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The high road is the best road.
By Karen Covy — Written on Sep 10, 2018
The traditional divorce strategy is simple: protect yourself, get as much money as you can, and smash the other side. Those who want an amicable divorce may not try to smash their spouse, but they still go after the money and the security.
Very few people focus on how to move on after divorce and taking the high road or even stop for a moment to wonder what taking the high road in divorce even means. Those who do, though, have a qualitatively different outcome in their divorce and in their life afterwards.
Taking the high road in divorce means, quite simply, following the Golden Rule: You treat your spouse the way you would like them to treat you. You also always put your kids’ interests first, even if it means your own interests then take a backseat.
What taking the high road in divorce does NOT mean, though, is being a complete doormat and giving your spouse everything while you get nothing! Taking the high road is about acting with integrity. It is not about allowing your ex to make a victim or a sap of you.
Two emotions consume most people who are going through a divorce: fear and greed. Their whole life is changing and they're afraid that if they don’t fight to protect themselves they won’t have enough to survive.
They're also usually angry with their spouse and want to make sure that their spouse doesn’t take advantage of them. They want to make sure they get everything they're entitled to get (plus maybe a little bit more, just for good measure).
The problem with letting fear and greed drive you is that doing so puts you in a really ugly place. It strips away all of your personal power and turns you into a selfish, grasping wretch. You fight, not because fighting gets you what you want, but because you don't know what else to do.
It also often ends up putting you in no better financial position than what you would have been in if you had taken the high road. So, here's how to move on after divorce while taking the high road and not subjecting yourself to greed and fear.
1. Your kids will be better off.
Research about divorce has consistently shown that the one thing that hurts children more than anything else is conflict. When parents fight, children suffer. Yet, giving in to your spouse, and not fighting over your kids, is really hard.
It's hard not to argue with your spouse when s/he doesn’t want to pay for something you think the kids should have. It's hard not to feel upset when your ex brings the kids home late, or doesn’t parent the same way that you do.
Your natural instinct is always to protect your kids, even if it means fighting with your ex. But putting your kids' interest first means taking a giant step back, asking yourself what really matters, and letting the rest go.
2. You'll save time and money.
The more you and your spouse fight, the longer your divorce takes and the more it costs. Of course, giving your spouse everything, or not insisting on getting the support that you need to survive after your divorce, will end up costing you a lot more money in the long run. But remember, taking the high road is not about being a doormat. It's about only fighting when fighting makes sense.
It doesn’t make sense to spend thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees to get an extra hundred dollars in assets. It doesn’t make sense to do things to purposely aggravate your spouse, just because it makes you feel better in the moment. What does make sense is to stand your ground for those things that are really important and being willing to walk away from the things that are not.
3. You'll feel better about yourself.
Everyone thinks that taking the high road is about letting your spouse off the hook. It’s not. Taking the high road is not about your spouse at all. It's about you.
After your divorce is over, your spouse is gone, but you will still see yourself in the mirror every day. Your kids will see you, too. They will see how you acted and reacted during your divorce. Who do you want them to see?
Who would you be if, instead of worrying only about protecting yourself and getting as much money as you could in your divorce, you focused on trying to satisfy as many of everyone’s needs as you could (that includes you, your kids, and your spouse)? What if, instead of being driven by fear and greed, you let integrity and compassion guide you? Who would you be after your divorce if you knew you did the best you could to always take the high road?
Still can’t figure it out? Call Karen for a free 20-minute consultation. To get more advice about deciding to divorce (or not) check out: I Don’t Want to Stay Married But I’m Afraid to Get Divorced.
