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I was just trying to feel something, anything.
By Unwritten — Written on Jun 04, 2021
By Meganne MacFarlane
People find it surprising when they realize I’ve never done drugs before.
What I fail to mention to them is how I have been completely hooked on other things, just not the ones I imagine they’re referring to.
Of them, here are some of the emotional addictions I probably should have went to meetings for.
Lust
We had a short run in, but I’ll never forget how one quick hit of lust allowed me to get lost in the feeling of warmth that spread throughout my veins.
The high was almost instant. The onset was so quick that the effect seemed to disappear just as quickly as it was felt.
I constantly needed to be dosed before the withdrawal kicked in.
Lonely
I never seem to shake this one, it is my shadow that still follows me on cloudy days.
I’ll be in a room filled with people and begin pinching my skin in an attempt to hit the nerves Lonely did.
I can still see the hallucinations and hear the voices telling me I am not good enough. Or strong enough. Or just enough.
The state of solitude that I would lock myself into only prolonged the effect, so much so that I became lost in a trance I couldn’t seem to shake.
Grief
I’ve experienced grief more times than I care to admit. Every loss I’ve encountered in my life caused grief to come back tenfold.
Like a chain smoker, it took me years to not go find something to light up the darkness in my life every time grief came knocking on my door.
Anger
This one has the power to turn me into a completely different person that I sometimes question whether this is who I actually am.
My blood begins to boil the minute certain situations arise. The demons I try so hard to suppress break all the barriers keeping them in when I administer anger.
Belief
I’ve relapsed back to this time and time again.
All it takes is one apology and I’m triggered. I start to have palpitations and can feel my cells dying from the power Belief has over me.
I’ve gotten into the wrong crowd using this and was convinced so easily by others to forgive them for holding me down while I struggled to survive.
Determination
The euphoria I felt from determination was enough to get me through some of the more difficult days I have been faced with.
The effect could last for days and I honestly feel like I am walking on a cloud and running on rainbows every time I get a dose of determination. The endorphins that get released cancel out any pain that may come my way.
Passion
This stimulant can keep me up at night doing mindless activities and creating something beautiful in the process. I find myself awake at the darkest of hours depositing my energy into any creative outlet I can get my clumsy hands on.
I’ve used these in combination with one another and by themselves.
I was just trying to feel something, anything, regardless of how severe the withdrawal symptoms would be. One moment of pure blissfulness was enough motivation to need to satisfy the craving for each and every one of these addictions.
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Meganne MacFarlane is a creative writer whose work has been featured on Unwritten and All4Women. She writes on topics of gender, health, heartbreak, and relationships.
This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.