Why The Smallest Acts Of Love Make The Biggest Impact On Whether Or Not Your Relationship Will Last

It's the little acts of love that matter most.

By Debra Smouse — Written on Dec 02, 2019

Photo: unsplash / Devon Divine

Why Small Acts Of Kindness Are Key To How To Have A Healthy Relationship

There are some pretty obvious signs of a healthy relationship, like being openly loving and kind to your spouse. But many people may not realize the subtler, smaller acts of kindness and love play an even bigger role in how to have a healthy relationship.

For example, in my marriage, every morning while my husband gets ready for work, I head to the kitchen and start the coffee and make his lunch. Once he’s out the door, I pour my first cup and begin my day in earnest.

This kind act is a core part of my morning routine — and no, I haven’t gotten stuck in a time warp from the 1950s.

This is a conscious choice I’ve made in support of nourishing one of my most important relationships.

Trust me when I tell you that I’ve heard all the arguments against this sacred part of my morning.

I’ve heard the snide comments that I’m “spoiling” him. I’ve seen the eye rolls when he mentions this part of our day to his sisters. I know that women have fought hard to get out of the kitchen and away from being seen as nothing more than “the little woman.”

The opinions of all those outside my relationship don’t matter because what I know for a fact is that little acts of nurturing matter in the big scheme of things when it comes to relationships.

Research by the UK Department of Education on quality and happiness in relationships backs up my intuition.

Results of their research of more than 4,000 couples found that everyday acts of love can lead to a happier, healthier and stronger relationship, even more than big gestures like romantic getaways and expensive jewelry.

They called these small acts “love nuggets.”

One thing that really bothers me about modern-day couplehood is the way people in committed relationships see each other as "you vs. me."

What I mean is that people seem to keep score, with good deeds rewarded and acts deemed as “bad” getting punished in some way. It’s almost as if people have been taught that if one person does something deemed "extra," there must be a quid pro quo of equal or grander acts.

And let me say that folks can be downright stingy with their love.

One of the most common areas this plays out in intimate relationships is in the bedroom, by using sex as a reward for good deeds or as a punishment for bad ones by withholding it.

This is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship.

Assuming you are in a monogamous relationship: Why would you choose to bring marriage politics to the one action reserved just for the two of you?

This pitting of people against each other does nothing to foster intimacy — nor does one partner meting out reward or punishment strengthen the bonds of affection.

When partners become adversaries, it destroys intimacy and trust.

My first marriage was one of reward and punishment. If I didn’t do exactly as my husband wished, he would "stonewall" me for days or even weeks and never speak to me.

After disentangling myself from that (along with lots of therapy and coaching), I made the decision that if I couldn’t be in a healthy relationship, I’d rather be alone.

And my view of healthy committed relationships involves a couple being on the same team.

There is no way that any two people living together can agree on everything all the time. There will always be moments of conflict or disagreement. But in my book, each person chooses to be all-in and commits to working through whatever arises.

This is why little things matter.

When your partner makes you so mad you could spit nails, it’s easier to deal with your anger when you recall the times he’s fixed you that cup of tea when you were feeling stressed, or jumped in and done the dishes when dinner is over.

Though keeping score is unhealthy, each one of us can’t help but have a "love bank." All parties to the relationship have to make more deposits than withdrawals, so to speak.

My prepping of lunch each morning is just one of the examples of my own love nuggets, but there are others, too. Whenever I share this — or any other example — of the little things I do to make his life easier and am met with an incredulous, “Why would you do that?” I counter with, "Why wouldn’t I?”

In what way is it good for me to not be loving and supportive? Why wouldn’t I choose to spoil the man I love? What value is there in me not sprinkling the life of a person who loves me unconditionally with lots of love nuggets?

Look, I know that everyone has a full plate of responsibilities. And yeah, making lunch for your partner takes time. And yep, I am well aware of the fact that we’re talking about adults here. JB is perfectly capable of making his own darned lunch, but my choice to do it is a way I can send him off each morning feeling loved.

And let’s be honest here: Doing little things to make his life easier makes me happier. There is joy in kindness. There is a sense of pride in acts of caring.