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It's not too complicated, but it can be really risky.
By Dan O'Reilly — Written on Oct 26, 2021
Whether you have commitment issues or just aren't looking for a serious relationship, a friends with benefits relationship is pretty ideal.
Figuring out how to find a friend with benefits isn't always so easy, though, especially because this casual dating option is not for everyone. Some people know they get attached easily while others don't want to mix friendship and casual sex.
Before getting into a friends with benefits relationship, Love and Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan suggests being "incredibly honest with yourself. Can you accept that this relationship will likely be fun with no strings attached?”
As far as a friends with benefits relationship goes, the pros are much more obvious than the cons. But, while sex with friends (new or old) can certainly be an enjoyable experience, there are risks.
When in a friends with benefits relationship, it’s very likely (depending on who exactly is involved) that one party will develop feelings for the other besides just sexual attraction. It’s possible that this could blossom into a romantic relationship from this point, but it’s also likely that feelings are going to get hurt and friendships changed.
Even if both parties remain friends, some awkwardness is almost guaranteed should that relationship end or if your advances are turned down. Despite remaining friendly, you both know that you like being friends, find each other physically attractive, and would have pursued a sexual relationship. Worst of all though, you both know that you couldn’t handle it and why.
This risk often leads people to look elsewhere for friends with benefits relationships rather than risk ruining relationships with close friends. The success rate for this sort of relationship with a stranger will vary a lot per person but it also carries much less risk. Messing around with a stranger and ruining that relationship is much less painful than ruining a years-long friendship.
Here are some tips for how to find a friend with benefits and while avoiding these risks.
1. Take it slow.
Make cautious, conservative, and plausibly deniable advances.
This one requires some finesse and time, so it’s the ideal strategy for pursuing a close friend.
This technique benefits from being able to read how someone is feeling/what they’re thinking. It’s not flashy or fast but this strategy allows you to cease your pursuit at any time if you find that they aren’t interested.
2. Be honest about your intentions.
Upfront, direct, sheer, and unrelenting honesty are imperative for a successful friends with benefits relationship.
Getting directly to the point can be an advantage when it comes to new people who you might be meeting explicitly to start a friends with benefits relationship. Not interested? No big deal, good to get that out of the way early, next.
It also works with someone who you already have a friendship with, as they will know from the start that you're not looking for a long-term relationship and can adjust their own expectations accordingly.
3. Use dating apps.
Assuming that you aren’t totally infatuated with a close friend and are trying to find someone new to try this out with, that begs the question: how exactly do you find peopole also looking for a friends with benefits relationship? You can’t just ask people on the street, you’ll surely get put on some sort of list doing that.
The best way to meet people that are looking for the same thing that you’re looking for is to meet them in a space where that’s the explicit purpose.
There are some apps that can serve as a nice middle ground, where your intentions can be specifically mentioned in a profile or bio, eliminating those who aren't interested in that sort of relationship from your options.
Here are some dating sites that are perfect for finding a friends with benefits relationship:
1. Tinder
Probably the biggest name in the online dating scene, Tinder is very adaptable and can easily be used to search for a friends with benefits situation.
2. FWBdatingonly
As you can tell by the title, Friends With Benefits is explicitly the purpose of this site so it’s certainly a good place to go if FWB is what you’re looking for.
3. OkCupid
One of the best options for free users, OkCupid sports a robust set of free features and specific filters so that you can specifically find that coveted FWB relationship.
4. Bumble
Bumble ultimately puts the power of accepting a date into the woman's hands, and the bio allows you to mention from the get-go exactly what you're looking for.
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Dan O'Reilly is a writer who covers news, politics and social justice. Follow him on Twitter.