Why Do I Have Sex Dreams About My Ex?


By Lauri Loewenberg, Dream Expert and Author for


According to a recent study at the University of Montreal, sex dreams make up about 8 percent of all dreams for both men and women.  Society’s openness regarding sex, coupled with our growing interest in understanding dream content has taught us that, surprisingly, sex dreams are rarely about sex at all - no matter how saucy they might be.

It’s important to remember that sex, to your dreaming mind, is not about a physical union you want, but rather a psychological union you need!

The Ex is a very popular character in our naughty dreams. Even though it may be light years since you were with this person, he or she STILL continues to appear in your dreams, bringing those old feelings back to the surface that leave you wondering if you still may be holding a flame.


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Here is a question from a reader.


I keep having recurring dreams about getting back together with my ex-boyfriend.  Sometimes we’re just hanging out and other times it’s downright filthy sex! However, I am married and haven't spoken to him in over 10 years.  - Jennifer, 37

Lauri:  Was he your first love?  Strangely enough, we continue to dream of our first loves, even if we've moved on into a happy marriage.  Don't worry, it's not that you want him back, it's that you want what he represents back: excitement, bubbles, passion!  You are likely to get these dreams when your marriage gets a little too routine and humdrum, as all marriages do from time to time.  Your dream is using your ex to remind you of the passion that is still alive inside of you.  These dreams are actually good for you and are alerting you to the fact that the passion department doesn’t want to become a thing of the past. Might be a good idea to get thyself down to Victoria's Secret® and buy something red and lacy.


Jennifer replies:  It makes so much sense now.  He was my first love.  While I was with him, there was lots of excitement and passion.  We would do things so spontaneously.  And  I wasn't as self-conscious as I am now.   I can see now that I don't get involved in new things like I did before.  You're right; I do need to spice things up, in my life and in my marriage.  You've made me see things in a different light.

Jennifer’s marriage, like millions of marriages before hers and millions of marriages yet to be, has become complacent. Complacency is easy because it takes no effort.  Like Jennifer, as we settle into the land of Hum Drum while awake, our dreams become restless while we sleep.  The dreaming mind doesn’t forget the excitement and thrill from long ago, so it will bring those feelings back to you in the form of the person you first experienced those feelings with.  These dreams aren’t about the person, they are about the feelings.


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The most common meaning behind the “sex with the ex” dream is a need to rekindle the excitement in your intimate life. Once you take action on your dream’s gentle nudging, and continue to change it up and keep it interesting, the ex won’t need to pay you another visit… that is unless the ex still has a role in your life, such as an ex spouse.  If you deal with the ex spouse on a regular basis then that person is not likely to be a symbol, rather your inner mind is alerting you to an issue with that specific person and, as always, you will need to look at what happened the day before the dream in order to pinpoint the issue.

The exes we tend to have naughty dreams about  the most are our first love, an ex we still have ties to because of children or other circumstances, or the ex that most recently broke our heart. Dreaming of the ex that broke your heart can be a sign that you are stuck emotionally and have not allowed yourself to move on. These dreams are a clear indication that you have not healed in which case the dreams will continue until you let go and leave the past in the past.  It is impossible to move forward while you are still holding on to what is behind you.

Do have racy dreams about former flames?

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This post is excerpted with permission from Lauri Loewenberg's latest book Dream On It, Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.