How to have regret-free sex in a new relationship.
As a dating and relationship coach whose company is called Dating With Dignity, you might guess I try to convince my clients that sex before commitment is a no-no. Not true! Instead, I believe that dating with dignity, simply means that regret does not factor into the experience. As a result, the Ahhhhh moment will last well into tomorrow and beyond, whether or not she continues to see her man.
So then, let's look at three things a woman can do to ensure that her choice to have sex is always made from a place that is free from regret, fear and false expectations:
1. Know your relationship goal.
Understand where you are in the cycle of dating and relationship development. Prior to getting into the dating game, it is critical that both men and women get clear on exactly where they hope to land once they have achieved their goal.
Is marriage your goal? Are you looking for an exclusive partnership? Or maybe you are hoping to date a few men or women at one time and keep things casual. For example, if you are fresh from a breakup or a string of dating disappointments, your goal might be to begin dating a different type of person than you typically attract so that you can better understand what you are looking for in a partner. Or maybe you want to learn and practice better communication skills so that you can articulate your needs in a way that is free from drama and conflict.
Once your goal is clear, you can then decide what boundaries you will have regarding sex. If you haven't been single since before Madonna's first marriage, then perhaps your goal is merely to "have fun"—which could include safely exploring a variety of sexual partners. If your goal is find Mr. Right, perhaps you will choose to hold off on sex until your partner agrees to an exclusive arrangement. Either way, you are empowered, in control and will avoid making the hasty type of decisions that can be made horizontally on your date's living room couch and can lead to regret, sadness and disappointment. 4 Steps To Your Own "Happily Ever After"
2. Be empowered to respond to what happens in each moment and make conscious choices.
Once you are aware of your relationship and dating goals, it is important to make sure that you are free and clear from the hang-ups of your past so that you stop reacting and making choices based on how you were treated in previous relationships.
For example, if you historically get hooked once there is "chemistry" and choose to have sex with a partner based on his or her potential, instead of how he treats you moment to moment, you could be ultimately disappointed or hurt.
If you know that in order to feel good about your decisions regarding sex, your potential partners have to respect certain boundaries you set and meet your needs consistently over time, no matter how hot he or she is, you will not fall into the "chemistry" trap that impacted your past. It is so easy for both men and women to bring past hurts, disappointments and beliefs from the past into the present. A woman who dates with dignity, however, is always in control, which ultimately reduces the possibility that she will make decisions she may regret later. The result? A woman who is confident, makes good choices, and enjoys sex free of guilt and regret. How To Combat Post-Sex Regret
3. Feel satisfied when sex is over.
A woman who understands and feels good about herself, will not experience regret once the act of sex is complete. Whether he leaves right away, the next morning, or it turns into a weekend together, the woman who dates with dignity is able to communicate her needs and expectations at all times. There is nothing worse than the sadness and loneliness a woman may feel when a man she met and sleeps with grabs his boxers, kisses her on the cheek and mutters, "call you," once the clock turns twelve.
In order to avoid disappointment and heartache, the dignity dater will discern long before she heads into the bedroom that this man is nothing more than Mr. Right Now, (because they discussed it prior to leaving the bar) and that because he meets her relationship goal, which in this example is to simply "have fun." She will be happy as a clam when he shuts the door, says "goodbye" and the remote control is all hers once again.
When the decision to have sex is a choice made without pressure or based on the assumption she "owes" him something; when there is no false hope involved or the expectation that it will result in something other than an orgasm, women can be free to enjoy the "ahhhhhhhh" of good sex long after the sheets are clean and the moment has long passed. Top 5 Reasons To Date Your One-Night Stand
Whether sex leads to a relationship, celebrates the beginning of a committed partnership, or is simply a good, old-fashioned friends with benefits arrangements, women who are confident, empowered and connected to their personal values and self respect will most likely feel good about their choices, experience sexual satisfaction, and a life free of conflict, drama and regret.