A Guy’s Guide To Thrilling Your Woman

Tips I've learned from living with a pro.

A Guy’s Guide To Thrilling Your Woman

Okay, I admit it. That teaser was a bit misleading.

I don’t live with that kind of pro. I’m the life partner of an award-winning sex teacher and medical professional, Sheri Winston. Still, a pro’s a pro when it comes to expertise about sex. During the more than five years I’ve been with Sheri, I’ve learned an enormous amount from her and the women at her workshops about what makes a good—and not-so-good—lover.


Here are five keys I’ve come away with.

Women Are Different—Really Different! Men tend to think of women as just like guys, only with different (and more fun) plumbing. It’s not so, in fact it’s so not so! Female sexual energy typically proceeds from the outside in. With men, it’s the exact opposite. It takes about a nano-second for their sex center to go into the “on” position, while it’s totally normal for women to take 45 minutes or more to get fully and deeply aroused. That’s a whole lot of time, especially when you’re in Hot-to-Trot Mode. Think of it this way: 45 minutes is like a quarter of a football game, including the commercials.


It’s All About the Journey—Really! So how are you going to spend those 45 minutes, assuming the Cowboys aren’t on TV? Here’s my recommendation: enjoy the journey … for real. Don’t pretend to enjoy it because you think faking it will get you to the Promised Land that much quicker. Women know when you’re angling for something: it’ll make them close up. Make your agenda pleasure, not penetration. Focus on delighting her sensually, which is different from arousing her sexually. The more you slow down, the faster you’ll get there.

Hot Sex Is a State of Mind (and Heart). To make her wild with passion, pay attention to these three things:

  • Attunement. Attend to her cues, like how she’s breathing and moving. You’re dancing with her. Find that groove.
  • Entrancement. Arousal is an altered state—literally. You know how that time comes when you’re sure she’s not thinking about the cobwebs on the ceiling because she’s lost her capacity to put together full sentences and is begging you, using very short words, to enter her? That’s an altered—and cobweb-free—state she’s in. That’s where you want to take her—and you want to take yourself there, too. Your attunement will be that much acute when your brain is switched off and you’re deep in your own arousal trance. (Be sure to stay attuned, though—otherwise you can lose track of where she's at as you follow your own arousal.)
  • Connection. Most women need to feel safe in order to open sexually, and to feel safe they need to feel connected. Eye-gazing, laughing together, and consciously sharing heart-energy are all great forms of foreplay.

Ask for Feedback. I know: we’re supposed to know. We’re supposed to be able to read her mind and body, and know exactly what she does and doesn’t like. We’re not mind-readers, though, or body-readers either, and this goes doubly when we’re not paying attention as well as we might, ideally from our attuned arousal trance.

The simple truth is, she’s a different person from you, and to know what she wants you have to ask questions. “Would you like it harder? Would you like it softer? Would you show me how you like your nipple touched?” Questions like these aren’t proofs of ignorance, they’re evidence of mastery. Your woman will appreciate it —and admire you for asking.


Know Female Anatomy. Did you know that inch for inch, pound for pound, women have as much erectile tissue as men? If you didn’t, you’re like the vast majority of men. And women. And—believe it or not—gynecology professionals, too. 

To do their job well, plumbers need to know plumbing. Obvious, right? But most lovers don’t have an accurate model of female genital anatomy—and if you don’t know what you’re playing with, you won’t be able to pleasure it skillfully.

The irony here is that most women are also ignorant about their genital equipment, leaving them in no position to give their men guidance. It’s not quite the blind leading the lame—more like the orgasmically shortchanged leading the clueless. 

What to do about this? My personal recommendation (and yes, this is a shameless plug): buy the book that won a national award (2010 Book of the Year, American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists) precisely because it broke new ground about female genital anatomy, explaining what the various parts are, how they work together as an integrated, elegant system, and how to make them happier than their owners ever dreamed possible. 


The name of the book is Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure, and the author just happens to be my life partner, Sheri Winston. It even has a chapter called The Easy Girl’s Guide to Making It Easy for Guys, which expands on what I’ve written here.

For some men, applying these tips comes easily. For others, it’s more difficult. Whatever your aptitude, these are all learnable skills, if you put in the time and effort.

It’s a dark and lonely job, but someone’s got to do it.


Looking for sex and relationship breakthroughs? Then come to Your Super Sex Makeover, being held Sept. 16-18 in New York State's Hudson Valley, conveniently near New York City. Co-led by Sheri Winston and Jaiya, two nationally known and acclaimed sex teachers, it will take you deep into the exploration of your capacity for connection and intimacy. It's the BEST PLEASURE-TO-COST RATIO EVER! Click here for details ... 

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