8 Powerful Steps To Transform Your Life Without Ditching Your Job, According To Research
Dropping everything isn't always the answer.
Volker Morr | Pexels You are probably familiar with the expression "comfortable in your skin." It means you know yourself and don't judge yourself by limiting beliefs. You know your life goals and are confident in your abilities, and when dealing with others. You're happy with who you are here and now, not once you quit your job or move to another country.
While simply being yourself should be the easiest thing in the world, it's challenging to be self-assured and genuine. To drastically improve your life and get comfortable in your skin, you need to overcome limiting beliefs to help you reach your life goals.
Here are 8 powerful steps to transform your life without ditching your job, according to research:
1. Stop worrying about what other people think
Instead of worrying about what other people think, consider how a particular choice will impact your life. Will you risk disapproval from others to approve of yourself?
This is not about flipping boundless selflessness into narcissistic selfishness. It is about examining the impact other people’s opinions have on you. Decide which ones work for you and which ones don’t.
2. Let go of the idea that you have to get it all perfect
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You are a human being, designed to learn by making mistakes. Celebrate your achievements instead. Not just the big ones, acknowledge the little ones, too.
You will create some natural dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter, in your brain that supports your confidence and competence, without the need for external validation. A study in Current Opinion in Neurobiology suggested "dopamine release is fast and generates small signaling hotspots."
3. Get better at naming what you're feeling
Notice how you get angry and frustrated when somebody interferes with your boundaries?
You often tolerate the discomfort of not speaking up until you become depressed or even ill. Alternatively, when the internal toxic vat has reached capacity and explodes, you dump your built-up rage on the unfortunate person who happens to be in front of you.
Instead, learn words to describe your emotions. A study conducted by psychologists at UCLA found that simply by doing so, you soothe the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain.
4. Stop avoiding conflict and start using it
What you may consider a disagreement is often an opportunity to strengthen a relationship and a chance to reassert your authenticity at the same time.
Hanging onto resentment and anger not only negatively influences how you deal with others, but it also negatively impacts your immune system. Instead of waiting too long, notice how you feel and address the issue.
If you are too upset, walk away and have the conversation when you have calmed down.
5. Drop the illusion that you can control everything
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You will minimize the need to address issues. And, yes, this includes judging other people. Believing you are in charge of how others should behave is a sure-fire way to not only feel resentful but also alienate people.
When it comes to controlling situations, if something doesn’t work, do something else. There are always choices. Research in Health Psychology explained how planned and intentional behavioral changes are more successful when you feel in control of yourself and your behavior.
6. Stop pointing fingers and start owning your part
It’s OK to have had a less-than-ideal childhood, but no one has the right to live a life full of blame as an adult. A 2000 study on the psychology of blame demonstrated a 'blame–validation mode of processing in which evidence concerning the event is reviewed in a manner that favors ascribing blame to the person or persons who evoke the most negative affect or whose behavior confirms unfavorable expectations."
Take charge of your well-being and your choices. Exchange the word responsibility (which means blame-ability) for response-ability, for the ability to respond with integrity for the self. In other words, be proactive and accountable.
7. Trade being liked for being respected
Aim for respect instead. Behave consistently and make choices that reflect your integrity.
When you respect yourself, you encourage trust, which is a good basis for authentic relationships. More importantly, you start trusting yourself.
8. Figure out what actually feels good to you
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When you know what works for you and live by the guidelines you have established for yourself, you will naturally be comfortable in your skin. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have to manage your "three skins" from the outside in before you can finally be happy and real.
Yes, you have three layers of "skin" when it comes to how you view yourself.
The first, innermost layer gives you shape and identity — it's who you are at your core; the second defines how you present yourself to the world — like your clothes, for example; and the third is the space in which you live and work — such as the home you chose and how you decorated it.
While it is important to manage all three layers of yourself, many people believe that being truly content in their first skin is the reward for mastering their second and third skins. However, being comfortable in your first skin is a natural state of mind: authenticity.
As small children, you are not only happy with who you are, but you have no awareness of the "skin" concept. As you learn and grow, your brain connects events to the emotions you feel. Research from the Health Psychology Review showed how "disrupting existing unwanted habits relates to restructuring the personal environment and enabling alternative responses to situational cues."
The more often you have the same experience, the more familiar the emotion becomes and the more likely you are to repeat the experience, no matter whether it’s positive or not. You also develop emotions about emotions like pride, guilt, and shame, taking on the judgments of those around you about what you do.
People around you make it clear what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.
To get approval, you adjust your first skin into "appropriate" behavior and acceptable expressions of emotion. You conform to your environment’s expectations, and fitting in becomes important. This acceptance includes your second and third skins, which, like the first, are often about norms and other people’s opinions.
For your second skin, you subject yourself to fashion, and to decorate your third skin, the size of your mortgage attests to the fact that your home is more about meeting the “standard” rather than your comfort.
While you try to keep up with the Joneses, you progressively develop more habits and routines. With very little room for spontaneity, you expand your comfort zone until it is so big that everything you do is predictable.
This works well for your brain, whose job it is to keep you safe. Brains love certainty because they only need to expend minimal energy on familiar patterns you no longer consciously recognize. You run on automatic.
The downside? Life that used to be vibrant becomes dull.
Thankfully, there seems to be an antidote: You go on holiday to an unfamiliar location to regain that sense of aliveness.
Stepping out of "normality" allows you to connect with the explorer part of you that has gotten lost amidst everyday routine.
Maybe you take an even more radical step when your second and third skins become so uncomfortable that you find yourself irritated, resentful, or depressed all the time.
You quit your job, sell your belongings, and search for yourself by traveling the world, rather than face the overwhelming prospect of lifelong conformity.
Shedding your second and third skins by revamping your wardrobe or changing environments is easy. Finding the happiness and satisfaction that lies within your first skin, however, requires that you muster the courage to get real and look at how you want to live, rather than how you think others think you should.
It takes resolve to step outside of expectations, real or perceived. That is why the journey that takes you inside rather than outside of yourself is called the road less traveled. But the journey is worth it because once you feel comfortable in your first skin, you'll style your second and third skins from the inside out to suit yourself rather than others.
This way, if you do decide to quit your job and travel the world, instead of running away from yourself, you'll now take yourself with you.
Angela Heise is a professional leadership coach and Emotional Productivity℗ trainer who helps men and women develop emotional intelligence, so they can feel happier and improve their lives every day.
