How 'The Law Of Attraction' Can Save Your Sex Life

Plus: seven steps to make the new year sizzle!

man dipping woman into a kiss by water

Do you know "the secret?" Oprah claims she does ... and so do millions of others around the world who are fascinated with the "law of attraction." It's a new year, and there's no better time than right now to take a long look at how this knowledge can enliven your life, love and sexuality.

In her bestselling book The Secret, author Ronda Byrne draws upon expert anecdotes and borrowed bits of quantum theory to suggest that the law of attraction (LoA, for short) enables us to have everything we want in life if we understand its rules. I'm not sure the law is quite as all-encompassing as Byrne implies, but I do trust that you can bring greater zest and promise to your love and sex life by taking its lessons to heart. I'll explain precisely how in a moment … but first we need to understand the LoA.


Years ago, I had a powerful dream, long before the LoA was part of popular culture. Although I could only recall a snippet when I awoke, its key message permanently altered my awareness. In my dream, a wise woman handed me a gift. "Here is the key to your life," she said. "Remember this: You will get what you appreciate."

The key to life?! Now, that's pretty darn intense for a dream. I was so struck by it that upon awakening I immediately wrote down the phrase. For a long time afterward I puzzled over what those words, "you get what you appreciate," could actually mean, and how to make use of them.


It was years before I could fully comprehend the true power of "appreciate" or had seen enough evidence of how the "law of appreciation" works to embrace it. I finally grasped that "appreciation" had nothing to do with casual admiration or even gratitude. Rather, to appreciate is to attend completely to an idea or a concept, and to sustain focus through one's thoughts, actions and senses. 

Let me give you an example: Imagine that a friend constantly talks about how much she wishes she could meet the right partner, yet always finds fault with whomever she does meet. One might think that "relationship" is her focus — but it isn't. In fact, loneliness is her focus.

She "appreciates" loneliness and lack of love with every conversation, every rumination, every treatise on her failure to meet Mr. Right. Is it really just a coincidence that she keeps drawing more of the same? Or how about the friend who complains endlessly about trying to lose weight and just gets fatter. Could it be that she puts all her energy into attending to the presence of fat?

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This is not just a word game. As I pondered my dream, I saw repeatedly how people who focused on their troubles flaws, and miseries only collected more of the same kind of pain.

Now that you understand my perspective on the LoA, let me outline the core elements detailed in The Secret:

  • Like attracts like. We draw to us the experiences and people that we think about;
  • Every thought is a real thing or a force;
  • We call the LoA into action through our thoughts; and
  • Our emotions magnetize us and draw more of the same to us.

According to Byrne, as you think a thought you attract more like thoughts to you. As you think one sustained thought, the law of attraction brings more "like" (i.e.similar) thoughts ... and events follow. Consequently, your life is a reflection of your past thoughts — both great and not-so-great ones. If you want to change your life, you must change your thoughts. Your future will be the reflection of thoughts you think right now.

Combining Byrne's perspective with my own, we draw to us whatever we "appreciate" via our sustained attention and focus. Therefore, to shift from one state of being to another we must give thought and attention to the way of living we desire. Most importantly, in order to fully appreciate or conjure that vision into being, we must function as if it is already real. We have to feel it, believe in it and live it.


Now back to sex. What do you avoid doing or asking for in bed because you fear that seeming foolish or feeling embarrassed? If you want to create more positive results in your sexual relationships, you need only do what you already do quite well, except in reverse. That is, rather than appreciating failures and fears, appreciate and sustain thoughts of your desires. How? Your exciting sex life must first become real in your imagination. You must envision it in detail, enjoy it with full abandon and appreciate your own sensuality and sexuality with your every thought, sense and emotion.

Here are the seven steps you can take to raise raise your sexual power to new heights:

1. Think about your desired sex life in strictly positive terms. And avoid focusing on what you do not want. Say, "I want an orgasm every day." Not, "I want my partner to stop being so selfish in bed."  The LoA runs on positives because the universe can't compute "no" or "don't."

2. See yourself as already having the things you want. And being sexual in the ways you want to be: fearlessly, adventurously, or spiritually.


3. Think like Michelangelo. Michelangelo wrote that his finished sculptures already lived in the stone from which he sculpted them; all he did was carve away the excess marble that obscured their presence. Just like the sculpture inside the stone, you are already who you want to be. Focus there and the extraneous will peel away, freeing you.

4. Pay attention to your thoughts before falling asleep. Thoughts before sleeping are especially powerful, so when you lay in bed, focus on what you want to manifest in your life.

5. Visualize, using color and motion. It's easier to hold on to a visual when you include movement in the imagery, like a film, than when you see it as a snapshot. For example, see yourself jumping up and down and exclaiming joyously over the thrilling sexual experiences you're having. Or picture being touched exactly as you want to be touched; zoom in on hands caressing your skin; hear words of desire murmured in your ear.


6. Focus on the emotion of being excited and aroused. Come back to it many times per day. Be there in the experience. If emotion is indeed the engine of the LoA, then strong emotion translates into a strong call out into the universe to fill your order.

7. Actively change the aspects of your life that contradict your desired goals. If you want to be seen as a siren, but you always wear mommy underwear, you're telling the universe that you appreciate being seen as mommy, not as a sex symbol. Trash the cotton briefs and buy fresh lingerie that speaks to the part of you that has been hiding. Treat yourself like a siren and the rest of the world will follow.