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Stay blissfully in love.
By Jean Walters — Written on Jan 25, 2019
Sustaining true love in a relationship is no easy feat. In fact, there are a lot of illusions about what connecting and relating to another person is supposed to look like in healthy relationships, which is why many men and women overlook the essential personality traits needed to sustain lasting love.
For starters, we do not live in a Cinderella/Prince Charming world. This is not reality. These fairy tales have played havoc with your view of real-life connection and commitment because they are not real, yet often, people want to use them as templates for their flesh and blood relationships.
However, the way people treat their special love relationship, as opposed to the way they treat their friends, is very different. This is unfortunate because we often give our friends a wide berth and show them our most desirable personality traits, while we hold our loved ones to tight — sometimes unrealistic — expectations, not giving our best selves to our partners.
However, to quote Dr. Richio in his book, How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, “Love is not so much a feeling, as a way of being present.”
This one statement eliminates a lot of complications about what true love is and what traits it takes to maintain healthy, romantic relationships and help them flouish.
In order to sustain true love in healthy relationships, here are 5 essential personality traits men and women need.
1. Attentive
You can meet someone and desire a connection. So you start by giving that person a lot of attention. This could be meetings, phone calls, text messages, emails, one-on-one time, etc.
Then, as commitment or marriage follows, there is a sense of taking that person for granted, and the attention begins to wane. You "have them", and the demands of life take over.
The problem is that you don’t “have them”, because attention is one of the elements needed to keep a relationships healthy and alive. With a friend, you might have certain rituals that hold true. You talk to him/her every day. You have lunch or dinner weekly; you use them as a sounding board.
In that regard, consider what kind and how much attention or ritual you give to your loved ones. Do you have dinner together daily, or a weekly date night?
2. Accepting
Also, do you accept these people — warts and all? Often with your friends, you do just that. It is just as important to provide that same level of acceptance to your spouses, children, and ultimately everyone.
We are all hanging out in the earth to learn important lessons and often these lessons don’t come easy. This is true for everyone. There aren’t any perfect people running around, just folks doing their best. Be careful that you don’t have rules for people and they are expected to live by them. Folks need to make up their own rules.
3. Appreciative
Make a point to show appreciation — a note, a phone call, remember important occasions, say thank you. Tell the people in your life why you are happy they are there. Be demonstrative.
4. Affectionate
Affection is something you do. It may be a pat on the back or a smile. It could be a hug or making out. Affection is easily demonstrated.
Taking an interest in something that is important to the other person is a form of affection. We all need it and want it. So, give it.
5. Allowing
Allowing is about accepting the person and his/her values and allowing them to be exactly who they are. If they like to play basketball one night a week, you get out of the way and let that happen. You may not like basketball, but they do. So be it.
The truth is that if something is important to your spouse or friend, they are going to do it and if they don’t, they will become resentful. The question is, does this activity make them better or worse? Allowing boys’ poker night, or girls’ night out, or going to a restaurant that is not your first choice is okay.
There is no loss in allowing, only benefits.
Jean Walters is a transformational coach, best-selling author, and speaker. You can reach her at her website.
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