Family, Sex

Realities Of Dating When You Desire Having A Family

Dear Beautiful Women Readers,

I want to talk to you right now as only a man can, about the reality of your life.

This blog is directed to women in, or approaching their 40s. I want all of you 20s and 30s to be sure to read it, too. There's some important advice you need to hear, especially if you're single and craving a family.

Life moves very, very quickly, my dear beautiful reader. If you don't have your shit together in your 20s and 30s, you're going to be in the exact same position in a few years. 

For all of you over the age of 40, this is going to make you uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, it's going to make you angry, and you'll want to come punch me in the leg. But, I'm about to tell you something, you need to hear. 

If you're over the age of 40, and you desire children, there's a very slim chance it's going to happen. I want to explain why. Maybe you already have a kid, or two kids and you want another one. Maybe you're childless at the moment. If you're over 40, it's going to be difficult to find a man that's going to want to go on the accelerated path to having a kid.

You see, men in relationships want to feel like the king. They want to feel honored, they want to feel adored. They want to feel like you make them the center of the world. 

They know you've got your job, your career and your dog and your cat and your friends and everything else. But when you're with them, they want your undivided attention. Men are like gigantic children. They want their head rubbed, they want to feel loved. They want to be with a woman who loves and adores them. They also like to establish the hierarchy in a family. 

If you are 40 years old, and you met a man today, by the time you have a kid you would probably be 42. With a man you just met less than 2 years ago. That is heading down a disaster path. First of all, you don't know each other well enough. You haven't established the relationship patterns. A couple's natural power struggle takes around 4 years to sort out.

You would need to establish all of the relationship boundaries, the monuments and the safety nets in the span of 2 years?

You haven't been able to do that yet in your life. In your 20s and 30s, you didn't meet a man that you wanted to have a kid with. Maybe there was one man, but it didn't work out. Think about that. 

You want to bring another human being into this world, now, before your eggs are gone, but you want to bypass the relationship that needs to be had. 

You can't fast track a relationship. There's no way you can learn about one another in a year. There's no way you can build, travel, do things together you need to do as a couple before you bring in a child. When you add a child, it changes the dynamic. It changes you. It changes both of you. Relationships often become all about the child, which is the biggest mistake out there. 

Finding happiness within yourself should be first. I know a lot of you who are parents will say—"No, it's about putting the child first." Bulls**t.  If you don't put your own happiness first, you're not going to be as good a mother, or father as you should be.

That doesn't mean the child's not going to get all their needs met. It doesn't mean you're not going to be a super mom or super dad.

But, if you don't put yourself first, you're going to be run-down mom and run-down dad. If you don't do the things you need to do, if you don't take care of yourself the way you need to. If you don't go see your friends, or have romantic nights with your husband. If you don't do the things that make you feel good aside from parenting. You're just going to be run-down mom and run-down dad.

That's what it comes down to. Ladies.

How are you going to establish a relationship in two years or less when you're pushing for a baby? It's almost impossible. It doesn't work. 

Having a child with somebody you have not been able to establish a relationship with, will create a fractured bond. You will end up in a split. Then the child will be a product of a quick, sad divorce, which is something I'm going through now. And let me tell you, it's not fun.

Take a look at your life. Now.

For those of you in your 20s and 30s, plan accordingly. Don't think to yourself, this isn't going to happen to me.

I want you to date with a purpose in mind. Date knowing that you'd like to spend three or four years with somebody before you have kids. Plan out your dating life so you're not scrambling at 40 wanting another kid, or wanting your first kid.

If you're over the age of 40 and you already have a child or two, feel blessed. Feel great the universe has delivered you an amazing, beautiful child. Find a man that wants to share your life, that's willing to be a stepdad. Even though the kid has a father from birth—find a man who wants to willingly be part of your child's life.

Understand what it's like to be a single mother. Understand your child is only going to be the center of your attention a small percentage of the time. 

You need somebody who's going to understand that. Don't expect to find a man immediately, who wants to have a child with you. How are you going to build that relationship in the limited time you have?

How are you going to be able to meet a man ... Build a realtionship with him ... and get a chance to go on vacation?Do things with that man to build and grow the relationship? 

It's impossible to do. Unrealistic, in so many ways. Reality is important. It's a beautiful thing to be able to realistically, open your heart and look at how your life is.

There's something I say all the time: Live the life that's presented to you.

I've met lots of single moms that have one child. Many of them wanted more children but they understand that it just didn't happen. They hit a certain age, and realized it's never going to happen. Now, they'd like to find a man they can actually spend time with and enjoy. To carve their time up—mom time, man time and self-time. It's a healthy perspective. 

If you're constantly looking or thinking about what's missing in your life, you're not living the life that's been presented to you. You're not open to what could happen because you're constantly thinking about what's missing. 

If you're in your 20s and want to be care free, great. If you're in your 30s and want to settle down and have a family, go in that direction. If you're in your 40s or even 50s, enjoy your freedom to do what you want, and date who you want. Let go of your 'old' story.

Live the life that's in front of you.