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You don't have to stay in pain.
By Kelly Ann Garnett — Written on Dec 10, 2018
Breakups or divorces can be one of the most devastating times in your life, and figuring out how to get over a breakup is one of the toughest tasks imaginable — especially when it's getting over someone you love.
When it's time to end things, you've got to figure out how to heal a broken heart so you're not stuck in a cycle of pain while you're trying to move on.
Knowing how to get over someone you love will save you a ton of heartache in the future and make your breakup much healthier and ultimately happier for you both.
As I ponder through past breakups, I’m reminded of how much hurt, anger, and confusion I felt. I had to learn how to get over a breakup — and my last breakup was the most difficult of my life!
From the first time I laid eyes on Luke, I was a goner. There was something so manly about him; something about his energy was so sweet, and his eyes so kind. The more I got to know him, I began to realize my instincts were right. He was amazing!
We didn't begin dating until a year after we met and he came at me full steam ahead, told me he saw a future with me and that he loved me and I fell for it all … hook, line, and sinker.
When he broke up with me the first time, he said his world was falling apart and he "needed space." He ended up telling me that he didn't think he was ever in love with me. I was crushed. But instead of trying to figure out how to let go of him, we ended up dating again.
But why did I get back together with him then? Simple: I was in love and certain that he was "the one".
In some ways, the second time around was even better. I was more myself, more in reality, and less in fantasy about our relationship. In some ways, it was much more difficult because he was so detached. He told me he didn't want anything serious, but wanted to see how things went.
What I saw was that things were great — magical, in fact!
Five months in, after a fantastic holiday season together, it became clear that I saw exactly what I wanted for us but he didn't.
So I ended it. And I was devastated. I was shocked. I was so hurt and angry and holding tight to it. After all, how can you mend a broken heart? How can you get over your ex when you still love him?
I’d never experienced the grace and ease that was between us with anyone else. The sweetness, respect, and fun we had were amazing and we had so much in common. I didn't care about his annoying idiosyncrasies or the fact that he snored like a howler monkey.
I loved him. And I was so angry at him for not loving me back! Didn't he know how lucky he was to have me in his life? How loving, intelligent, funny, sexy, and caring I was?
I kept wanting to stay angry at him, blame him for my pain, and stay as the victim.
But what good would that do me? I realized I had to “flip the script” and take my power back: I had to learn how to get over an ex, how to move on, and how to deal (properly!) with a breakup.
Here are 4 ways to get over a breakup with someone you love and heal a broken heart:
1. Ride the emotional wave into the past.
Emotions are signals from the soul that you haven’t resolved something from your past. It's deeper than the hurt you're feeling in the present.
If you ride the feeling back to the earliest memory you have of feeling this same hurt (or, at least, something close to it), you might be surprised at what you discover.
For me, it was when my dad left and my parents got divorced. I don’t remember the exact moment it happened, but I know I was devastated. And that became my story: All men I love leave me.
Once I realized that this was my three-year-old self’s perspective, I was able to acknowledge the hurt and let the story go as it wasn't the truth.
2. Stay in the present reality.
When you miss him or want to reach out to him, remind yourself that this relationship was complete and it was safe to let him go. Getting over a breakup is a lot easier when you don't dwell in the past.
You need to feel and acknowledge the loss, because figuring out how to get over someone you love and face being heartbroken is never easy. Keep remembering that it's over and that he's not in love with you anymore.
The more you stay in reality and out of fantasy, the better you'll feel. I certainly did.
If the sadness comes up, then you're sad. If the tears start flowing, then cry (in an appropriate place, of course). If you're angry, hit a pillow or scream into it. You have to learn how to let go of someone you love as the pain comes; how to get over heartbreak is going to be a personal journey.
Relationship advice can help, but ultimately, it's up to you. You're the one who's heart broken.
Most importantly, keep reminding yourself that this is temporary and would eventually pass so you'll feel good again.
3. Forgive.
It will never be easy trying to learn how to forget someone or how to deal with heartbreak. And sometimes anger and judgments will come while you're seeking closure.
After my breakup, I had to forgive myself for the judgments I placed on myself and on Luke. He had free will and if he didn't feel love for me, then I needed to honor that. And not take it personally because it really had nothing to do with me.
I know that’s easier said than done, but he has his stories, too. After all, he was learning how to move on from an ex, too.
Maybe he was afraid of commitment. Maybe he’s been in so many unhealthy relationships in the past that he doesn't know how to deal with a healthy one.
No matter what, he was doing the best that he could at the time and if he knew how to do it better, he would have.
4. Be grateful.
The last step you need to take is to sit in your heart space and be grateful for the experience and for everything you went through — together and separately.
Relationships are never a waste of time. They always assist us in learning and growing, if we pay attention. Getting over heartbreak or getting over a breakup are learning processes that you can only, unfortunately, learn through experience.
What I realized was that my heart was not broken … it was broken open, greater than it’s ever been before! I hadn't loved someone that deeply since college!
I had walls up previously and those came down! I learned so much about myself and how invaluable I am in a relationship. I had a positive, life-changing impact on this man’s life, and he on mine, and we are better for it.
After some time, that glimmer of hope entered my heart again and eventually I was able to fully release him and move forward ... and you will, too.
So, how long does it take to get over a break up? Well, no one can really determine that except for you. But following these steps will help you understand not only how to survive a breakup, but will enable you to move through it with more grace. You’ll be able to appreciate the gift of your time spent together and move forward toward giving and receiving your heart’s deepest desire … love.
Kelly Ann Garnet is a certified love attraction coach, a certified life coach, and has Masters degrees in spiritual psychology and education. If you are struggling to heal from a terrible breakup or divorce, contact her now for a free session.
This article was originally published at Kelly Ann Garnett. Reprinted with permission from the author.