People Who’ve Been Deeply Disappointed Over And Over Find Hope In These 6 Ways
Andrey Starkhovskiy | Unsplash Finding hope and having a positive attitude after disappointment isn’t always easy. Disappointment comes when you expect something to happen or be true, and your expectation is unfulfilled. You’re let down by the circumstance or the person, causing you to feel deeply sad or betrayed.
You may have a sense of loss or regret. There may be a period of mourning. Mourning is all normal, and you can learn how to move on. On the other end of disappointment, there is hope. This is where you can find new perspectives and possibilities. You can learn from the experience and explore how you might behave differently next time. Staying positive and hopeful is a chance for a new beginning.
There are all kinds of disappointments — from not winning the lottery this week to hearing your child did something she promised never to do. From learning your boss chose someone else to get the promotion that you wanted to find out that your husband cheated on you.
A lot of major and minor events can cause disappointment. When something important to you doesn’t work, you are naturally disappointed. Now, you get to decide what to do with it. Things are as they are. We suffer because we imagine things would be different. How do you find hope and keep a positive attitude after being disappointed?
Recently, I was very disappointed to learn my niece and nephew and their baby girl are moving clearly across the country. My niece is like a daughter to me, and my nephew is the son I never had. And then, there’s their little girl, upon whose head the sun rises and sets for all of us.
When I first heard the news, I could feel my heart breaking. I imagined I would read to my little one all the books I lovingly picked out, and I thought we would play with the same toddler puzzles until she grew out of them. I was sure our impromptu get-togethers for pizza on a Friday night would be forever — a huge disappointment.
Now that the day of their departure is drawing very near, I’m thinking more about how to stay connected with them. I’m focusing on how I can help relieve their stress around the move by packing boxes for them. As I search for the silver lining, I find hope after that disappointing event.
Rather than wallowing in the loss, which is something I have to acknowledge, I’m choosing to make plans for regular video talks with this dear part of my family. I’ve ordered a recordable book so my husband and I can record our voices reading the story so our precious little one won’t forget us.
We’re also making plans for our first visit. This was how I found hope. Disappointments are saying, "I’ve got something better for you." So be patient. Live your life. Have faith. And you'll eventually find yourself moving on from it.
People who’ve been deeply disappointed over and over find hope in these 6 ways:
1. Acknowledge the disappointment
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Accepting the situation is the first step to moving beyond it. It is what it is, and we can’t change what is in the past. This acceptance may take some time, and you may want to wallow in it, but staying in the grips of that will only hold you back.
I love this analogy and choice: Do you want to keep looking in the rearview mirror (wallowing), or will you look through the windshield and consider the possibilities after the disappointment?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy research found that when people actually accept the crappy stuff that happens to them instead of trying to fight it or pretend it didn't happen, they end up way better off mentally. It turns out that accepting painful situations for what they are helps you move forward with your life instead of staying totally stuck in denial or avoidance.
2. Feel the emotions that come up
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Don’t avoid them. The emotions will be there, no doubt. Sadness, regret, grief, anger, betrayal, and heartbreak are all tangled up in disappointment. Trying to hurdle over those emotions or maneuver around them will not help you in the long run because you’re avoiding the inevitable.
Working through them will help you understand better how you react to disappointment. With that wisdom, you can choose how you will behave the next time your expectations are not met.
Trying to avoid your emotions is like putting a band-aid on a broken bone because it might feel better temporarily but it makes everything worse down the road, studies have argued. When you actually let yourself feel the uncomfortable stuff instead of shoving it down, you process it and move through it rather than letting all those unprocessed feelings pile up and turn into bigger mental health problems.
3. Be gentle with yourself as you move through the emotional stuff
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Give yourself a break, literally and figuratively. Put some distance between you and the situation that disappointed you so you can see more clearly the options ahead. Then, breathe. Take care of yourself while you are working through how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.
Research suggests that people who are kind and compassionate to themselves when they're going through hard times have way less anxiety and depression than people who constantly beat themselves up. Being gentle with yourself actually calms down your whole nervous system and makes it so much easier to handle whatever curveball life just threw at you.
4. Determine what is within your control to change and what is not
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Finding hope after disappointment requires recognizing what is within your control to change. Making choices from that perspective gives you the power to move forward so you heal the wounds and find the good in the new situation.
Disappointments are not meant to destroy you. They are meant to strengthen you.
People who can tell the difference between what they can actually change and what's totally out of their hands are happier and mentally healthier overall, researchers have revealed. When you put your energy into the stuff you can actually do something about instead of spinning your wheels over things you have zero control over, you feel way more empowered and way less stuck.
5. They adjust their expectations
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Think about what you were expecting to be different in the situation. Were your expectations unrealistic? Was there anything about that situation that you could have changed? Did you set yourself up for disappointment because of your expectations?
Adjusting your expectations moving forward can help to mitigate the feelings that come with disappointment. When you have no expectations, you will not be disappointed. Can you adjust your expectations?
Studies have found that having super high expectations that don't match reality is basically setting yourself up for nonstop disappointment, anxiety, and depression. People who keep their expectations more realistic instead of expecting everything to be perfect end up with way better mental health because they're not constantly crushed when life doesn't go exactly according to plan.
6. They look for the hope
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This is a choice. Look through the windshield for new possibilities. Find the silver lining. Change your perspective.
Ask yourself this question: What if it was my idea? Would you feel differently? What actions would you take if it was in your control — if it was your idea? Allow new situations to unfold that may not have happened otherwise.
Finding hope after disappointment is a choice. Make the choice that feels better, rather than wallowing in the sadness. Moving forward from that place of choice, one step at a time is the best way to move through disappointment.
Findings on cognitive reframing shows that when you can shift how you're looking at a bad situation and find something to learn or some way you might grow from it, you actually change how it affects you emotionally. People who practice looking for the silver lining or new possibilities in tough times end up more resilient and way less stressed because they're not trapped in just one miserable way of seeing what happened.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women, and the founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
