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Change is possible, but he has to be the one to do it.
By Alex Alexander
Last updated on Feb 22, 2024
Narcissists can be difficult to spot in the beginning stages of a relationship, as their charming, love-bombing ways can at first make you feel like they're anything but. However, the mask often drops once they've earned your commitment in marriage, leaving you feeling manipulated, gaslit and as though you're constantly walking on eggshells.
According to therapy site BetterHelp, a marriage to a narcissist can work. However, the road to happiness won't be easy and will require effort.
Here are 3 efforts you can make to save your marriage to a narcissist.
1. Force your partner to put himself in your shoes.
When he makes some condescending statement, repeat back to him (in a nice way) exactly what he said. For instance, if he says, "Why can't you be more like_____? She cooks so well for her husband." Turn it around and say to your hubby, "What If I said to you, Why can't you be more like_____? He provides so much better for his wife."
When he hears those words back, your partner might realize how much they really sting. Sometimes, we say things but don't stop and think about how they affect the other person.
2. Make sure your spouse realizes how big the problem really is.
He could simply be taking you for granted and chalking up that self-centered attitude to, "Oh, everyone acts like I do in a marriage." You can point out that no, successful couples put their partners first, most of the time. Sure, we are all a little selfish at times. But narcissists never put their partner's needs ahead of their own. Gently point out that while you go the extra mile for him most of the time, he rarely reciprocates.
Give specific examples of how you would like to see him change. Reiterate how important your relationship is, and that you have every faith in the world that he is capable of turning his behavior around. But if he doesn't, the marriage is in jeopardy. That suggestion alone could be enough to rock his world and jar your hubby into compliance.
3. Give your partner an ultimatum, and stick with it.
If you say you are on your way out, you have to be ready to leave.
Not that he has to undergo a metamorphosis in a matter of days. If you notice a changing attitude with every passing week, give it some more time. But if your hubby refuses to budge and insists on his way or the highway, you may need to take a break and separate while you seek counseling.
Changing narcissistic behavior is tough, but if he is ready to do the work and realizes this behavior has to change, your marriage just might go the distance.
The other question is: How badly do you want to stay in a marriage if your needs are not being met? Your answer might actually make that decision for you.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
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Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.