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Birthday parties have become a hot spot for social exclusion.
By Alexandra Blogier — Written on Mar 07, 2023
Birthday parties for children should be fun and friendly celebrations, complete with cake, ice cream, and balloons.
But for some families, birthday parties become sites of tension, especially when kids who aren’t invited show up anyway.
A concerned mom wrote into the r/parenting subreddit seeking advice for a socially-awkward situation surrounding her daughter’s birthday party.
The mom said that an ‘odd’ child shows up to her daughter’s birthday parties uninvited, and asks if she should confront her parents.
She explained that her daughter has a friend, Gracie, who has a younger sister, Brooke, who “sometimes tags along with the girls when they run around the neighborhood.”
“My daughter does not really hit it off with Brooke,” the mom stated. “She’s a little odd and blunt, honestly just a pest. My daughter just doesn’t care for her.”
She explained that last year, Gracie was invited to her daughter’s birthday party, specifying that her name only was written on the invite. Yet on the day of the party, the girls’ dad brought both Gracie and Brooke over. The dad asked, “Brooke was invited too, right?”
“I was honest,” said the mom, “and said, ‘she wasn’t, but she’s welcome to tag along since she’s here.’”
Brooke stayed for the party, which made her daughter “very upset, especially since Brooke has a birthday party with her friends a week before that [her] daughter wasn’t invited to.”
“Brooke ended up kind of taking over conversations, doing things she wasn’t supposed to, and just kind of saying awkward things.”
The mom said that after the party, her daughter realized that “she doesn’t want that to happen again.”
A year passed, and it became time for another birthday party.
The mom explained that her daughter mailed an invite addressed solely to Gracie. She also said that she “saw the mother around and mentioned Gracie was invited.”
On the day of the party, Gracie and Brooke’s mother dropped both girls off, “carrying the gift together.”
“Brooke immediately [took] her jacket off which confirmed she [was] also coming to this birthday party,” the mom stated. She mentioned that Gracie and Brooke’s mother “makes a joke that Brooke’s birthday party is tomorrow at the same location.”
“I passive-aggressively mentioned my daughter wasn’t invited but it didn’t seem to phase her. She leaves, and again, my daughter is pissed.”
She asked the Reddit parenting community how to get ahead of the situation in the future, saying “I would feel bad if Brooke had no friends, but she is having her own birthday parties that my daughter isn’t invited to.”
Other Reddit parents commented that they’d experienced similar situations, where uninvited guests have come to their kids' parties.
Birthday-party etiquette is a real concern for many parents, as one mom, Erin Ray, revealed on her TikTok. Ray asks fellow parents where they "draw a line" when it comes to allowing kids who weren't invited to attend a party.
As far as communicating birthday party rules go, one parent on Reddit advised that the mom take a direct approach.
“I’d just write ‘no siblings please’ on their invitation. And if they try to drop her off, say, ‘I’m sorry, but we’re not including siblings this year.’”
“Boundaries need to be enforced here,” said someone else. “No uninvited party guests.”
Another parent mentioned that whatever boundary the mom sets needs to be done before the day of the party. “As annoying as the kid may be, turning her away on the day could be so upsetting… it needs to be made clear to the parents beforehand.”
When a commenter asked how old the girls were, the mom posted a clarification in the comments section, explaining that “Brooke is only two years younger than [her] daughter, she in many ways acts about four years younger.”
She went on to explain her own frustrations with Brooke and her parents.
“She has had issues with bathroom emergencies at our house, which I had to have a frank conversation with her parents: she cannot be at our home without a parent if she’s going to have accidents. That means to me she’s not ready for playdates.”
“I think this extends beyond my daughter not liking her, but also parents dumping a child onto other parents that isn’t developmentally ready to be on her own,” the mom explained. “It turns my role from party host to babysitter real quick.”
The extra information that the mom provided made it clear that her daughter isn’t the only one who doesn’t want Brooke around. It appears that she, too, would rather Brooke not be in her home, although she has yet to express that sentiment to the parents. Someone addressed that issue, saying that “by being polite, you’re allowing it to happen. If you want it to stop, say so.”
“You’ve accepted the child previously,” another person pointed out. “They probably now think it’s fine. I don’t think they’re doing it to be particularly rude or anything, just made an assumption early on.”
Other commenters had constructive criticism about the mom’s communication style.
“You weren’t passive aggressive, you were just passive,” stated one person. “Their parents are relying on you to roll over and take both girls because that’s the precedent you’ve set.”
“The best way to help your daughter learn how to advocate for herself and her wants is to model healthy communication and boundaries,” noted someone else.
While no child deserves to feel excluded, at some point, kids can and should deliberately choose who they want to spend time with.
Modeling direct communication plays a role in raising kids to have healthy boundaries, even where birthday parties are concerned.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers celebrity gossip, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.