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There are three simple steps that all couples who survive an affair move through to feel better.
By Tammy Nelson — Written on Apr 21, 2017
Can you recover after your partner had an affair?
There are three simple steps that couples who survive an affair move through in order to feel better, stronger, sexier, and more passionate than ever. Some couples even say they are happier after infidelity. They have more intimacy, they feel connected, and they know what they want for their future.
Are you one of those couples?
If you are not ready to trade your partner in and start over, there are three steps to infidelity recovery. Listen, be open, and create a new vision.
Sounds easy? It is definitely not. Worth it? For many couples, absolutely. Here are the three steps you need to take to recover after an affair:
Step 1: Let your partner tell you the story about the affair.
Ask them about the infidelity and help them tell you the truth in a way that is safe for both of you.
Ask: "Who did you cheat with? When did it happen? And how were you able to balance two partners at the same time?"
If they can answer these questions, they are most likely telling the truth. If they are defensive, angry, and blame you for their affair, then they're probably not ready to be honest with you.
Give them some space. The truth can trickle out in small drips and drabs over time. You can make it easier on them to be honest with you if you don’t freak out every time they admit something new about the infidelity. Ask questions, but try not to fall apart every time they are willing to talk about what happened.
Step 2: See the affair as a can opener.
Did your partner cheat to get out of the relationship? Or was it a way to open things up between the two of you? Think deeply about this question.
Are both of you ready to move on? It could be that the affair was a way to break up and your partner was doing you a favor. Now, you have an excuse to end the relationship.
Or maybe the affair was a way to wake up the relationship. Maybe things were getting boring. Maybe you were both feeling stuck. Infidelity can be, if you let it, a chance to renew and recommit to your relationship.
Talk about how this might be a new beginning for both of you.
Step 3: Create a new monogamy agreement.
Your new monogamy agreement is the conscious creation of a new vision for your future. You can’t go back to the way things used to be. If you try, you might end up right here again. Instead, a new monogamy is a fresh look at what you both want for your new post-infidelity relationship.
Take this opportunity to talk about all of your fears and expectations. What were the implicit expectations partially to blame for the affair? You can rewrite your future together and include explicit agreements about sex, intimacy, honesty, disclosure, privacy, and anything that the two of decide is important in your new relationship going forward.
This should be a whole new beginning for both of you.
Monogamy doesn’t just happen because you make a one-time promise or a vow. Working every day on monogamy means some days will be easier than others. It’s like yoga or meditation. It takes dedication. And sometimes you fall down.
Eventually, with practice, you will get better at it.
For more information on creating your new monogamy agreement, go to my website.
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a world renowned sex and relationship expert and the author of The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want.
