You Found The One - But Will Your Loving Relationship Last?


So you have fallen in love and you believe you have found "the one."  What you may not realize is that there are some unconscious forces at play. After many years of counseling hundreds of couples, I have come to realize that men and women often marry for different reasons.  A man may find "the woman" who appears to be the one woman who can fulfill all of his desires.  She comes across to him as feminine, strong, gentle, loving, devoted, sexy, beautiful, sensual, and a woman who will take care of his home, his life, his sexual and his emotional needs.  A woman, on the other hand, often chooses a man who seems to have "the potential" to provide for her.  He seems to be masculine, strong, powerful, sexy, with the potential to establish himself in his career and become more sensitive, more loving, more communicative over time.

Both beliefs often lead to disppointment, frustration and lots of emotional pain and turmoil.  He may not understand what happened to that adoring, sexy woman who hung on his every word and couldn't stop touching him.  She may not know why he won't listen to her, share more of his time and personal thoughts with her, and provide for her the same types of romantic moments that they used to have together.

When we meet someone and "fall in love" we often are caught off guard and we do not understand what has happened.  We desire to be with this person and we are drawn to connect intimately.  What we may not realize is that there are some unconscious forces at play.  Very often we are attracted to another person because he or she somehow matches our own unmet childhood emotional needs as well as some of our current conscious desires. 

At first, we may focus mostly on what is good and exciting and gratifying about being with this other person.  However, over time, the underlying dynamics become more prominent.  Just those qualities which we love when we first connect can be the very same qualities that disturb us later on.

What is the solution to this inevitable change in perceptions as we spend more time in an ongoing, committed relationship?  The simple solution is to take the time at the very beginning to understand what you are really getting involved in.  Make of study of relationships.  Find out how most relationships begin and evolve.  Discover what the pitfalls and problematics areas might be.  Create a support system (counseling, situatons and emotional upsets that may occur.  The process of creating and sustaining a wonderful relationship is not really a mystery. Like anything else that is important in life, it does require some amount of skill, study and practice

Just as we need to study to learn the alphabet, to learn how to add and subtract and to learn the information and skills required for our jobs and professions, we also need to learn relationship skills. Many of us learn faulty skills in our families or origin. But it is never too late to learn. Why not study and learn from those who have mastered the skills? Experienced marriage and family therapists and other qualified counselors can take a relationship on the verge of tragedy and help the partners recreate the tender love they once felt.

Have you learned how to navigate the sometimes treacherous path toward intimacy in a relationship? If not, if relationships have been a struggle for you, NOW is the time to learn what it really takes to create a loving and fulfilling relationship.