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Why good women end up with the wrong men.
By Sharon Cohen, PhD — Last updated on Dec 10, 2023
You're a catch. You know it. You hear it from friends, family, and strangers. Yet time after time you end up in toxic relationships with guys who just don't measure up.
What's up with that?
Stop beating yourself up and know your brilliance.
The very reasons you're so successful in all other areas of life are leading you to have a difficult figuring out how to get a good guy to like you and fall in love with you.
Why women who make the best wives always seem to attract the very worst men:
1. Your blinders go up when you're in love
When you’re a lover of people, others feel good in your presence. We all sense when someone likes people and when someone doesn't.
When you are in a new relationship and all your "sexy" bells go off, the blinders come up. The chemical tidal wave that's coursing through your body and washing over your brain is telling you a story of love, romance, and forever. Friends and family may try to give you some warning, but you believe that they don't see him as you do.
2. You make love decisions like you would make work decisions
At work, you're a decisive woman of action. You know what you want and you go after it. Being a boss like this works for you in the boardroom, so you use the same decision-making in the bedroom.
This man turns you on, and not every man does, so in your eyes (and body) that's something to hold on to.
3. Your compassion causes you to look past red flags
Being compassionate is great in the professional world. When you show concern for others, it fosters an environment of productivity and goodwill.
However, in a new relationship, when you're compassionate and you see some red flags, you may dismiss them. You want to make it work. You see the good and the potential in this man who you've invested your mind, body, and spirit. Surely, those twinkles of goodness in him can't be mere mirages.
4. You're too competitive
You didn't get this far in life and your career by giving up easily. You are not a quitter!
You will see this relationship through to the bitter end, and bitter it may get. When things start turning bad, because this guy really may not be a good guy at all, you don’t like to admit that you're wrong.
5. You're easily bored
Being easily bored means you're always looking for the next opportunity to challenge yourself in life. It works well for your career. However, most men don't hold your attention, which is why it's hard for you to find a man who turns you on.
So, who will turn you on? He could be an outdoorsman/adrenaline junkie or he may be a bad boy with an edge for excitement. Men who flaunt the fact that they don't pay attention to societal rules seem exciting, but they could be sociopaths who will mooch off of you until your coffers are dry, you're emotionally spent, and your self-esteem is in the gutter.
Here are 4 tips on how to get a good guy to like you so you can find true love in the healthy relationship of your dreams:
1. Start with self-love
You have to love yourself first and know that your well-being comes first over his.
Then, get connected to your body. So many women who are successful at work are not connected to their feelings. Check in with your body multiple times during the day and figure out what is it telling you. Is something feeling tight, twisted, or knotted up? Can you connect a feeling word to that?
For instance, a twisting feeling in your stomach may be telling you that you're feeling stressed. Or a rush of heat in your chest is alerting you that you're feeling anxious.
Once you start connecting to these feelings consistently, you'll be able to stay aware of your feelings, good and bad, when dating. You'll know when you feel comfortable or uncomfortable.
When you aren't in touch with your feelings, you'll often mistake intensity for intimacy.
When you're blown over by mind-altering intimacy, you stop seeing the actual person in front of you. Projections of the image of perfection you desire are all you can see.
Be centered in yourself enough to know that it serves you best to get to know the person first without all those chemicals fogging your body and brain.
How do you feel when you are with someone? Do you feel safe, secure, content, peaceful, loved, adored, cherished, protected? Or do you feel on-edge, wondering, anxious, uncertain, guarded, wanting to please him? Which do you want to feel?
Consider all of these things when you're on a date and as you continue dating someone new.
2. Sit back
If you are always leaning in, you don't gain any information. When you sit back and observe how this man operates, you will be able to see if he a slouch who will never call you or the kind of guy who calls too much.
When you interrupt this process, you don't allow the space to become aware of his pattern, and every man has a pattern. Knowing a man's pattern allows you mental peace and freedom to let go of the mental obsessions that come from not knowing what a man is going to do.
Understanding this point will give you an amazing amount of liberation.
3. Accept the man as he is today
In other words, don't fall in love with a man's potential. Don't think you are going to change him or see growth in him. He is who he is and he's hoping he'll never change and that you'll never change. And he's praying you'll never try to change him.
Accept him or reject him but don't tolerate him, which is half-accepting him and half-rejecting him. Tolerating him only makes you sick with cortisol, a stress hormone running through your body. It will put belly fat on you, weaken your immune system, and has been connected to earlier deaths.
4. Communicate your feelings
See how he responds. If he doesn't respond in a way that is cherishing, he may not have a high emotional intelligence quotient (EQ). It's not up to you to teach him. You can try to explain to him that you need him to hear your feelings. If he responds by telling you about his wants and needs, how hard it is for him, and how you're too sensitive, he's just told you he has little to no empathy.
Send him to a professional and walk away. It's a long road ahead.
You are so worthy of a man who adores and cherishes every little thing about you — all the little quirks and characteristics that make you uniquely you.
If a man makes you feel bad about yourself, he's not the right man. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away.
You are worthy of so much more.
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Dr. Sharon Cohen is a relationship and love Consultant who helps her clients find love and overcome the obstacles holding them back from happiness in their lives.