Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist. She is also author of the "Power of Two" book, a workbook and web-based relationship program that teaches the skills for sustaining strong and loving partnerships.
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Friendship is a two-way street.
By Susan Heitler — Written on Feb 08, 2019
What are good friends, and what are toxic friends? Hurt feelings are one indicator, and there's multiple more. I posed this question to my psychologist friend Sharon Livingston, Ph.D., author of Get Lost, Girlfriend!: How I Found Myself When My Best Friend Dumped Me. The rest of this blog post is her insightful reply on the signs of a toxic friend.
A best friend can bring great joy, comfort, solace, and fun to your life. People are pack animals. They love to roam together. They need friends to thrive, friends that share the good times and offer support in the bad.
Great friendships extend life. A 10-year-long Australian study showed that participants with solid friend groups were 22 percent more likely to live longer.
Unfortunately, a bad friend can have the opposite effect, yielding hurt feelings plus increased vulnerability to all the stress-related body signs — higher blood pressure, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), lowered immunity, higher blood sugar, depression, anxiety... the list goes on.
But how do you know if you’re in a friendship that’s affecting your health and killing your spirit? Here's exactly how. (In the following examples, "her" applies equally to "him" if your best friend is a guy.)
1. You find yourself in a competition with her other "best friends."
What? Her other best friend gives her more? Does fun things you can’t? Has things in common with her that you would never want? And why do you know this about her other friend, anyway?
2. There’s an imbalance in talk time — all for the friend, none for you.
You call her and she tells you about how lousy her day has been or how great her day was. Then you start telling her about what’s happening with you and... she apologizes but has to get off the phone because, well, she has many reasons why, but the reality is that she leaves without having listened to you or your concerns or joys.
3. Your best friend blurts out criticism with a self-righteous attitude.
Honesty is important in any relationship. But what happened to kindness? What’s this idea about brutal truth being something to aspire to? It’s still brutal — and damaging. She tells you, "You know, you are just too needy. It’s like you’re a stalker always coming after me."
What? No wonder you feel awful. Be sure you realize that her mean words probably are projections — that is, more accurate as descriptions of how she is than as descriptions of you.
4. Who calls whom?
Are you calling her or texting her far more often than she reaches out to you? Do you feel like you’re more interested in talking and getting together than she is?
Relationships get toxic when the other person isn’t as invested in you as you are in them. The opposite — feeling stalked by a friend's incessant demands on your time — can be disturbing as well.
5. Your best friend tells you that you need to change.
But what about her? She sees no need to even recognize her own shortcomings, never mind to change them. It’s about what’s wrong with you.
If only you changed, it would be fine. She’s not interested in seeing what she brings to the party, just in pointing fingers of criticism and blame on you.
6. You’re walking on eggshells.
At first, it was so fun to be with her. You laughed, you commiserated, and it was such an enjoyable connection. Then something changed. She flipped. It’s so easy to get into trouble with her now.
Better be careful. But then you start being overly careful, watching every word to avoid saying the wrong thing.
7. You’re riding an emotional roller coaster with your friend at the controls.
It started out as an amazing connection and you felt so bonded, but now you can no longer predict what to expect. You always worry that she’s going to react negatively or get upset with you.
When it’s good, it’s great. But then, for some unknown reason, you land on her enemies list and... what’s going to happen next?
You feel uncomfortable, worried, scared, and off-balance. You think about her from a one-down position. And then something wonderful happens — suddenly she's full of appreciation for you again and you’re flying high. What were you worried about? Everything is fine.
Then the next day, you can’t get in touch with her. The inconsistency and lack of predictability leave you doubting everything. It’s crushing. Your self-esteem soars and then plummets.
8. The stress starts to settle in your body.
You’re somaticizing — actually feeling ill as the stress impacts your body. You get back aches, neck pain — maybe she's really a pain in the neck?
Instead of feeling bolstered by your connection, you start feeling weakened. Your body continues reacting. You feel anxious, get headaches and stomach upset, you have a hard time getting out of bed.
When you’re in a great friendship, it boosts your immune system. But toxic friends are sickening. While relationships often have ups and downs, if you're on a wild ride, you may want to think about hopping off before you turn green. Friends are supposed to add to your life, not take away from it.
This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author.