5 Critical Ways To Keep Your Relationship Sacred
Those strong positive feelings are only part of the package.
Jacob Lund | Canva When you find your mate, the world suddenly seems right. You are loved, your love is received. You believe this is the best way to live.
Warning! Those stronger positive feelings are only part of the package. All of your negative feelings will be stronger, too. Arguments, fears, and struggles over how to spend time together are much stronger with a new love than with a new friend.
You can prepare ahead of time! If you start right out talking about your feelings, and you both understand your emotions will not be “normal,” then you can take them into account. You can work together to create safety.
Here are 5 critical ways to keep your relationship sacred:
1. Watch for dangerous emotions
First, make a list of those dangerous emotions. Here are some: anger, betrayal, hurt, jealousy humiliation, possessiveness, and fear. There are many more you might identify.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
2. Tell each other about your emotions
Next, give each other examples of what sets off your emotions. You will be angry when they are late without calling, or they ignore you at parties or make plans without consulting you. You will feel hurt when they make plans without consulting you, they want time alone, or they want a “friend's night out.” You find it humiliating when they don’t want to be intimate, or they tell you to wear something else, or they suggest you skip dessert. Once you know likely triggers, you both have more information about how to prevent irrational emotions and be able to understand your partner.
3. Keep talking
Remind each other that emotions become intensified when you are in love. Name those fears. Be carefully angry. Express reasonable jealousy. If your emotions are stronger than with a friend, it means you love each other! When you understand this, your feelings will seem less disturbing.
4. Be trustworthy
Reassure your new mate they are the one. Many behaviors can cause a lack of trust. Make the relationship safe for both of you. You can make sure you don’t trigger fear in your new love by creating a safe, secure love foundation.
5. Accept the irrational emotions, too
Be sure to tell each other when you have emotions toward the other, even if you know they aren’t rational. When they talk for an hour with an ex who you know they hate, and you feel jealous, tell them! You can say, “I know you aren’t interested in them, but I am jealous anyway. I’m sorry for feeling that way and seeming to not trust you, but this is the emotion I am having.”
When your partner admits to an emotion, listen with compassion. You know you haven’t done anything wrong, yet they are seeming to accuse you. If you remember all kinds of emotions that appear when falling in love, you will know they love you! So what if their feelings don’t make sense? You could thank them for feeling jealous and wanting you all to themselves.
Everyone will overreact when in love, so establishing rules and shaming each other for not following them, will harm the relationship. Understanding the other person’s emotional reactions will open doors to helping each other feel safe, protected, and trusting. Isn’t that just perfect?
Anne Stirling Hastings, PhD is a California psychologist and author specializing in sexuality and relationships. She is the author of self-help books and is now writing Transformational Fiction novels in which she entertains and informs.