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Yes, you CAN find love, even if you didn't have a good relationship with your mother.
By Carolyn Mein — Written on Nov 17, 2016
The first experience we have with women is the experience we have with our mothers.
It not only shapes the relationships we have with other women, but also how we view ourselves.
PubMed published a study which examined how the quality of a daughter's mother-daughter relationship during childhood and adulthood is related to her psychological well-being, particularly focusing on depressive symptoms and self-esteem later in life.
As you can imagine, mother-daughter relationships matter a whole lot.
The following are 5 reasons why your relationships may be less than ideal, and what can be done to transform it into a positive experience.
1. Manage your expectations.
As infants, we need someone to take care of us. As we grow, we become independent and learn to take care of ourselves.
The problem lies in how much independence the child is able to assume, the timing, and the willingness to assume personal responsibilities. This works both ways; what is the child willing and able to do and what will the mother allow the child to do.
Things that get in the way of our independence are beliefs like, “She won’t love me if she doesn’t need me”, “You are not smart, strong or pretty enough to do it on your own”, “You are my whole life” just to name a few of the more common beliefs.
Once you understand how your expectations are getting in the way of your independence, you can start to free yourself of them. Remember, you are an adult now and you are capable of redefining your expectations for yourself based on how YOU want to live.
2. Take care of your own needs.
There is no way anyone can be everything to anyone, yet this is what we unconsciously expect.
When someone doesn’t live up to our expectations, our tendency is to get upset, feel disappointed, hurt, neglected, misunderstood or rejected. To live in a state of joy, take personal responsibility for your own needs, wants and desires.
Then, everything you receive from someone else is a gift, and you can live in a state of appreciation.
3. Know what your communication style is.
Not everyone speaks the same language. About half the population is emotionally based, while the other half is mental; and the division line is not based on whether you are male or female.
It is based on your dominant gland, organ or system, and is present at birth. This remains constant throughout your life.
If your dominant sense is emotional, you will be aware of your feelings and the feelings of others. When you are tired or stressed, you do not have the energy to rationally think about something and will react emotionally when asked to make a decision.
If your dominant sense is mental, you will look at things from the logical, practical, rational angle, often disregarding your feelings and the feelings of others.
Once you understand your own communication style, and recognize that others don’t necessarily speak the same language, you can make the choice to stop expecting people to say things the way you want them to, or even need them to. Then you’ll be able to really open yourself up to truly hear what others have to say, and they, in turn, can do the same for you.
4. Understand and reflect on what is really bothering you.
When you have unresolved emotional issues within yourself that you do not like, you will find them very difficult to handle or even tolerate in someone else.
It's like looking in a mirror.
The answer is to take personal responsibility and look at your own behavior and the unresolved emotional issues that are driving your behavior. Sometimes it is hard to see yourself and much easier to see the undesirable behavior when someone else does it, so examine yourself first before you react to someone else.
5. Keep an eye on your health and wellness.
Are you hungry, tired or irritable? Your blood sugar may be low and this can occur before you register the feeling of being hungry. Don’t just grab something sweet, this will only make the situation worse. While sugar will raise your blood sugar level quickly, it will also cause it to drop, putting more stress on your already stressed adrenals. The best answer is to eat something with a more sustained release like nuts and seeds combined with fruit, or popcorn with real butter and pink salt.
Fatigue may also play into this. Don’t bring up sensitive subjects when the other party is exhausted. You will not get the response you want and bringing up the subject again will be difficult. If it is a time-sensitive issue, schedule a mutually agreeable time to discuss it.
One of the biggest problems I have found in relationships is that we think everyone else should think the way we do.
It’s simply not possible! The reason for this is that we have different biology. While there are certain body types, like Stomach and Gonadal that tend to run in families, the majority of body types do not.
Rarely is everyone in the same family the same type, so there is a good chance you and your mother are different body types; meaning you do not think the same way.
Reading someone else’s psychological profile goes a long way in understanding who they are and what motivates them. This allows you to let go of unrealistic expectations and appreciate them for who they truly are.
One of the easiest ways to identify your strengths and challenges is by learning your body type profile. Dr. Mein’s takes 20 years of self- discovery and intensive work with her patients and identifies the personality characteristic that matter most when it comes to creating a healthy, happy life. Find out your body type to know once and for all what motivates you, your challenges and your strengths so you can improve your relationships (with Mom and more) today.
