if he attends when and if he is ready to join you. Using shame or guilt will backfire if used on your spouse.

5. Share all homework, articles, and books suggested. Spouses who began learning together were each improved the same, and their marriage did too, according to the research.

No matter who goes into therapy, there is a premise that couples need to understand and embrace. That premise of marriage is that you cannot change another person. The only person you can ever change is you, and you accomplish that by changing your reactions. The fault of a broken marriage has two names, HIS and HERS (same sex marriages His and His or Hers and Hers). 

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