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It's lust, not love.
By Berry — Written on Sep 21, 2018
By Shawn Binder
When we first get into a relationship with someone it can easily feel like love, especially if you spend more time in the bedroom than you do outside of it. The first stages of a relationship are hot and heavy, and it feels as if it will always be this way.
But it’s important to remember that just because we’re sexually attracted to someone, it doesn’t mean we’re in love with them. That's why it's important to know the difference between love and lust.
If I had a dollar for every time I realized that I didn’t actually love someone and I just liked seeing them naked, I wouldn’t need to write about it! However, I understand that it can be difficult to not think with our private parts and our hearts.
That said, it’s important to clarify that falling in lust can be just as valid and meaningful an experience as falling in love. Much like, “You weren’t in love with him, you were in love with the idea of him,” writing off a romantic encounter as lust and not love is often a way of minimizing that experience.
Well-meaning people tell us (and, often, we tell ourselves) that our latest hot and heavy entanglement was lust in order to spare us heartbreak or disappointment when that sex-fueled romantic high comes to an end. This can be helpful to hear. But the underlying subtext here is that sexual relationships are somehow less real than romantic or emotional ones.
Society still upholds romantic love as the ultimate relationship ideal, but there is nothing inherently better or more valid about emotional experiences than purely physical ones. Falling in lust can be just as valid, rewarding, and meaningful an experience as falling in love. The key to accepting and celebrating both experiences, however, is being able to tell the difference between love and lust.
So love vs. lust... which is it? Here are five signs it's lust, not love. Although, if you’re okay with that, it’s a win-win situation.
1. You can't see a future together.
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When it’s lust instead of love, it can feel amazing in the moment, but part of you refuses to let your mind think to the future because you know this is not the person you’re supposed to be with.
He or she may give you butterflies all the time, but if you can’t imagine bringing them around Thanksgiving to meet your grandmother then it’s a clear sign you’re solely in it for the sex.
2. You don't know intimate details about the person.
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You’ve totally skipped past the most important part of dating someone: getting to know all the banal and silly details about each other. If you’re not sure what his middle name is or what her favorite color is, chances are you don’t know the person as well as you think.
One of the cornerstones of love is knowing all those inane details about each other that no one else should know. If you’re not sure you do, remind yourself that love is far more than just knowing exactly what someone likes in bed.
3. You stay in bed all day instead of go out.
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What is a date? You’re not even sure anymore because all your plans with your significant other involve lube and Seamless.
It is not necessarily a bad thing to have a lot of quality time in the bedroom, but if that is your sole form of hanging out, it is going to stay your sole form of hanging out.
4. Your text conversations are solely sext conversations
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Instead of getting a "good morning, baby" text, you find yourself receiving texts like "I was rock hard thinking about you this morning."
It isn’t like couples don’t sext, but if you only feel comfortable sending your significant other your dirty plans for them later, consider that it may not be love.
5. The only thing they make you feel is frisky.
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Finally, if the only emotional response they’re able to get out of you is being turned on, it is lust for sure. A relationship should span the spectrum of emotions, from overwhelming happiness to crushing disappointment.
If the only thing you feel around the person is frisky, then you are most definitely in lust and not love.
Shawn Binder is an essayist whose work has appeared in Hello Mr. Magazine, BOYS, and his own memoir 'Everything Is Embarrassing.' When he isn't eating hummus or drinking wine, he is writing his new book 'I Can Self Destruct.'
This article was originally published at theBERRY. Reprinted with permission from the author.