I'm Not Happy Or Sad — I'm Just Existing

Photo: Marcos Mesa Sam Wordley / Shutterstock
indifferent woman hugging a pillow

By Amanda Pozynakov

Have you ever just felt neutral? Not happy, not sad, just... neutral. Almost like you don’t even know what you’re feeling; you’re just existing.

You are done with everything and everyone around you, and you don’t even feel anything towards any situation. 

Maybe someone can relate to this.

I was someone who always had to get my way in the end. I always had to prove everyone wrong and always had to be right even if I wasn’t.

Now, I’m at that point where even when someone is wrong or has wronged me, I go about my life not caring whether the said person remains in my life.  

I’m just over everything.

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Maybe it’s just momentary. Perhaps, deep inside, I still have some passion for certain things.

But I find myself experiencing more days when I don’t care how they start and end — instead, I just want to lay in bed and finish watching the last season of "Shameless."

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Feeling neutral is scary to someone like me — someone who has always been emotional and always cared about every little thing.

I’m approaching my 25th year on this earth. Maybe the feeling of being neutral comes from a lack of fulfillment, or maybe it’s the fact that 99 percent of people I interact with disappoint me.

I’m just over it. I don’t care anymore. 

The world we live in right now is filled with important events that will go down in history. Everything that’s going on causes us constant stress.

So, perhaps feeling neutral is a defense mechanism.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we can’t emotionalize every single part of our lives or what’s going on around us. Some people may call this “acceptance.” And maybe that’s right.

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Accept that what’s done is done. We can’t change what’s happening, so why obsess over it? This also goes for our own lives and what’s going on around us. 

Accepting what has happened to you is okay. It’s okay not to feel a certain way, and it’s okay to be neutral.

Even though I feel like this now, being neutral should be temporary, not a permanent act. 

I do believe that I’ll find that fulfillment again. That happiness. That eternal love fills my soul so deeply.

I wish the same for everyone who feels like me. With the hope you find love, whether it’s in a person, a hobby, or yourself. 

I hope you find your happiness.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety, or mental health, there is help available. Visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

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Amanda Pozynakov is a writer and contributor to Unwritten. Visit her author profile for more of her work.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.