The Right Way To Fix Your Relationship And Recommit To Your Partner After A Heartbreaking Affair
There’s hope after the pain of infidelity.
JD Mason via unsplash After the pain and turmoil that come from having an affair while in a relationship start to abate a bit, many couples make the difficult decision to recommit to their relationship or marriage, despite the betrayal of infidelity.
And contrary to what some people think, they often succeed in figuring out how to fix a relationship so that it's stronger and more intimate than it was before the cheating.
It takes hard work, patience, and a deep commitment to the process, but affair recovery is always a possibility.
That being said, there are good and bad ways to recommit to your relationship. There are do's and don’ts of re-establishing or even improving the intimacy and trust that existed in your marriage before infidelity tore it apart.
Although these are overlapping processes, rebuilding the marriage requires that you and your partner recover, both individually and as a couple.
There are two sides to every infidelity and you need to recommit successfully from both perspectives. If you and your partner take care of "your side of the street," you’ll grow back together, naturally.
When you're the one having an affair
People make mistakes, sometimes very hurtful ones, even in seemingly healthy relationships. This eternal truth doesn’t make your choice to cheat acceptable, but it does suggest that you’re worthy of forgiveness.
If you’re the one who betrayed your partner, you can’t wallow in guilt and remorse if you expect to recommit successfully. Yes, you have to own up to your actions completely, but beating yourself up continuously will only hurt both of you.
The most important part of recovering from infidelity is the level of commitment you put into practice on a daily basis.
Yes, you’ll falter sometimes and make mistakes, but over an extended period of time, the commitment has to be consistent and unwavering. If it lags for too long, your spouse will pick up on it immediately and recovery will become less likely.
Another crucial part of the process is patience. Your marriage didn’t collapse overnight, so don’t expect to rebuild it in a few weeks. There will be rewarding moments and intimacy along the way, but authentic recovery often takes a long time to come about.
Let the process play out naturally, without trying to force this or that specific outcome if you want to maximize your chances of success.
Every marital recovery is different, but there are 3 important guidelines to follow, as the cheating spouse, to rebuild your marriage, successfully.
1. Listen, listen, then listen some more
It is absolutely crucial that you pay close attention to your partner when they are telling you how your infidelity affected them.
Not only does listening confer dignity upon your partner’s internal experience, but it will also help you develop and maintain the empathy you need to improve the marriage.
2. Be completely honest and open about the details
You must be willing to tell your spouse everything they want to know about what happened.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should go into all the sordid details about your encounters, but you must be completely honest about the depth of the affair.
3. Seek professional help
Although your marriage most likely had problems long before your affair happened, in the end, it was your decision to be unfaithful.
Infidelity is almost always the result of things like emotional insecurity, low self-esteem, and expectations that no partner could fulfill. You need and deserve psychological help with these difficulties to recommit to your marriage the right way.
When you're betrayed by a cheating spouse
Although you were the aggrieved partner, you still have to play an active role in the rebuilding process if you want it to be successful.
Here are 5 guidelines for how to fix a relationship the right way as the betrayed partner.
1. Don’t accuse, blame, or argue with your cheating spouse
Calmly express your feelings and needs without resorting to name-calling or angry outbursts.
Any negative emotions you experience are valid and completely understandable, but the best way to resolve them is to avoid any hurtful behavior.
2. Listen closely when your partner expresses their own feelings and needs
Even though they were the one that had the affair, they’ll still need your help to recover and become the partner you want them to be.
3. Seek professional counseling
Your therapy should consist of both individual and couples sessions. You can also join a support group or participate in an online forum.
There are also many effective programs you can purchase out there.
4. Continue to participate in life outside of your marriage.
This will keep you emotionally balanced and remove some of the intrinsic pressure of the recovery process.
5. Practice a lot of patience
This is required on both ends for a successful reconciliation. Focus on the progress you’ve made and on being present in your marriage, not on hurrying up your desired outcomes.
With the above relationship advice at hand, affair recovery can be achieved.
You and your spouse have a difficult road ahead, but with patience, you can rekindle your former flame and build a brand new marriage.
C. Mellie Smith is an author and founder of Infidelity Healing, where she shares tools and resources to help you replace the pain of infidelity with relief and hope. Get the help and resources you need to reconcile with your partner and rebuild your marriage starting now.