Dear Women: Want A Better Love Life? Stop Being Passive

shy girl
Love, Self

There's a big myth about what it takes to be an attractive woman. I'm going to tear it apart.

There are certain preconceived notions about what it takes to be a successful dater as a woman and get a great boyfriend. This is a myth that is actually keeping you single and holding a lot of women back from having the great, loving relationships that they truly want.

What is this myth? 

The myth is that you, as a woman, should take the passive approach.

Yeah, we all know that men who take the initiative are attractive. Who doesn't like a man who sets the tone and takes the lead?

However, this leads a lot of women to believe that they have to be the opposite of a take charge kind of guy. That is to say, a passive woman.

However, being passive isn't attractive. Being passive isn't going to bring the men to you in droves, and get them to beg you to be their girlfriend. And being passive isn't going to give you great results in your love life.

When you think about this, you already know this. After all, if you just took the passive approach with your career or your health, you probably wouldn't like where you'd end up — probably in a dead end job and a lot plumper than you'd care to be. We all know that in order to succeed with your career or your health, you have to take action and engage with those areas of life.

So then why don't we do this with our relationships?

Probably because we're afraid of doing the man's job for him. After all, what could be more disappointing than meeting a guy for a date, getting in the car, and having him turn to you and say, "So, what did you want to do?" Ugh...! You definitely don't want to take the man's role and take the initiative with things. That's not fun for anyone.

If you don't want to take the initiative, and then I'm telling you not to be passive either, what are you supposed to do?

Well, here's where a common assumption is causing problems. We often think that the opposite of a take charge kind of guy is a passive woman, but that isn't the case.

Being feminine isn't about being passive. It's about being receptive.

You can absolutely be receptive while still taking action and engaging with the process of dating. In fact, men will love you more for it.

For example, one time, I was out having a coffee date with a woman I had recently met. This was our first date, and during the course of the conversation, we ended up talking about an arts center that had just opened up in our town. We both seemed interested in going.

Now she could have taken the passive route and just sat there waiting for me to ask her out again...maybe even to the arts center. Or she could have taken charge of the situation and just said, "Let's go to the arts center together next Saturday."

But she didn't do either one of those things. Instead, she was fully engaged and completely receptive. She got excited and said, "Hey promise me that you'll take me to the arts center sometime!"

Notice how she wasn't doing my job and setting the tone and taking the lead for me. And she wasn't just sitting there like a passive spectator. Instead, she was excited about going to the arts center and spending more time with me. And she left it entirely up to me to ask her out and take the man's role in this situation. (As a side note, we did end up going on that second date.)

From a guy's perspective, this type of approach is better than being passive because it lets us know that you are interested in us. This is huge, because, as guys, we like to know that you like us. Even if you just say "yes" when we ask you out without showing any other interest, there's always that voice in the back of our mind saying, "Does she really want to spend time with me or is she just looking for a free night out?"

Being interested and engaged in the process lets us know that you care and it inspires us to spend more time with you. But it also isn't robbing us of the ability to take the lead and play the masculine role. This is huge too, because, as guys we like to feel important to the women in our lives. We want to know that we have a positive impact on you. And if you take charge of our dating and relationship, then we're often left wondering why you're even with us to begin with.

However, when you take the receptive approach, you can simultaneously express interest and engage with us about the process of dating (which is a huge turn on), while still being completely feminine (this is also a huge turn on as well).