Love, Self

Many Women Want The Nice Guy And The Bad Boy Rolled Into One

Many Women Want the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy Rolled into One

I have been getting a lot of feedback from a lot of different straight women along the way telling me they want the nice guy AND "bad boy," or alpha male, all in the same man. Clients have told me this, past and present lovers, their friends, my female friends, and their friends too. They're tired and angry with having to choose between one of two men. Door number one: he'll be a best friend, do the dishes every night, give you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, and key to it all, have the capability for open-hearted, sweet interactions, affection and hopefully father your children.

Door number two: he's hot, super-confident in every way with you socially and sexually, he makes his desire for you very clear in a deep voice and then backs it up when the time comes, and the key to this door is passionate, competant, devouring-you sex of one sort or another. Then there's bad/dangerous men's allure for some women and that's a whole other post.

Those are the strengths to these two broad guy types. The weaknesses need hardly be repeated, they're thoroughly lamented already. All together now: Nice guy isn't confident enough in bed or out. Nice guys don't take the initiative enough while dating or in bed. Nice guy brings sweet, but no fire, let alone burning fire, to the bedroom, and sometimes, I inevitably CHEAT on him because I want that fire (not every woman does). Still in unison: hot guy is a pain in the ass for long term relationships, hot guy is largely aloof or has weak skills with empathy, caring, compassion, and non-passionate connection. Hot guy CHEATS on me or worse!! Etc, etc. on both types.

I say the problem gets solved by straight men, and gay men for that matter because they can have similar dynamics as well, taking on the challenge to gradually develop the strengths of both sides while eliminating the negatives. That said, a key part of this process will be women understanding that he may choose to leave out certain, but not all, macho, alpha male behaviors in exchange for specific woman-cooperative or socially supportive ways of interaction. This way, a woman can't stereotype and say, "Oh, he's sweet to me on a date so I know he's not going to be hot." That's possible, and it's also possible that he's observing basic civilities that won't be necessary once you're in the bedroom or that moment arrives and he turns on some heat.

I want to help more male sex life coaching clients than I already am, straight or gay, develop both sides, because men in my view, over the course of a lifetime's events, tend to move toward one direction or the other consciously or otherwise. I've worked hard to create both sides in myself. Through first studying Betty Dodson's perspective on female sexual pleasure-valued feminism for 10 years and then at the end of that, merging that with "alpha male" sexual modality and erotics. I say hard work because the two paths are diametrically opposed to each other and each takes time to cultivate on its own and be authentic. I see most clients taking me up on this coming from the path of nice guy mostly I think because a nice guy is inherently cooperative with everyone he meets, man or woman. He also has been spending so many years building his education and brilliant career that he's fallen prey to the simple fact of not having time spent developing a firey side.

Alpha males, of any sexual preference actually, tend to be let's say, headstrong; particularly around seeking out advice from another man. Even more so on sex and woman-centered issues. I'm excited to help alphas with more, let's borrow the Taoist terminology and say, "watery" sides to being in relationships with women and having sex with women. I'll bet there's a few badass alphas out there right now on the edge of their hot girlfriend breaking up with them from the suffocation of frustration right now. Then comes the, "Baby, I'll change!" talks. Or he leaves forthwith. Come talk to a man who can do both if you want both.

Our culture with its dual personality disorder of sex sells and sex as taboo makes that exponentially worse. You have to learn this the same way as you built your career and got the 4.0 GPA at biz/med/law school, or getting your skills on the court or the playing field: you have to want it and go get it. I offer it as a sex life coach; the fruits of what I've been creating for the last fifteen years as a brother who went out on a different path and struck a different gold. There are tons of incredible women out there for us wanting the same things or waiting to discover fire or water themselves. Many of the best of them them wanting specifically what we will create together and in that, and in however you may grow with her, you will encourage a more solid relationship if that's a life's want for you at this time. You can also learn now for spending time with lovers before/if you choose a life partner.

Yeah, you could get the quality woman with your money and stability, but you're walking down the same old, proven-unreliable relationship and sex path with the same pitfalls we've already been over in this post. Instead of betting against the house that you'll win out over so many others, play a different game. We humans strike out and try something new, groundbreak, and trailblaze when tradition and convention fails us, we outgrow it, or just because it's adventure. Why do you climb the mountain? Because it's there!! When you get to the top, there's a lot of frustration up there, including your own, you may do your part to obliterate.


For those new to my blog: Many of us, women and men of all sexual orientations, need only read of an example of what really is possible in sexual pleasure. It so often lights a desire to "Want to do that. Feel that." A want to learn how to have better sex through and sophisticated sex education maybe for the first time in their lives. Many of my clients say to me, "I'm tired of the fear and frustration. I want this!" I also intend to present to my readers the reality and creation of incredible sexual pleasure and connection from my perspective. I'm referred by a sex therapist sometimes, but I don't do sex therapy. I'm a sex life coach, ten year protege of Betty Dodson, Ph.D.. I teach and I do.