Love, Heartbreak

Do You REALLY Want Him Back, Or Are You Just LYING To Yourself?

Photo: Javi Indy/Shutterstock
Do You REALLY Want Him Back, Or Are You Just LYING To Yourself?

Much has been written on how to get someone back, but often people don’t ask themselves this obvious, but crucial, question: 

“Do I really want them back?”

During a breakup, the pain can be so heart wrenching you’ll do anything to make it stop. It’s easy to start thinking, “Maybe if I get back together with them, I’ll be happy like I used to be.” Severe heartbreak can lead to some extremely irrational thoughts — like believing that your ex will somehow change his mind and return based on a new fitness routine.

This is why it’s crucial that you consider whether you actually want them before you set out to get them back in your life. Don’t waste your time making the wrong decision to reconnect only to remember why you broke up in the first place.

Ask yourself these four questions when deciding whether you should try and get your ex back:

1. Can you see yourself in a relationship with them again?

Obviously it’s harder to remember what a relationship with your ex was like the longer you've been apart, but consider whether they would be a good fit for your life in the present day.

Do you have similar lifestyles? Similar goals? People we leave often grow and change a lot from the last time we saw them. Consider whether they are (or ever were) actually compatible with you.

2. Were you the slightest bit relieved when the relationship ended in the first place?

Occasionally, a deep sense of relief arrives right after the decision to break up. This is usually clouded by heartbreak, but have you started thinking you're better off without them? Was part of your relationship so difficult that you just weren’t inspired to continue? Are you actually happy to go back to days of endless freedom and not checking in with anyone?

Feelings of relief are a strong sign that your ex, however great they were, was wrong for you.

3. Why did you break up?

Relationships that fell victim to poor timing or circumstances are easier to repair than relationships that ended because you couldn’t stand each other. For example, a relationship that ended because you both had a hard time maintaining your bond over long distance is easier to repair than a relationship where you fought like caged badgers every weekend.

If you aren’t sure, ask a supportive friend to recant the gory details. It’s easy to strap on the rose-colored glasses and make a terrible pairing into something great with the benefit of misery and hindsight.

4. Did you recently find out that they are with someone else?

Often finding out that one’s ex has embarked upon a new relationship can send people into a shame spiral. It's as if your ex suddenly realized the relationship was really 100 percent over, as opposed to the 95 percent you considered it to be.

Finding out that good ole’ ex is happily coupled up with someone new can send people into a frenzy of “get them back at all costs!” behavior. If you have recently discovered that your ex is dating someone new and this has awoken the desire to get them back, examine whether you actually want them or if maybe … you're selfishly feeling like you don’t want anyone else to have them.

If you're going through heartbreak, let me help you with a free copy of Elizabeth Stone's book, Why Men Lose Interest and the daily email series here. It'll help you iron out the kinks and have that great relationship you've always wanted.

This article was originally published at Digital Romance Inc. Reprinted with permission from the author.