How To Have Better Sex

Three steps to better sex and creating conscious relationships


    Our culture has a complicated relationship with sex. The story varies slightly depending on where you are in the country, but the basic idea is that it’s a little like watching a giant car crash: you feel guilty watching, you know you’re not supposed to be entertained, but secretly you find it thrilling. Even some of my most liberal, forward thinking friends have uncovered hidden beliefs that sex is shameful.
      It’s tragic, really, that something so natural and beautiful has been perverted so deeply in the name of controlling the masses. It’s tragic that something with the capacity to open your heart and your mind has been corrupted so fully. It’s time to take back sex for ourselves.
     Great sex has the ability to make you lose yourself and merge with the Divine. That’s what happens when you orgasm- you lose yourself. And that’s why thousands of people study and practice Tantra- to learn how to control the flow of energy through their bodies to expand the orgasmic experience. Most people, when they think of orgasms, think of their genitals. But orgasms can be so much more than that.
Taking back sex starts as an inside job. It’s a three step process.

  1. The first step is to gain an appreciation of your physical body. I mean right now, appreciate all the parts of your body. Not when you lose those ten pounds, not sucking in your gut, not when you have make-up on, and for guys, not when you’re hard and just back from the gym. It’s impossible to have great sex when you’re hating on some part(s) of your body. Go and stand in front of a mirror naked. Look at your body and pick a part you don’t usually love. Make a decision to love that part right now. You’ll feel resistance, but stand there, looking at that part with love, until you feel the resistance begin to soften.
  2. The next step is about understanding how your body works. You can’t expect your lover to make you come if you don’t know what turns you on. Nearly everyone masturbates, but very few people make love to themselves. Instead, they masturbate just to relieve tension. It’s viewed as something that just has to happen, and quickly. The next time you feel the desire to masturbate, make love to yourself instead. Prepare as if you would for a lover. Put on soft music, take a shower, light some candles. Explore your body like it was the body of a new lover. Discover new ways to touch yourself that feel good. If you’re in a relationship, share what you discovered with your partner so they can try it on you.
  3. The third step is about trust. None of the three steps is a quick fix, but this one may be the most challenging. The good news is that every step you take toward trusting more deeply improves your relationships. You don’t have to be perfect to make it work. The reason trust is so important is that you’ll never allow yourself to fully surrender to the experience if you don’t trust yourself or your partner. Here’s a secret most people don’t know: you can trust more deeply by simply making a choice to trust. Pick one thing you don’t trust about yourself or your partner. Then say, “Although I haven’t in the past, I now choose to trust that (insert the thing you picked)”. When you notice mistrust creeping in, remember that you’ve chosen to trust. You’ll start noticing signs that support trust; it’s a matter of focusing your attention on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

These three steps will lead you deeper into love through the vehicle of better sex. If you want to go further, there are many excellent books on Tantra and sacred sexuality available. You can learn breathing techniques, how to consciously move your energy, and communication skills to deepen your relationship and expand your sexual experiences. There’s no end to how deeply you can dive into the sea of sexuality.  You may find that you need help along the way.  A trained professional, like a therapist or a relationship coach like me, can take years off the process.