Love, Self

Can Women Be Trusted To Uncage Their Sexuality?

Can Women Be Trusted to Uncage Their Sexuality?

Be honest: if a grown woman has wild sex with numerous lovers after divorce, do you think she'll have difficulty being faithful in her next serious relationship? In other words,  do you think women can't control their sexuality once it's uncaged?

I'm asking these questions on the heels of a recent letter I received from a man. He wrote: “My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. We have a fantastic sex life, I love her deeply, and she says she’s never loved anyone as much as she loves me –

“But sometimes when we go out we run into some of her old lovers. I know these are men she had threesomes with - kinky sex, wild, exploratory sex. I see the way they look at her - and every once in awhile I wonder, will her sexual history one day cause her to be faithful to me?”

I  personally don’t think one has anything to do with the other. In fact, I wrote him back and told him that he’s one super lucky man.

At any point in her life - even when she's a fully grown woman - if a woman explores her sexuality and others know about it, she’s at risk of being branded a whore. a slut, dirty, used goods, immoral, a bad get the picture.

But such labelling is not only unfair, it’s illogical. It somehow assumes that once a woman tastes the power of her sexuality she becomes a slave to her sexual desires – that she can’t be trusted; that her mind and heart no longer factor into the equation of her choices, both present or future.

I asked this man some questions: 

“Do you think she’s lying when she tells you she loves you?”

“No,” he wrote. “I fully believe her.”

“Does she conduct herself in inappropriate ways when you're out together?”

“Not at all.  She's very much a lady - a professional -  and smart as a whip.”

“Do you think she'd be a great lover if she hadn’t explored her sexuality before dating you?”

“Probably not,” he said.

“Then you are the lucky one,” I responded. “You are with a woman who lives, feels, and explores life deeply, her sexuality included. She possesses an open mind, a willingness to embrace, she’s not someone who hides or makes her life choices based solely on the rules of what ‘others’ think. To have captured the heart of such a woman is a huge blessing…for all her love and passion and energy now flow towards YOU.”

It was at this point in our correspondance that his true fears had room to emerge.  He said that when her old lovers looked at her, he felt they were looking down on her - like she was a piece of meat.  "I feel protective of her," he said.  "I part of me wants to punch them out."

That's when I realized that a) a part of him was still struggling with HIS programming to be with a 'Good Girl' and b) some of his fears can from worrying about not measuring up to her past lovers

Thus, I replied: “Maybe these guys look down on her, but maybe they don't.  Remember, they got a taste of what they WISH their girlfriends/wives would be like. They look at you and they KNOW what you get at home…and I bet some large part of them is really jealous, even if they say otherwise to their buddies.

“YOU are an incredible man, ” I continued. “You openly accept her and love her for all that she is and has been. And not many men are big enough, secure enough, passionate enough to love a Woman who has defied the rules.

“Sounds to me like you’re very well matched.”

Other Articles by Delaine Moore at I Am Divorced Not Dead:

My Next Partner Will Lie In Bed Beside Me & Discuss A Good Book

Women's Sexuality: A Starting point or End Point For Learning?

The Dating Gloom & Doom Bandwagon