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Is your man just being difficult or is he potentially dangerous to your well-being?
By Mary Knight — Written on Jun 27, 2019
Relationship red flags and the signs of a toxic person can be hard to spot sometimes.
Being caught up in strong sexual chemistry can leave you feeling wonderful and unquestioning of your judgment so you don't notice that you're already in a toxic relationship.
But, when you’re with a man and you feel small, sad, less than, angry, and used, it’s time to let go and move on. Not to be dramatic, but unless he is willing to go through some intensive personal development, he will not change.
And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you want to change? There are so many beautiful, healthy, available men longing for the love of an amazing woman like you! Don't ignore the signs of a toxic relationship just because you think there's no one else out there for you.
You don’t have to settle.
It doesn't matter how dark or light or old or fat or how smart or broke or rich or divorced or how many kids you have or how many or few sex partners or if you were a stripper or hooker or porn star or how Christian or Muslim or political or spiritual you are, there is someone for you. I know this to be a fact.
At 49 years of age, I was a retired sex worker who had been married and divorced three times. Then, I met the amazing, successful, high-quality man I’m married to now. If I can do it with all of that baggage — you certainly can, too!
But, before you can do that, you need to break free from unhealthy relationships — they're holding you back from finding true love.
Here are 12 signs that he's a toxic person so keep an eye out for these relationship red flags.
1. He has strong opinions about women
He’s particular about how you dress, how much makeup you wear whether he wants it to be a little or a lot, your hair color and cut, the length, and color of your nails.
Sure, it’s fine for a man to have preferences. But a normal healthy man isn’t going to be upset if you change your look. He won’t feel slighted, embarrassed or be upset if you don’t have time to get a pedicure, cut three inches off your hair or wear something other than what he expected for your date.
When a man is emotionally invested in your physical appearance, he is not looking at you as a person, but as an object for his pleasure. He looks at you as a possession for him to put on display. To him, you are not an individual with ideas and opinions of your own, but an extension of him.
2. He has strong opinions about everything
His strong opinions extend beyond your personal appearance to what movies you see, where you go out to eat, what you cook at home or what he cooks for you. He’s unusually uncomfortable doing unfamiliar things and won’t try anything new.
And I don't mean he says, "Hon, I’d rather not go to that French restaurant/art film/ballet/opera/play if it’s alright with you, I’d like to take you to …" I mean he gets angry and upset when you want to do something different.
By some chance, if you do get him to go along with the new thing, he makes sure you know he’s not happy about it the whole time you’re out. This boy has control issues!
3. He’s offended when you want to try something new, sexually
Or even when you want to talk about your sex life. What man doesn’t want to talk about sex?!
He is deeply insecure and/or believes sex is something a man does to a woman rather than a shared experience. He also secretly might believe that a woman who wants sex is "bad", "dirty", or a slut".
4. He’s a different person when you’re alone than when you’re out with your friends
We have all either dated or have a friend who’s dated this guy that she swears is fun and talkative and sweet, but in social situations, he sits in stony silence and sorta talks when talked to and otherwise acts bored, sullen, angry, and possessive.
This shows he doesn’t want to be in situations where he’s not the center of attention or in control. So, he’s a giant baby.
5. He uses derogatory terms towards women
When angry at a woman (store clerk, driver, bartender, your best friend, etc.) he refers to her as a "whore" or a "slut" or makes negative comments about her that are sexual in nature. Not only is this disgusting, but it’s also disrespectful to you.
Misogynists like this are trying to degrade and suppress women as a group. In reality, guys like this feel powerless around women and it makes them angry. This guy is potentially dangerous and needs to be avoided.
6. He bitterly complains about his mother
He doesn't just criticize her but he has no respect for her. Okay, to be fair, who hasn’t complained about their mom? But I’m not talking about being annoyed with her for doing mom stuff — I’m talking about straight up ugly blaming and holding grudges about decades passed childhood stuff.
He calls her a "slut" or a "whore". This is the behavior of a disturbed man.
It’s likely he was abandoned, abused, neglected, or suffered terrible childhood traumas at the hands of his mother or another female figure in his life. While this is very sad, if he hasn’t sought treatment, he will be a potentially physically abusive nightmare!
I’ve experienced this with a man I dated for a very short while and it is chilling to witness.
7. He monitors your social media
He’s particular about what types of posts you make and wants to approve photos and comments. He’s highly concerned with how the world views him and takes himself way too seriously.
Really, a grown man is concerned about a Facebook post his girlfriend makes.
9. He’s easily offended
He feels insulted by any joke and can’t take any kidding around.
This guy is insecure and again, one that takes himself too seriously.
10. He calls you names and is verbally abusive when you argue
Over time, this only gets worse. It doesn’t always escalate into physical abuse, but statistics show it certainly can. He has serious psychological issues.
I’ve been in plenty of arguments over the years and I’ve only been called a name by one of my ex-husbands and one of my past boyfriends while arguing. And I’ve dated some real winners, so if someone is name calling and cussing you up and down, it’s time for you to move on.
You can do better — I promise!
11. He yells at you every time you have a disagreement
I’ve had the kind of relationships where yelling was the go-to response to any kind of conflict. Even a small hint of confrontation and he started yelling. Men do this because they are trying to control you with anger.
Since I’m tough and not intimidated in the least by anger, I thought it was okay to be with this kind of man. Now that I’ve grown up, I know that men like this are childish bullies and yelling to avoid dealing with the issues!
12. He’s moody all the time
Of course, men can have bad days and be upset by life’s challenges. But if you don’t know who he’s going to be one day to the next, that’s not normal.
Men use this to manipulate women into feeling sorry for them, so they’ll "behave" and cater to them.
Being a people pleaser and a caretaker, I’ve been here so many times! I’ve gone so far as to marry the "lovable loser who is talented and just can’t get a break" not once, but twice!
How are you ever going to grow and be the highest expression of yourself when you’re taking care of a child that will never grow up? This can also be a sign of depression and he needs to get professional help, not rely on you.
As tempting as it is and as good as it feels to help him, you are not his therapist or coach.
If you are in a new relationship and you see your man exhibiting any of these signs, it’s wise to consider whether you want to get further involved with someone who is insecure, controlling, rigid, depressed, angry, misogynistic, childish or just plain boring!
These behaviors only get worse and more extreme over time if left untreated. There are plenty of high-quality men looking for you, so why put up with someone who is so much work?
You don't have to settle.
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Mary Eriksen is a Master Law of Attraction Coach, meditation instructor and a #1 bestselling author of How to Keep Your Man Out of My Bed: A Call Girl’s Best Advice for Capturing Your Man's Undying Adoration, Love & Loyalty. For more information, visit her website.