5 Things To Start Doing Tonight So Your Relationship Relieves Stress Instead Of Causing It
Psychology's best tools for building a relationship that keeps the peace.
bbernard via Shutterstock At first, being in a relationship is bliss. Your partner can’t do anything wrong in your eyes. But, after a while, things change. You see your partner as a real human being, flaws and all. Often, once the 'zing' of a new relationship fades, you start to feel unloved and stressed out.
When a relationship becomes a source of stress, it's time to recalibrate and try to reduce stress. If you don't, it's likely you will take it out on your partner and that is usually an early warning sign that a relationship is about to end.
It doesn't have to be that way, however. You can manage the stress reactions you experience in your relationship — both on your own and together — so your relationship can be a relief from stress, not a contributor to it!
Five things to do when your relationship is stressing you out
1. Talk it out
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Society teaches us to go into a relationship and everything will just work out. This is wrong.
In a healthy relationship, as explored by research in the Handbook of Family Communication Journal, you need to tell your partner what you need, what you like, and what you don’t like. Keep talking about it until you can come to a compromise that works for both of you.
Humans are always changing, so learn to work through your differences.
2. Don’t get caught up in expectations
People should go into a relationship without expectations. We live in a world where everything is about setting goals.
It’s easy to get caught up in the goal and miss out on enjoying the process. Neither you nor your partner are perfect. Research by Dr. Gordon L. Flett suggests this is the first expectation to drop.
Stop setting deadlines for your relationship. Do you have to buy a house in a year or have exactly two children — one boy and one girl?
Expectations will set you up for failure. This will make you feel bad and lead to resentment.
3. Admit when you’re wrong and be silent when you’re right
This is one of the hardest things to do in a relationship, but one of the best. This means that after an argument, you have had a chance to repair it.
You can’t get over an argument unless there has been some repairing. It’s easy to let things build up. You don’t want to do this. It will make things worse in the long run.
4. Build a culture of understanding in your relationship
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It’s easy to want to fix the problem first. You can’t fix anything unless you have a culture of understanding. This means you need to listen to one another, as outlined by a study in Communication Journal.
Share stories about your past. What have you overcome in your life? How was your parent’s relationship? We learn how to be in relationships through our family of origin.
What does this mean? You don’t know what you don’t know.
5. Create a list of stress-reducing rituals
Are you having fun in your relationship? If you are stressed, then the answer is probably "no." You want to be able to have fun with your partner.
For stress relief, there are a couple of things you can do. Go to places where you have good memories. Where did you take your first hike together or first weekend getaway? Do you have a favorite movie?
Laugh together. Research by JongEun Yim shows how laughter helps reduce stress. Make sure you have a couple of stress-reducing rituals for yourself as well. Take a bubble bath or read poetry.
Healthy relationships are hard work, but managing stress is possible. You don’t want your relationship to be a source of stress in your life, as it will cause you to drift from your partner. It could eventually even lead to a breakup.
When you get home at the end of the day, you want to be excited to see your partner. You want to feel the stress leave your body.
When you've been in a relationship for a while, it's easy to forget to play or even dream together. When you are dreaming together, you are having fun together. This alone will help reduce stress.
Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She is dedicated to helping couples and has completed Levels 1, 2, and 3 at The Gottman Institute.
