4 Signs Your Boyfriend Is A Gaslighting Narcissist

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4 Dark Inner And Gaslighting Motives Of Your Narcissist Boyfriend
Heartbreak

His inner thoughts are disturbing.

A narcissistic person's character is different from a psychologically healthy person. They are far more archaic, motivated entirely by selfish needs, but they lack basic human integrity, empathy, and compassion. 

And due to their stunted emotional maturity, their inner motivations are highly pathological. Their thoughts don’t resemble the thoughts of a healthy, psychologically mature person.

If you suspect that your boyfriend is a narcissist, what he says may be completely different from what he is really thinking — so it can be hard to know for sure.


RELATED: There Are 3 Types Of Narcissists — Here's How To Spot Each One


Here are 4 signs your boyfriend is a gaslighting narcissist, plus what he REALLY means when he says these 4 things:

1. He devalues your worth.  

What he says: "You don’t know how to manage money. If it wasn't for me, you would be broke."

What he really means: "I feel powerful and significant when I can blame you and hurt your self-esteem. I resent you and think you deserve to be treated like garbage, and furthermore, I think I am entitled to make you feel like garbage. I feel better when I hurt you and I get what I want, which is to make you spin because I need to see the power I exert over you and your emotional wellbeing."

2. He accuses you.

What he says: "You don’t care about me and never have. You don’t support me and only think about yourself."

What he really means: "My goal is to make you feel guilty and worry that I have a poor opinion of you. I know that you are going to do everything you can to convince me of how much you care and this makes me feel powerful. I know I’ve got you hooked, and I can keep treating you like dirt, because the more I do, the harder you try to convince me otherwise."


RELATED: 4 Personality Traits Good Women Have That Attract Narcissists


3. He assassinates your character.

What he says: "You’re lazy, selfish and self-absorbed."

What he really means: "I have no evidence or facts to back up my point but that’s inconsequential. The goal is not to prove my point. The goal is to get you spinning. If you’re frustrated, tormented and hysterical with my false allegations and misinformation the better I feel. I need to feel omnipotent, all-powerful, like a smiting god taking his wrath out on you, the meaningless human. I experience a superior, cruel enjoyment when I create illusions and witness your pain."

4. He plays the victim.

What he says: "If you would’ve shown me any love at all, I would’ve given you my heart."

What he really means: "I’ll never give you a darn thing. You don’t deserve it. All you deserve is to be toyed with and have your head messed with. I dangle a carrot in front of your nose and you actually believe I was going to give it to you! Not a chance. You are only here to serve my need for significance. I will take what I want whether you like it or not. I will dangle that carrot to keep your mind foggy with pain and hope that I’ll give you what you want, which I absolutely will not."

It’s incomprehensible to a compassionate individual to think that anyone could possibly think like this.

Our minds scream, "No! It can’t be true!" Sadly, deep in our hearts, we know it is entirely plausible and scarily accurate.

Have you ever spoken to a narcissist when their true self flashed through the veneer of their false outer mask?

You will see the ugly internal motivations bubble to the surface. You will see the true face of the contemptuous, cruel person within. You will see the seething rage that edges every word and you will know at that moment, deep within your bones, that this person does not care about you one bit.

Sadly, even then, your compassionate character might keep you hanging on to a thin thread of hope that it can’t be possible. Over time, that tiny thread shreds apart with every razor-tipped, sneering word that they utter.

In those moments, you will realize you are not seen as a being in their eyes. You are seen as a thing that they are using to extract narcissistic supply. And maybe you have even come to the realization that you are just another thing they will use along the path of their addictive need for absolute supremacy. 

It’s pathetic really, that an abuser will lay waste to everything that comes across their path in order to preserve their own survival against total self-destruction.

To them, their behavior is not an option. It’s a matter of self-preservation. 

Don’t be the wretched sheep to cross the wolf’s path. Don’t allow yourself to continue to be victimized in order to supply this unwholesome need for narcissistic supply. Don’t expect the wolf to change into a sheep.

He doesn’t want to change. You must accept this.


RELATED: The 8 Stages Of Emotional Pain You Go Through When Breaking Up With A Narcissist


Joanne Brothwell, MSW, ACC, is a therapist, author, and coach in Saskatoon, Canada with twenty-two years of public and private practice. She is the creator of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Course, a program designed to provide information, case examples, powerful techniques, thought-provoking exercises and specific healing activities that are crucial to recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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