6 Signs Your Relationship Is Slowly Crumbling
Some breakups happen so slowly you barely notice it happening.
Alex Green | Pexels You know that feeling: There's a pit in your stomach or a sense that things with your mate aren’t quite right.
Relationships have up and down cycles, just like all other aspects of our lives. But how do you know whether you are going through a cycle or if your relationship is heading toward a breakup? After all, sometimes a relationship deteriorates so slowly, you barely notice.
There is no magic formula for identifying relationship problems or easy fix for repairing them. However, your questions and intuition about the relationship can shed light on the problems and point the way to a solution.
Six signs your relationship is crumbling & it's time to take action
1. Increased arguing and complaining.
You and your partner are arguing more. You complain about the same issues repeatedly, but you don’t resolve them. There might be pauses in the action or a brief truce, but then you’re right at it again.
One or both of you may feel angry, hurt, and frustrated that you can’t have a meaningful or peaceful conversation.
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2. Conversations are awkward or superficial.
“We don’t talk anymore” is a common observation about many long-term partnerships. This might stem from feeling like we already know everything there is to know about our partner — but that’s rarely true. What’s happening at work, with our friends and families, or even parenting our children are experienced and perceived differently by each person in the relationship.
Guessing what the other person thinks and feels is dicey — we are wrong more often than we realize. Often, what you mean when saying this is that conversations are highly filtered or edited (to avoid sparking conflict), and you know very little about what’s going on in each other’s lives.
3. You’re withdrawing from each other, and your lives are growing apart.
One or both of you frequently choose to spend longer hours at work. You often go out separately to socialize without your partner or mate. The workplace can be competitive and careers demanding, requiring extra time and effort.
Everyone needs some “me time,” and most relationships benefit from healthy solo pursuits. However, choosing to spend too much time apart can drive a wedge between the two of you. Excluding your partner leads to a lack of shared experiences and divides you.
There are two old sayings, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “out of sight, out of mind.” They are equally true, but much depends on the degree. Spending some time apart can make you “fonder,” but too much time apart can lead to “out of sight and out of mind.”
4. You ignore or stonewall each other.
When you’re angry, you pull the silent treatment, ignore the other person, or refuse to engage even when an attempt is made to have a civil, constructive dialogue. The lack of common courtesy can be a key indicator that one or both of you have lost the desire to be civil or make a positive effort toward improving your relationship.
Though it may seem like a small thing, it can do tremendous damage by eroding the respect you have for each other.
5. You’re fantasizing about an affair or having one.
Fantasizing is a way of escaping the reality of the situation you’re currently in and is unlikely to resolve the problems in your relationship if you are serious about fixing it. Ditto for actually engaging in an affair. Both share the same drawbacks: they pull you further away from the current relationship and they can appear “perfect” in a way no real-life, real-time, all-in relationship can match.
The secrecy, dishonesty, and divided loyalties can wind up hurting all the parties involved beyond repair.
The first step for fixing a relationship — if it can be — is communication. (And yes, I realize that isn’t quite as simple as it sounds!)
6. You don’t know how to talk to your partner about your concerns.
“We fight all the time, and they don’t listen to me.” Or, “If I try to talk, we only end up angrier!”
You may find that your current communication styles aren’t compatible. The solution is to approach the conversation differently. Positive results aren’t guaranteed, but using the same approach and communication style that brought you to this point will almost certainly fail.
A few ways help your relationship un-crumble:
Start a conversation when both of you are relatively calm and relaxed.
Stay open-minded and start with the present (not dredging up the past).
Use “I” statements focusing on yourself and what you’re currently feeling and experiencing.
Ask for or describe what you’d like to experience with your partner, especially if you can draw from past positive experiences for examples.
Listen. Once you find the courage to speak, you will also need patience to listen. Keep your statements based on the present and your questions open-ended — don’t answer for them or guess at what they will say.
It’s not easy to step forward and try to heal the breach in your relationship. You may fear facing and naming your feelings, what your partner may say, or how they will react.
One more (less common) way to find answers
If you need additional support, you can look to astrology, numerology or even a tarot reading can help you positively focus on yourself and give guidance for healing yourself and your relationship. Sometimes you need to think outside of the box!
Tarot readers can often see patterns in the cards that answer your questions and doubts about your relationship.
For example, in the tarot, the suit of swords symbolizes (among other things) conflict, strife, and disruption, while a suit of cups symbolizes emotions. A tarot reading can help you determine where your relationship challenges are.
For example, you draw the five cups or the five swords during your reading. Those cards might show that you’re disappointed and rapidly tired of the ongoing struggles in your relationship. The eight cups can suggest that you or your partner have given up and walked away (or are seriously considering doing so). The seven swords can indicate your feelings of failure and defeat in your relationship. And the three swords indicate a broken heart and enlightenment that can grow from suffering.
Reading your tarot cards before addressing the challenges in your relationship with your partner can give you a better sense of how these conversations might go and what to expect for your relationship's future.
Dona Murphy is a life and relationship coach who supplements her sessions with tarot card readings to empower clients along their journey of spiritual development and personal growth. Visit her website, dstnytarot.com, or download her free weekly Tarotcast™ readings for more information.