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Place body image hang-ups on the backburner for hotter sex.
By Dr Elayne Daniels — Written on Mar 07, 2020
After sex, do you often find yourself thinking "that was the best sex ever!"?
If so, awesome!
If not, negative sex-talk might be to blame.
By now, you know that you can be your own worst critic.
The good news is that you can practice thinking differently about what it means to be a sexy woman in the bedroom. You can learn how to be more confident and have a more positive self-image.
You don't need to continue being hostage to negative thinking about your body.
Here are 5 ways to keep your inner critic out of your sex life so you'll have more confidence in the bedroom.
1. Be aware of how you speak to yourself
We tend to believe that "If I just lose weight/had bigger breasts/had no cellulite, then I would be sexy and then we would have great sex."
Being aware of how you speak to yourself about yourself is the first step to changing untrue, unhelpful thoughts.
Negative body thoughts are just thoughts. Just because you are thinking the thought, doesn’t mean it is true. Thoughts come and they go, like clouds (thoughts) drifting in the sky (mind).
You choose which thoughts to hold onto and to believe. Practice makes progress.
2. Allow your thoughts to be at least neutral or positive
Being confident is a turn on. Allow yourself to be complimented. Really go out on a limb and compliment yourself! Stop the body bashing.
Your body deserves better than to be spoken about negatively, especially by the owner of that body!
Focus your inner laser beam on body parts you feel neutral toward or that you love. To do otherwise is neither helpful nor necessary.
Your body is a vehicle for pleasure. It is where your soul is housed. Without a body, you would not be able to experience any of your senses.
Allow you and your partner to enjoy the intimacy and pleasure your bodies are designed for. Carpe diem!
3. Think of your body more as an instrument and less as an ornament
To do so, focus on what scientists call "interoceptive awareness”. By doing this, you attune to your inner sensations and the way your body feels on the inside.
Notice the pleasant sensations associated with desire, interest, and excitement.
Do you feel any tingling? Or the rush of adrenaline? How about warm beads of sweat on your skin?
Experiencing your body as an instrument of pleasure rather than as an ornament or object means you are allowing your body to access sensory portals.
Smells, touch/tactile sensations, taste, sight — your senses offer an exquisite array of opportunities for body delight.
Your body is not an ornament on a Christmas tree to be looked at or a figurine to gaze at on a shelf. Allow yourself to bathe in the sensations of vitality that are your birthright!
4. Focus less on reaching the finish line
Sex is not about performance. Men more often need this reminder. They are more likely than women to be focused on "crossing the finish line”. That pressure and emphasis take away from the joys of the journey and make orgasm less likely to happen.
If you feel like you are 'performing' subpar by not reaching orgasm or to faking it, a negative self-talk loop accelerates.
Along the way, negative body talk joins what some psychologists jokingly refer to as "the party in your head". The negative self-talk loop is a party pooper. Do not extend an invitation!
5. Lighten up
Have fun. Be playful. Allow yourself to enjoy. Consider using sex toys. Be open to try new sex positions or role-playing. Incorporate your senses.
Notice all the evidence of your partner's enjoyment of your body. Give yourself permission to experience your connection to your body and to your partner's body.
By decreasing negative body image bully thoughts, we create space for more welcomed, fulfilling, meaningful experiences.
These include feelings, thoughts, sensations, and best of all, non-judgmental awareness in the moment of our glorious body and of our capacity for bliss.
Now that you know the secret of confident sexy women, you, too, can have the kind of sex life that not only makes you feel good but also boosts your self-esteem.
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Dr. Elayne Daniels is a licensed psychologist in Boston who specializes in helping people who want to improve their relationship with food, sex, and/or their body. Find out more about her on her website.