The 'Cool Girl' Strategy That Can Save Your Failing Marriage

We're constantly changing, but is it for the better?

By Jessica M. Miller
Last updated on Mar 20, 2024

Photo: Vera Arsic | Canva

Does your marriage still resemble the relationship you had in the beginning? You're probably thinking, Of course not. We created a life together, and that girl got benched. True your life HAS changed, but I think it's more than that. I believe that we get so wrapped up in the expectations of being a wife and/or parent that we forget who our partner fell in love with. Here's one easy trick that will bring that girl back and DRAMATICALLY change/save your marriage.

First, remember what you were like in the beginning (bright-eyed and carefree). Secondly, channel that girl when crazy-stressful moments — like life! — pop up. For example: If your husband forgets to pick up milk before you start the "I do everything and the one time I ask you to do it, this is what happens" speech, consider what your former, less stressed, self would say. The results? You feel attractive again — like someone who your husband wants to flirt with. You see your relationship in a new light. You feel lighter — physically and emotionally. You're free to finally be YOU again.

Here's how to channel your inner cool girl, and save your marriage.

Before kids, a house and the other hundreds of responsibilities we have now, my husband and I lived in a blissful state. We had the freedom, the LUXURY, to enjoy each other (and non-PG "fun time") whenever we wanted. It wasn't like today's, “Quick we have five minutes! ... WHY are you still sitting there?" Life happened. I changed 180 degrees — I felt like a tornado sucked me up and spit me out. The saddest part is that I let myself morph into this person I couldn't recognize. Suddenly, my husband received an invite to my horrific PMS side, and I stopped trying to impress him altogether. I forgot how important it is to show your partner love.

After yet another hormonal meltdown, I stormed into our bedroom to sulk. Somehow I ended up organizing the closet and found a box of old letters that he had written to me (well not me, the sweeter version of myself). I slowly unfolded one of the letters, my heart started beating faster and my eyes welled up with tears. I subconsciously knew that I was in for a reality check ... and was it ever? When I re-read the words that my then-26-year-old beau wrote to a girl as sweet as cotton candy named Jessica Marie, it hit me. I had changed in the WORST way possible.

My husband didn't promise to love and cherish this. No, he committed to the better version of myself. What if we remembered who our partners asked to marry and channeled that girl a little more than we do? I bet our relationships would noticeably improve. When life gets crazy, I ask myself, What would carefree Jess do or say? It was such a relief to know that the girl wasn't gone, she was just buried. Regrettably, I was the one that held the shovel.

Why do we change so much? Every time we advance in life — whether it's a new job, getting hitched, or having another kid — we take on more roles. And with new roles comes a lot of perceived responsibility and pressure. There's a ton of pressure to be perfect, which leaves us feeling depleted and inept. It's like, overnight, we turn into our worst nightmare — our mother. Snapping, griping, and nagging. But just like the pendulum swings back, so can you.

You'll fall into old habits. We always do. There are still times I catch myself venturing into Jerkland, but now that I know can change, the rebound is minimal. When you feel yourself slipping into your old ways, ask yourself, What would the more carefree version of myself do or say? If you want to take steps to ensure that your marriage isn't at risk for divorce or, simply, sucking, adopt the habit of channeling the girl from the beginning. You know, the one he couldn’t get enough of? She's still in there, and with a little dusting, she will be good as new.