5 WAYS TO PROTECT YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP

Transformational Fiction is my new teaching genre. You can be entertained and informed as they fly on the wall in the bedrooms of couples struggling with sexual and other issues. Please come to my site for free stories and chapters. 

When you find your mate, the world suddenly seems right. You are loved, your love is received. You believe that this is the absolutely best way to live.

Warning! Those stronger positive feelings are only part of the package. All of your negative feelings will be stronger, too. Arguments, fears, and struggles over how to spend time together are much stronger with a new love than with a new friend.

You can prepare ahead of time! If you start right out talking about your feelings, and you both understand that your emotions will not be “normal,” then you can take them into account. You can work together to create safety.

ONE: WATCH FOR DANGEROUS EMOTIONS!

First, make a list of those dangerous emotions. See my book, Create New Love for a whole chapter about them. Here are some:
• Anger
• Betrayal
• Hurt
• Jealousy
• Humiliation
• Possessiveness
• Fear...

TWO: TELL EACH OTHER ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS

Next, give each other examples of what sets off your emotions. You will be angry when he is late without calling, or she ignores you at parties, or he makes plans without consulting you. You will feel hurt when she makes plans without consulting you, he wants time alone, or she wants a “girl’s night out.” You find it humiliating when he doesn’t want sex, or she tells you to wear something else, or he suggests you skip desert. Once you know likely triggers, you both have more information about how to prevent irrational emotions, and be able to understand your partner’s.

THREE: KEEP TALKING

Remind each other that emotions become intensified when you are in love. Name those fears. Be caringly angry. Express jealousy. Remember that  if your emotions are stronger than with a friend, it means you love each other! When you understand this, your feelings will seem less disturbing.

FOUR: BE FAITHFUL

Reassure your new mate that she or he is the only one. Infidelity causes lack of trust. I have read theories about how women are, by nature, monogamous and men aren’t. Yet when talking with clients, men are as devastated as women when their partner flirts or strays.

Let’s start with the assumption that we are monogamously bonding creatures. Make the relationship feel safe to both of you. My book Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy: Revised will give you information about how to do this. You can make sure you don’t trigger this fear in your new love. If you avoid looking at attractive people, don’t flirt with others, and pull away from people you use to do this with, you will create a safe, secure love foundation.

FIVE: ACCEPT THE IRRATIONAL EMOTIONS, TOO

Be sure to tell each other when you have emotions toward the other, even if you know they aren’t rational. When he talks for an hour with an ex who you know he hates, and you feel jealous, tell him! You can say, “I know you aren’t interested in her, but I am jealous anyway. I’m sorry for feeling that way and seeming to not trust you, but this is the emotion I am having.”

When your partner admits to an emotion, listen with compassion. You know you haven’t done anything wrong, but yet she is seeming to accuse you. If you remember that all kinds of emotions appear when falling in love, you will know that she just loves you! So what if her feelings don’t make sense. You could thank her for feeling jealous, and wanting you all to herself.

REMEMBER, EVERYONE WILL OVERREACT WHEN IN LOVE

Establishing rules, and shaming each other for not following them, will harm the relationship. Understanding the other person’s emotional reactions will open doors to helping each other feel safe, protected and trusting. Isn’t that just perfect?

Transformational Fiction is my new teaching genre. You can be entertained and informed as they fly on the wall in the bedrooms of couples struggling with sexual and other issues. Please come to my site for free stories and chapters.