5 Shrewd Ways To Treat A Marriage Like A Business, According To Psychology
Talking about your marriage like it's a business isn't unromantic. It's just smart.
kate_sept2004 | Canva If you and your partner tend to think the business end of a relationship is not a romantic topic, you will probably choose to not discuss it — that is, until you eventually can't avoid it, and fights ensue. You may not think of your marriage as a business deal, but a huge part of it is just that.
Just as in a business, a marriage takes in income, pays expenses, and aims to have a little profit left over. Just like a small business, your relationship has one or more sources of income, it has expenses, and, like a business, thrives when you're able to create savings, investments, and equity (things a business would call assets). Ideally, you'll have money left over in the bank at the end of the month.
Viewing your family dispassionately as a business doesn’t sound romantic, but if you can step back from your feelings long enough to view your relationship from this perspective, your financial situation will make more sense, money problems will be easier to solve, and you’ll be able to discuss financial decisions with less difficulty.
Here are 5 shrewd ways to treat a marriage like a business:
1. Don't react; respond
You and your partner wouldn't argue with your boss, your colleagues, or your child's teacher the way you sometimes argue with each other. Even if your boss makes you angry, you most likely use self-control at the office and blow off steam in private with your co-workers or a friend. Then, when you have a chance to think about the situation, you develop a better way of handling it; ideally, you approach your boss with a thoughtful response.
You can do the same thing with your spouse when you have a money problem. Instead of saying the first thing that occurs to you, such as a criticism or accusation, stop and think of a response more likely to lead to a discussion than an argument. Take the time you need to respond rationally. Being good at handling conflict in a relationship means less stress and more satisfaction, according to research from the University of Georgia.
2. Use positive manipulation
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We often think of manipulation as a bad thing — dishonest, even. However, acting in a way that makes it more likely to get a good response is not always deceitful or insidious. When you present an idea or solution, think about the aspects of it that would resonate with your spouse, then lead with those.
For example: "Honey, you know that new car you’ve been wanting? I think I have a way for us to get it. We could take out some equity on the house to renovate the kitchen. That way, we could also get your new car, and the interest would be so much cheaper than a loan."
This is truthful, and thoughtful, and clearly shows the partner how both of their wants can be taken care of. It's much more likely to get a positive response.
3. Have formal meetings
Just as you would in business, sit down for a real meeting about important financial issues. Don't expect to be able to discuss finances successfully while you're on the run when it's late at night or while watching TV.
Instead, make a date to discuss finances and take the time to sit down together with all the proper information and discuss your needs, wants, and means. The Gottman Institute tells us how important it is to have meetings in your relationship.
Healthy businesses keep a close eye on the bottom line. In marriage, this means being careful about your money. But it also means not using money as a weapon against each other, or being irresponsible about it. A successful, happy marriage requires that both partners act like grownups.
It's not surprising if you have disagreements about how much to save, when and what to spend, or who makes financial decisions. Such differences are normal between people. If you take them seriously and sit down to solve them together with mutual goodwill, your different points of view will become assets, not problems.
4. Take finances seriously
Healthy businesses keep a close eye on the bottom line. In marriage, this means being careful about your money, but it also means not using money as a weapon against each other, or being irresponsible about it. A successful, happy marriage requires that both partners act like grownups.
It's not surprising if you have disagreements about how much to save, when and what to spend, or who makes financial decisions, after all, statistics tell us the thing the couples argue the most about is money. Such differences are normal. If you take them seriously and sit down to solve them together with mutual goodwill, your different points of view will become assets, not problems.
5. Check in regularly
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As you do at the office, have a brief check-in with one another regarding logistics as frequently as possible. In the morning or the night before, compare your daily schedules. Even if the things on your schedule don't really involve your spouse, mention them. That way, each of you will know if the other is facing something important or challenging in the day ahead.
When you have an idea of what's involved in each others' daily lives while you're apart, you will be much better equipped to communicate in a helpful fashion with each other — especially when sudden changes or problems arise. Multiple studies have shown how important good communication is to relationships.
For example, you can mention you have to pick up some clients at the airport today and don't know if traffic will cause you to be late. That way, your partner won't feel worried or annoyed if you do arrive off-schedule. When you follow these guidelines for handling money together, you’ll understand each other better, and you’ll both understand your goals and feel more motivated to follow the plans you make.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience in counseling individuals and couples. She is the author of 14 books in 17 languages.