The 3 Real Reasons We Fall In Love — And Don't Even Realize It

Love resolves our wounds.

Couple rushing to each other ViDI Studio | Shutterstock

There are many reasons we get into relationships and the real reason is rarely what we think it is. Instead, we feel we find that we have some things in common with the object of our attraction and we end up in a relationship. Then the fecal matter hits the rotating blades that circulate the air, and we feel like we've been duped when the real reasons come to the surface.

The real reason comes to the surface when the relationship creates a conflict with wanting a deeper need met. In other words, we get into the relationship expecting our partner to fulfill a hidden need and help us heal an emotional wound. Our partner inevitably and unwittingly does things to trigger that hidden, unfulfilled need. This causes conflict and we think we've chosen the wrong partner. This isn't true. We've probably chosen exactly the right partner to help us resolve our wounds.


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Here are the 3 real reasons we fall in love — and don't even realize it

1. The need for sovereignty

We want to learn how to step into our power. If this is your lesson, you'll attract partners with whom you lose yourself. You'll be one of those people who deserts their friends when they're in a relationship. Typically, women tend to do this more than men but men are not immune from this. The lesson with this dynamic is learning how to maintain your sense of self while you're in a relationship.

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2. The need to heal abandonment and trust issues

These two lessons go hand in hand. Early issues of abandonment cause you not to trust the people you love. The abandonment doesn't have to be serious, it could be something as simple as having been left to cry in your crib for a long time. The truth is that all of us struggle with abandonment and trust to some degree.

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3. The need to feel worthy of love

This is the bottom line reason we get into relationships. Everyone struggles with this at some point in their lives. Learning to feel worthy of love is an inside job. You have to learn how to love yourself first before others in your life will reflect that love to you. This is the biggest lesson of all and for everyone to remember. No matter what has happened to you, no matter what you've done or not done in your life, you are still a precious human being worthy of great love.


The next time you think you've chosen the wrong partner, think again. Take a good look at the dynamics of the relationship and ask yourself what they mean. Can you remember an earlier time when you felt like this? Ask yourself what need or needs you are trying to meet. Moving through these dynamics while you're in a relationship can be challenging, and you may need a trained coach or therapist to help you. The alternative is repeating unhealthy patterns in each successive relationship you have.

Group of friends all fall in love Nuva Frames via Shutterstock

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Johanna Lyman is a culture and leadership development expert. She is the Principal Consultant and Practice Leader for Culture and Inclusion at Kadabra.