How To Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

Photo: getty
how to stop being hard on yourself

It's time to learn how to stop being hard on yourself

We’ve all been there. Things have gone wrong and we feel like we should have known better, made different choices, or prevented a disaster from happening.

We see perfection and just know we’re falling short somehow.

RELATED: 15 Signs You're Trying Too Hard To Be Liked

It's easy to be hard on yourself.

That sinking feeling we get when we "should" have handled some situation differently, that dread we get when we look in the mirror and wish we looked more like XYZ influencer or supermodel, or the feeling of regret that we hurt someone without meaning to.

Or even lying awake at night weighed down by despair about the state of the world.

We’ve all done it. Many women have done it over and over.

If you’ve been feeling self-hatred over things you can’t control, whether it’s your appearance, health, finances, family, society-related, or anything else, please put it on hold.

Like picking a lock there are always solutions to find. 

I’ve had so many clients with these kinds of "impossible" feeling situations. And the biggest thing I’ve learned — and you need to know — is that there are always solutions!

Sometimes, they’re instant. Sometimes, they’re more like gradually picking a lock. But there are always solutions.

First of all, know that it’s OK to hate yourself — to feel this way is really normal. There’s nothing wrong with you if you're angry, feeling hatred, or are upset. They’re normal human emotions.

So, let yourself off the hook for that one! You’re allowed to respond to difficult situations with strong emotions.

Now, knowing this, forgive yourself for feeling this way. This, in itself, is healing.

No one is perfect. And because this is actually a really common issue, there are surprisingly "normal" reasons for it.

When you hate yourself, it’s actually a huge signpost that there are other things going on behind the scenes. Hate is like your inner-self calling for you to recognize that you judge yourself a lot and against yourself.

You weren’t born hating yourself.

And the big key here is that those negative thoughts come from somewhere! You weren’t born hating yourself or anyone else — no one is.

We're taught to hate things or judge things as wrong. In order to not only feel better, but actually give yourself room to expand into a better situation, you need to learn how to deal with it.

The pattern of self-hate nearly always comes from childhood. Most likely, you have very high standards of yourself and feel like you’re not living up to them. That’s where self-hatred, shame, and guilt comes from.

I’ve been there too, like so many of us!

First of all, know that those standards are often hidden, so try to figure out in your mind exactly where it is you feel you’ve fallen short.

Explain it as if you were saying it to a friend. Often, this reveals judgments so unreasonable that we can breathe more easily when we see that it’s not something we’re to blame for.

The catch-22 of impossible standards.

Who gave you those impossibly high standards? They’re often about ideas of "perfection" — whether it’s to be a "perfect" mother, have a "perfect" body or face, to be rich, successful, or married by a certain age.

Most of these standards come from society and other people. They’re just ideas people have agreed on. And often, they’re pushed onto us by advertising and people who benefit financially from our striving to reach them.

Remember this — that someone somewhere told you or taught you that you weren’t enough. That’s where the self-hatred comes from.

Does that feel slightly different? Do you understand your own reaction now a little more? Maybe you can release it a little?

Why some people are able to face failure with a smile.

Not everyone hates themselves because they’re not living up to certain ideals. 
Some people even thrive in the face of it!

There’s a difference between people who shrug off the idea of perfection and thrive as who they uniquely are.

Happy, vivacious people of sizes 16 and over. Youthful-seeming, exuberant 80-year-olds.

Uneducated people who somehow manage to excel in business over those who spent years in university. People with severe physical disabilities who inspire and lead others with unstoppable positivity.

Again, we’re back to childhood. Our reactions and how we handle the seemingly impossible also stem mostly from childhood.

So, who may have shown or even told you that hating yourself was appropriate? Who around you hated themselves when you were growing up? 

When we’re children, we don’t just do what our parents tell us, we model their behavior.

It can be something as subtle as having a mother who constantly dieted and complained about her weight, or a father who insisted on As as though nothing else was good enough.

Love was withheld, unless certain conditions were met. The underlying signals to the child would have been: "I’m not good enough, because I don’t fit a certain image, and therefore, I hate myself."

RELATED: 4 Types Of Self-Criticism That Damage Your Confidence And Sabotage Your Happiness

It’s not your fault!

As a child, you would have picked up on these and modeled them as a behavior, an emotional response. 

So, in other words, if you hate yourself now, someone had somehow taught you to be mean to yourself and to berate yourself in your inner commentary when you were a child.

They may not have realized what they were doing — they probably learned it from someone, too! It wasn’t your fault then, and it isn’t your fault now.

Perfection is not natural. Look at nature — everything in it is "perfectly imperfect."

When you begin to reveal the underlying things that have caused you to hate yourself — for any reason — you begin to heal. And you allow more of your inner goodness, your inner essence, inner beauty, and gifts to shine forth. 

Know that you’re allowed to feel this way, and that it’s likely a very natural reaction to what you’ve been shown and taught. Forgive yourself for hating yourself.

Be your own friend.

Be your own ally a little more. If one of your friends, family members, or even your child felt like this, how would you talk to them?

Be your own friend. Try to see yourself from the outside.

This is something you can improve. You can be free from self-hatred, but it may take a little time. This is really a hidden childhood wound that’s expressing itself in your adult life.

Your uniqueness and your inner light.

This is something most of us struggle with, but awareness is the first step to healing. You're a unique and valuable person.

Of over 7.5 billion people on this planet, only you exist in this exact way. The likelihood of you existing has been calculated to be something like one in 14 trillion. That means, mathematically, you're a miracle!

Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself and release your judgments a little. Pay attention to where the judgments and hate may have come from. Work to see yourself the way you would a friend or a child. 

You’re here for a reason. Those who have had a difficult path most often have a very special life purpose.

I believe in you!

RELATED: Why Being 'Perfect' Won't Make You As Happy As You Think

Cassady Cayne is a bestselling author, soulpreneur, and lightworker. Her most recent book "The Universe Speaks, Are You Listening?" was released by Hay House/Penguin Random House worldwide in 2020. For more information, visit her website.